Dealing with a suppressed life, becoming you

[randim]

No further progress on the spectrum. I dont know what to feel actually. I dont feel like a woman. I kinda feel like a guy but at the same time I know Im different. Im still only jealous of women whom I think look good. That cant be true transsexualism. I was growing my nails and hair to feel more fem, but now the nails are short. They seemed to become a hassle. Im also thinking of cutting my hair. Im not prepared to transition so on a 58 year old guy it just feels weird. I dont want a ponytail. I do have wigs n was thinking they're way more fem than my hair.

Over the last few months its been like my transness has backed off. I have had this happen before, years ago. Back then I was sure I was meant to be a woman, n then it seemed to die off. Possibly, its internal resistance, me fighting it. But if I was really trans, shouldnt I not be resisting? It seems to me that if I needed to transition, I wouldnt have these issues.

I feel uncertain like this a lot.  I think gender and sexuality can meander around a great deal even if there is an overall direction its going in.  Or think of line graphs where the line goes up and down even though there is a trend in one direction or another.  I would certainly not discount internal resistance.  You have a lifetime of socialization telling you you're not supposed to be this way.  That is nothing to shrug off.  Clearly, the work you've done, the way you've questioned, I would characterize you as trans in some way.  Maybe that means non-binary as opposed to transitioning, and just incorporating some, but not all, elements of the feminine in your presentation and life.  That is a legitimate choice.   

[amandam]

My wife and I were talking. It seems like over the last 30 years that I've bounced back and forth with this many times. I move toward wanting nothing but fem and then it peters out. I cut my hair. It was bothersome living in hot valleys. I'm not sorry. I'm glad. My nails are short again. They were bothersome also. If I don't feel a strong pull to transition, why have them?

As you can see, it backed off again. I think I'm gender fluid.

[Stella Stanhope]

So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?

Hey there! Thanks for sharing! 
I have a very similar mindset. I cringe when I go out trying to look androgynous or female. I feel like a pathetic, stupid fool. I keep feeling like I need to act more male as some sort of apology for looking like I do and as a sort of automatic defence for when someone wants to remind me that I look like an idiot.  A couple of my friends sometimes come shopping with me for clothes and they are often baffled or amused by how uptight I am in stores when shopping in the female section. I refuse to try anything on in the shop and if asked about sizing or what i want by a shop assistant I usually slip into the conversation that it's for a girlfriend, etc. I'm even worse when I'm with my actual girlfriend as I feel a double drive to act masculine so I don't disappoint her and make us both look like idiots. I'm quite masculine when I am wearing something feminine, it's some innate self-preservation drive to protect myself and people I care about I guess.

I also dislike people knowing that I dress up. So I haven't had my ears pierced and I haven't had my facial hair permanently removed because if I did people would know that I was trying to be something I am not. I only feminise myself with what can be removed at the end of the day in case people find out. It's a dumb strategy in retrospect because it only ever gets harder to feminise with just temporary stuff like clothes and makeup, i'm now at a stage whereby it would take some proper HRT or FFS to make me presentable. I can't just put on a wig and a dress like i could six years ago and look somewhat passable from a distance. You reach a stage where you can't polish a turd, essentially.

But the really effective stuff to achieve feminisation is, you know, kinda permanent and profound. But these would mean breaking my cover and outing myself as someone who is trans. And that feels horrifying as I remember the teasing I used to get from people when I was young and everyone thought I was a girl. I cringe at and hate the thought of having the same gender mocking from people but in the opposite.

Do you feel similar or a bit differently?

[amandam]

I think I feel different. I'm past the point of fighting it. I'm just not "feeling it" right now. I'm still using my Tria to remove hair and will not stop doing that. I'd also like to remove my beard. But, that is still safe to do if you want to present as a male. So, I have some fem traits that are always there, and then it ebbs up and then lowers down again.

[MikeP]

And I'm back. While writing the above post, I dressed in a chemise and panties. I locked the door as everyone else wasn't up. So, I was feeling A-ok. Looked at some trans before and after pics, read some trans blogs, etc. Nothing sexual. Didn't feel aroused at all and not looking at any porn, etc. Just feeling nice in my chemise.

So, I have to change and wtf, there is, excuse me for saying this, leakage on my panty. I never felt aroused at all, just having a nice feeling while dressed and researching transition.

