Update on my situation - started HRT in Late July and had 2nd thoughts

[missmolly]

On July 28 I started HRT and subsequently made a post on here saying while I was glad to have finally started after years of thinking about it, I was still having 2nd thoughts.

I took my last estrogen pills/spiro pill on August 1 so I made it 5 days before going on a hiatus. I felt 95% sure I wanted to transition, but that 5% of doubt just kept getting louder and louder and I felt that putting my HRT on pause until I could come to terms with that 5% of doubt was the right decision.

Now its been nearly 2 weeks since the pause and I feel like my desire to transition has only gotten stronger. The dysphoria has not gone away, it's only strengthened. My desire to transition and dysphoria shows up at all times of the day, even when I am sleeping as I can feel it in my subconcious. I'll be in that 75% asleep, 25% awake phase and be dealing with strong feelings of dysphoria and desire to transition. I can't escape it. I wonder if it is withdrawal of estrogen. Not physical withdrawal like a drug addict would have, but a psychological one - because my brain and body was so happy during my 5 day run of taking estrogen that it is "upset" that I stopped.

So why did I put it on pause despite all of this.

As I stated in my first thread - myself. I have a lot going for me. I am one of the best in the country at what I do and am considered a rising star in my industry, and the day I stopped taking HRT, I was presented with a new opportunity that I wanted to seize. It's an opportunity I could still do as a transwoman, but it would be different. As a guy I feel like I have so much potential to move up the ladder and make a lot of myself. Plus I am a good looking guy, I have done modeling before and have no trouble getting female attention. I have so much going for me, such a high upside. It was and still is difficult convincing myself to risk it for a transition.

Then you have my family. My sister and brother in law whom I am close to just had a baby and they are very excited of me being an uncle to him. They trust me a lot and have me very involved in my nephew's upbringing. I am worried I would be taken out of the loop if I were to transition.

I feel like I would disappoint my dad. He has gone through a lot, mentally and health wise. Adding me, his only son, transitioning would be another thing for him to deal with after all he has gone through.

I feel like I would disappoint my mom. I am her only son and she loves me very much. While she will always love me no matter what I know it would take a while for her to accept the fact I am becoming a woman even if she said she accepts me. I know deep down she would be devastated for a while.

I feel like I would disappoint my uncle and cousin. I am very close to them and my uncle is like a 2nd dad to me, especially with the things my own dad has gone through. And my cousin is 7 years younger than me and I have been like an older brother and mentor to him. My uncle/aunt thank me all the time for helping be a good role model. Not just these 2 but I feel like I would disappoint the rest of my relatives.

I feel like I would disappoint my employer. I work in an industry that is tolerant and accepting of these things and ahead of the curve, but even then I feel like there would be some disappointment. My boss and his boss celebrate every day that they found me and hired me because I am so good at what I do. They show me off everywhere and talk about how great I am to everyone. They have invested a lot into me. I am on the fast track to even greater things and I feel like this would throw a wrench into all of that.


Transitioning is something I know I want for myself. It's something my mind wrestles with 24/7. Ultimately its other people who are giving me doubt. If I had no family, no employer, nothing - it would be a no brainer. But I feel like me putting my transition on hold isn't for myself, but for others. I am so worried about how others would react to it all and damaging existing relationships that I have. I guess you could call it fear. Is keeping those relationships in tact - as well as staying male and maximizing my potential and reaching my goals - worth having to deal with this torment for the rest of my life? I've tried everything the first 30 years of my life to try and defeat it - I can't. 

[HoneyStrums]

the question is. Is all of that worth having if your not happy with it.


One of the things that helped me with my family was, that when they said they loved me, I never felt loved, I always felt maybe you wouldn't if you knew.

I lived an unhappy life, so others could be happy, it nearly killed me.
Be happy and keep what you can.

My choice was, if i come out and they hate me, they never really loved me. (only who i pretended to be)

I choose to be happy
and my family had the choice of being happy i was happy.
Or being sad that I wasn't the person they thought i was.

I lost a lot, but for me it was worth it. I'm much happier with less family, because I can be happy as well as the ones I still have.

[Laurie]

Hi Miss Molly,

  You can attempt to live your life for others, yes, and many do. I tried it and I didn't like the person I became. I tried to reign in my desires to be a normal man, I had a good career, a wife, and two children. Life was good, right? If it was so good, why did I fear losing my wife? Why was I angry? Why did I treat her badly? Why did I abuse drugs? Why did I become an alcoholic? Why was my daughter's home life so bad that she left home as soon as she could and was no longer speaking to me? Everything was fine. Right? I was happy wasn't I?
  I grew up wishing I was a female, I was a life long crossdresser. My wife knew about it and at best tolerated it. I knew nothing of Gender Dysphoria until years after I had destroyed everything that I thought was going to make me happy and successful. I believe the worst thing is that my daughter still blames me for her troubles. Not just her lousy home life but for her own personal difficulties in life now.  I believe my unknown dysphoria played a part in it all though I knew nothing about such things at the time. Crossdressing helped me fend off my dysphoria a little bit and allowed me to deny my real desire to become a woman.

  I cannot change my past but I could change my future. I no longer drink, do drugs, or even smoke now and my life was better for it. I still cross dressed in private when I could. Last November I discovered  the term gender dysphoria and did a bit of research on it. I found I it fit me and my life. In  December I started HRT to become that woman I was hiding inside me. I'm less angry, more able to feel my emotions, happy about the changes I'm seeing in my body and a little in my face, Several of my friends tell me I appear happier than I was pre HRT, more importantly I feel happier than I ever have. Sure I have my bad days where my insecurities and doubts come back to haunt me, but they don't last long.

