hey- new here; not confused but not 100% sure, either. Advice?

[sneetches_stars]

Hey Guys-

New here. Figured I'd make one of these suggested "introductions."

Anyway, came here because of a variety of reasons that were always "out there" but brought to light recently when my girlfriend asked me if I...was happy.

I hesitated and replied, yes.

Ouch, right? Yeah.

My situation seems a bit different than anything I've come across on here or other blogs, videos etc.

I'm 32. Born female- came out when I was 16, which was no issue what so ever. Always identified as gay. Never a lesbian, though I am solely attracted to women. I continuously read commentaries or posts, videos yada yada about the excitement of coming out as trans and the progression of others living their lives pre-t in terms of binders and packing and clothes, etc.

My situation I guess is a bit different. Maybe because I'm older? Or maybe I just haven't been brought to light regarding how I- individually, live my life and have for a long time.

For me coming out was no problem. I was young and things weren't the way that they are these days- but still, I had no personal problem with it and expressing it openly. I've always mentally and emotionally been more masculine however have for the past 10 years continuously flip flopping back and forth looks wise.

Anyone that has done this for any period of time, knows its really exhausting.

I'm more comfortable and feel more as my self dressing in guys clothes and my hair is and has been very short. I'm extremely passable without makeup- which is an issue for my girlfriend who identifies as a lesbian but thats another story.

I started packing on and off - not as a daily thing- in 2008 or 2009. Regardless, its been a long time. I don't really have to worry about binding so much, even though I do it- because of my body frame and everything which makes things easy as I also have always have an issue with just...having boobs in general.

I havent yet, seen anyone talk about being in their 30's and possibly...re-evaluating their gender and who they are.

I also have yet to see anyone who has been acting as if they were in the process of transitioning or acting as if they were- but have not accepted it.

It isn't even that I have not accepted it, for me this is just a new realization that I seem to have just become accustomed to due to it being so long of the above.....

Binding, packing, etc- has just become normal for me.

With all of that said, I flip flop. I'm extremely adaptable and I know, I accommodate people and society. Whether it's good for me or not. I'll put in extensions and have a completely separate part of my closet with "girl" clothes including heels and dresses and what have you. That I keep reverting back to. I'm very self aware of this and overall emotionally intelligent, as I also have in the past went to college for political science and gender/womens studies.

I know what I'm doing, and why I keep doing it. But, there is no...give.

Once I feel comfortable publicly which takes a while after I keep doing this to myself- I tend to run back to throwing in extensions and putting on a show and I'm just trying to kind of figure out WHY I keep doing this.

Back to my girlfriend asking if I was happy- she knows all of my behaviors and how things work on my end during romantic or sexual instances, you get it-

but, this is the first time she is seeing me stick with what makes me happy and makes me feel the most complete.

and its an issue for her, because- well, she's a lesbian. And, I 100% get that and why its a potential problem.


Regardless of her, I'm here for myself. I just....I guess, wanted to get that out.

When I am not flip flopping back and forth, and my hair is normal without extensions and I'm dressed as I wish- I still have always worn make up.

My issue with that is that I just really cringe at the idea of being viewed as a butch...lesbian. Just the term in general has always bothered me.

I stopped wearing makeup after I was asked if I was happy.

Game changer. Now, Im passable and I'm not even trying and I feel great. I told her recently that I would rather be viewed as a dude than looked at as just an "aggressive lesbian."

I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and see if anyone has had a similar situation as I am going through.

I know something has to give because whether I am trying to accommodate society as a whole and putting on an act that in turn is extremely discouraging.

Its an ongoing battle of me living comfortably and being associated with a label that doesn't fit how I feel and me accommodating myself for life in general.


Advice? suggestions?

I'm not trying to make this realization go away- just trying to converse with others who have experienced similar and understand having a significant other and the empathy that comes along with that, while self discovery takes place.

Thanks-

BTW- given name is Samantha, but no one ever calls me that, so I've always gone by Sam.
Have not entertained the idea of changing my name as of now,  if that even matters.

So just, call me Sam.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Doubt is pretty common in the early stages of a transition. For MTF member, HRT is highly effective as a check on their feeling because the emotional changes come pretty fast where as the physical changes are slow and sometimes not very pronounced. It's a bit more difficult for the FTM members as Testosterone starts making changes from day one and after 2-3 months of evaluation, going back has become more difficult. The good of it is if Testosterone is right for you, all doubt will fade from your mind and stopping testosterone will be the last thing you want to do.

Many of the FTMs have gone through what you are going through so reviewing the stories of others in the FTM section might be beneficial to you as you will see yourself in their stories. Often the FTMs will identify as non binary in the early stages which was what the early part of your post suggested to me. Latter in the post it became unclear and I don't really know where to place you but I am sure you will be able to figure that out for yourself. There are a couple of links that might help in this process. The first is our WIKI where you will learn what transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will help you explore your feelings. If I can help you with anything, let me know.

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[Lady Lisandra]

My partner was born female, but she considers herself gender fluid. She has phases. Long ones. During several years she might pack, flatten her chest and present herself as a male, then suddenly she could switch back to female mode. She probably wishes she had been born a man, but she's happy now with both genders combined.

Maybe her experience is somehow similar to what's happening to you. Appart from telling you her eperience, I doubt there's anything else I can say, as my path seems very different from yours.

[Laurie]

Hi Sneetches

  I'm Laurie, MtF, Welcome to Susan's Place. Do come in and take a good look around and the have a seat and join in.
I'm of not help with your chosen gender but I am glad you are here to share it with us. I'm sure you are not alone with it here.

Again welcome to Susan's

Hugs,
    Laurie

[V M]

Hi Sneetches 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M