I'm worried that this means, at it's core, my trans issues are ultimately sexual. I am bummed out and don't know what to do.

I had a very similar situation the other weekend after being on this site which I do not find sexual at all. This time I did have my nightgown on which is not unusual for me in the evenings or mornings. 

I am seeing a councilor and trying to get a handle on myself because I spend too much time trying to figure out things myself.  I am often questioning myself for not being "normal" or "typical" and set my mind at ease.  I have read a lot of your post and we have a lot in common.  Thanks for sharing. 

[amandam]

Right now I believe that I'm not transgender enough to transition. I can't possibly see myself transitioning if I still look like a man in a dress. Sounds like too much to live with. Also, losing some family, income, etc. Does that prove I'm not? Or could I be transgender enough, but have just realized the battle is too tough for me?

[Dena]

You are or you aren't transgender. There isn't any such thing as not enough. What it most likely is you haven't yet figured out where you fit into the picture and that varies from person to person. I knew pretty quickly where I was going to end up but we have people on the site in their 60's who are somewhere in their transition. As long as you keep working at it, you will figure it out. Just don't give up hope because there is an answer out there somewhere.

[amandam]

I won't give up hope. I am glad that a lot of my anxiety about the whole thing has gone down. Now I can think more clearly. I won't say I will never transition. Right now I don't "think so". And that's enough for me at this point. Thanks.

[amandam]

I'm feeling more femme lately. I think it's becoming more clear. I've decided I'm not like cis women. I'm also not like cis men. I identify more with women than men, but, not completely. I could go as far as having breasts and hips, yeah, that would be fine. I'd prefer smaller breasts as well as shorter hair and nails. I don't think I'd opt for GCS. Maybe. Maybe I'm just lazy and don't want the hassles women go through with nails, hair, and vagina maintenance, lol.

One things for sure, I want to look like a woman when I dress. I hate seeing any manliness. When I dress I need to "feel like a woman" 100% if that makes any sense. The only way to achieve that is hair removal, weight loss, etc. You know the drill. This will help with my self-esteem, I'm sure.

I'm still trying to get a point of reference on this. Saying I'm like David Bowie is not exactly a good fit. I'm not a crossdresser either, yet, not quite a "transsexual". This is important to me because of my internal battle. It would be helpful for me to come up with a term to describe myself, so I can learn to like it. Being ambiguous isn't working for me mentally. I want this so I can develop some mantras to help my anxiety and depression.

It would be nice to say, "I'm xxx and I'm okay", or "I'm xxx and God loves me". Stuff like that. I'm not sure if genderfluid works as I may be just in the middle, and the only fluidity are my emotions about it. I've thought about the old term "transgenderist" but I'm not fulltime. I'm not sure about "nonbinary" as it seems a little nebulous. Maybe that's just the engineer in me talking. Any suggestions?

[amandam]

What luck! My new MD has extensive experience with trans people. She handled this for the VA at her last job. She has trans people in her family too. Oh my!

[amandam]

I forgot to mention. When she found out I had trans issues, she started treating me like a girl. I was SO happy. I liked it so much it has taken me aback. Not even my therapist does that. I mean it felt so good, I had to give her a hug when I left.

[KathyLauren]

What a treat to have a new doctor that is knowledgeable and supportive of your being trans!

It would be nice to say, "I'm xxx and I'm okay"

Would "I'm Amanda and I'm okay" work? 

[amandam]

What a treat to have a new doctor that is knowledgeable and supportive of your being trans!
Would "I'm Amanda and I'm okay" work? 

Yes! That works! And I also found a youtube video where the woman says don't ask if you should transition, because you can convince yourself one way or another and then unconvince yourself, and then flip-flop. She said instead, ask yourself what you want to experience. That makes a lot of sense to me.

Let's try that on for size, I want to experience:
Being thin like in my youth, effeminate, and I could see my hips. I was happier then. Don't like my "manly" body.
Being able to feel 100% female/being happy with my look when presenting female. No male hints.
Going out in public, shopping with no apprehension, etc. Don't have to pass, but want to present nicely.
Having breasts, small ones are a-ok.
I want to experience no beard or male-pattern body hair.