  I have 3 regrets.
    1. I regret I ruined my life when I was younger and the lives of my wife and daughter while they were with me.
    2. I regret the loss of my daughter and her family due to her inability to forgive me and accept that I am transgender. I lose 5 grand children and her husband along with her.
    3. I regret not know I was trans a long time ago and being able to transition back then.

  I do not regret being transgender as it has finally liberated me to become myself.

  Yes Miss Molly you can put your life on hold for others and your career, but at what cost? I hope it will be nothing like my own.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[Bari Jo]

You sound like me at your age.  I also went on HRT and it scared the hell out of me, was working too fast and I was worried how it would affect my career.  I can tell you now in my late 40s, I wish I continued it back then.  The trans feelings never go away.  In fact they get stronger.  At least they did with me.  maybe continue?  Ask your doctor if you can go slow.

[HappyMoni]

Molly, there are people on this site who don't transition but who take some form of HRT to quiet the trans beast enough to live life pretty well. It is an option. Only you know what is best. I would caution you that if you are looking at everyone else as the reason you don't transition, well just be sure it isn't really you putting your fear on them. You are right, people can be disappointed or cut you out of their lives, it is possible. It is also possible that you will be happier, you will as a result treat others better, and they will be happier. I had people cry when I came out. Why, because it hurt them to know that I hid in pain for so many years. People who love you will love you male or female. The ones who reject, well, were they ever  really on your side? Like I said, your life, you call the shots.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Now its been nearly 2 weeks since the pause and I feel like my desire to transition has only gotten stronger. The dysphoria has not gone away, it's only strengthened. My desire to transition and dysphoria shows up at all times of the day, even when I am sleeping as I can feel it in my subconcious. I'll be in that 75% asleep, 25% awake phase and be dealing with strong feelings of dysphoria and desire to transition. I can't escape it. I wonder if it is withdrawal of estrogen. Not physical withdrawal like a drug addict would have, but a psychological one - because my brain and body was so happy during my 5 day run of taking estrogen that it is "upset" that I stopped.

Dysphoria is like that.  It will never go away.  So the question is, are you willing to live with it for the rest of your life  in the hope that your family will continue to love your fake self?

I feel like I would disappoint my employer. I work in an industry that is tolerant and accepting of these things and ahead of the curve, but even then I feel like there would be some disappointment. My boss and his boss celebrate every day that they found me and hired me because I am so good at what I do. They show me off everywhere and talk about how great I am to everyone. They have invested a lot into me. I am on the fast track to even greater things and I feel like this would throw a wrench into all of that.

If your employer and your industry are accepting of trans people, and if your employer values you so much, how will that change if you transition?  You may surprise them, but, unless the work actually requires a penis, it is unlikely that they will value you less.

Family, well, that is different.  They may well be unaccepting, and that would be unfortunate.  But is it worth making yourself miserable for the rest of your life because of that possibility?  They may well be accepting and love the real you that much more.

I worried a lot about how my younger brother would take the news of my transition.  I put off telling him for a long time.  But at the point at which I went full-time, I felt I owed it to him to tell him myself before he heard about me from someone else.  A few days later, I got the loveliest email from him, praising my courage, calling me his sister, and promising love and acceptance!  Sometimes people surprise you for the better.

[missmolly]

I lived an unhappy life, so others could be happy, it nearly killed me.

This post really hit home. Thanks. If my family really loves me(and I know they do) you think they would be accepting of my decision to do what it takes to live a happy life. You think me telling them I tried but failed to sacrifice it all for them would be pleasing and help soften the blow.

Yes Miss Molly you can put your life on hold for others and your career, but at what cost? I hope it will be nothing like my own.

More truth. Thank you.

I had people cry when I came out. Why, because it hurt them to know that I hid in pain for so many years.

I could see this happening with my family.

Dysphoria is like that.  It will never go away.  So the question is, are you willing to live with it for the rest of your life  in the hope that your family will continue to love your fake self?

I hate it. I try everything to be normal. I lift heavy weights, I try to build muscle, I do manly things, I grow facial hair, I try to play the role of an alpha male, I go out and pick up women for cheap sex, I call myself names, and it doesn't go away. The thing is people who don't suffer what we do don't get it. They think its just a weird kink or fetish. They don't understand that its literally hard wired into our brain and there is NOTHING we can do about it.

If your employer and your industry are accepting of trans people, and if your employer values you so much, how will that change if you transition?  You may surprise them, but, unless the work actually requires a penis, it is unlikely that they will value you less.

I work in broadcast news. My main role at the station is analytics - I am extremely skilled with numbers and I break down our audience for our news and sales teams. The sales guys love me because I can create fancy algorithims to show to clients  to bring more money to the station. Our sales managers bring me out on client calls to build relationships with clients so they spend more money with us. I am very client facing in that regard and I wonder if they would be as willing to put me infront of clients if I were transitioning. Sales, while there are female saleswomen in the building and even a female sales manager, is still a male dominated business. The other role I recently got at the station is a weekly on-air role. I really do wonder how that would work if I were to transition fully. Would they still want me on camera.

But is it worth making yourself miserable for the rest of your life because of that possibility?  They may well be accepting and love the real you that much more.

No. And honestly my family knows something is off, something has never been right. I am a good looking guy who has no problem getting female attention or casual sex, but I have never had a girlfriend or meaningful relationship. My parents took me to counseling at a young age, and again as a teenager, and have always told me to go to therapy as an adult because they know something just isn't right. I did go to therapy - just not the therapy they were thinking about. Maybe it would make sense to them if I were to come out.

Thanks all for your replies, I appreciate it. I still have my estrogen and spiro in the medicine cabinet. May very well hop back on the train tonight.