Well, look at that, I didn't ask myself if I need to transition. It's like needing or not needing to transition doesn't even matter.

[pamelatransuk]

Yes! That works! And I also found a youtube video where the woman says don't ask if you should transition, because you can convince yourself one way or another and then unconvince yourself, and then flip-flop. She said instead, ask yourself what you want to experience. That makes a lot of sense to me.

Let's try that on for size, I want to experience:
Being thin like in my youth, effeminate, and I could see my hips. I was happier then. Don't like my "manly" body.
Being able to feel 100% female/being happy with my look when presenting female. No male hints.
Going out in public, shopping with no apprehension, etc. Don't have to pass, but want to present nicely.
Having breasts, small ones are a-ok.
I want to experience no beard or male-pattern body hair.

Well, look at that, I didn't ask myself if I need to transition. It's like needing or not needing to transition doesn't even matter.

Wow Amanda clearly you are well on your way to acceptance and possible transition now! (I have been following your story since the start).

I am so happy thrice that you have a trans experienced MD, that she treats you like a girl and for your latest description of your desired experience!

I wish to experience precisely the same as you!

Hugs

Pamela

[amandam]

Well, it's been one month since this post, and this is exactly how I still feel. I've been obsessing for awhile, searching for before and after mtf pictures. Pretty much everyday. There's a thought in the back of my head the whole time, "If I could be as successful as that one I would do it", or, "She is so lucky, I want to be her". I don't know what's achievable with transition for me, but somehow, I resist if I won't look right, or somehow, it's only a wishful fantasy. I haven't decided. I know at this point I don't want to be a man in a dress, but is that fear, or does it mean I'm not really a candidate for transition? I don't know the answer.

Yes! That works! And I also found a youtube video where the woman says don't ask if you should transition, because you can convince yourself one way or another and then unconvince yourself, and then flip-flop. She said instead, ask yourself what you want to experience. That makes a lot of sense to me.

Let's try that on for size, I want to experience:
Being thin like in my youth, effeminate, and I could see my hips. I was happier then. Don't like my "manly" body.
Being able to feel 100% female/being happy with my look when presenting female. No male hints.
Going out in public, shopping with no apprehension, etc. Don't have to pass, but want to present nicely.
Having breasts, small ones are a-ok.
I want to experience no beard or male-pattern body hair.

Well, look at that, I didn't ask myself if I need to transition. It's like needing or not needing to transition doesn't even matter.

[pamelatransuk]

I don't want to be a man in a dress either but I have decided to publicly transition in 2019.

Go for it Amanda either in this year or next. Your previous post of August 18th says it all!

Hugs and happiness to you!

Pamela

[KathyLauren]

Well, it's been one month since this post, and this is exactly how I still feel.

That is very telling, Amanda.  That means that you have accurately determined what you want.  That is a big step, one that a lot of people wrestle with for a long time.  So, well done on that!

I know at this point I don't want to be a man in a dress, but is that fear

Yes, it is fear.  We all have that fear.  The fears will go away as you gain confidence by going out as yourself.

I am 64.  I was 62 when I started HRT and went full-time.  And I can tell you that your goals are achievable.  Well, the "no male hints" may depend on your bone structure.  But certainly, all your other goals are achievable: I am living them every day now.

Thin: well thinner.  I started practising portion control, and I actually have a waistline and hips now.
100% female and happy: yes, I am there.
Happy with my look: I can't see him any more when I look in the mirror.  I have good fashion sense.
Out in public, no apprehension: totally.  Grocery shopping is just grocery shopping.  I dress a little upscale compared to many ladies, but I see many other shoppers dressed like me.
Don't have to pass: that's my attitude, too.  I don't mind if prople know or guess that I am trans, as long as they are nice about it.  Most are.  And, surprisingly, I am finding that I do seem to pass!
Breasts: After a year and a half, I can finally fill an A-cup.  I'm good with that.  I know women with smaller boobs than mine, so I'm not going to complain.  And they are still growing, slowly.

I tell you this, not to brag, but to show that, even with a late start in life, your goals are totally realistic and achievable.  It sound to me like you are ready to start getting out there.

Come on in, the water is fine!

[amandam]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to try. I have to fight with myself over some of these things, but I feel as though my depression and anxiety are linked to it. The more I move toward my goals, the better I think I'll feel.