how to navigate awkward in-between phase?

[sherie157]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a new member. After years of repression and covering, I'm finally on my way to becoming my authentic self. I've come out to family and lots of friends. But not at work - yet.  I've been on anti-androgens for quite a while, and that has resulted pretty nice "man boobs".  I started E around 3 weeks ago and the changes are happening even faster than I hoped.

In my mind, I pictured a timeline like:  be on HRT for some time (say 9-12 months), then FFS, then transition immediately at work when I return after FFS recovery. Maybe that's 1 year out.  But in the awkward interim, I think my breasts will be pretty noticeable. I've started to wonder about binding them during the period I still officially present as male? I don't want to have FFS until I've been on HRT for a while, and I really want to do FFS before my official transition.  How did others navigate through the awkward in-between phase? 

Thank you! 
Sherie K

[Alora]

Hi Sherie,

Welcome!!

One of the things that worked for me was owning who I am. I accepted myself, and don't give two ->-bleeped-<-s about what others think.

People can be mean, but this is my life and I've hidden long enough. For me right now, it's not about passing, it's about finding my happiness and living it out. Eventually, yes I'd like to pass 100% but I have to fight against age and genetics so it's going to take some time.


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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's not recommended that you bind when you have new growing breasts. If you need to suppress the masses, consider a sports bra and blame it on the medication your doctor gave you (nasty side effect). Often HRT forces us into the public sooner than we expect but the opposite is true as well. I was on HRT for around 4 years and I was still wearing a AA bra at the end of that time period. Returning to HRT a little over a year ago has pushed me into a solid B cup so treatment was pretty primitive back then. I would suggest that you do some part time between now and when you decide to go full time as it will help you become comfortable in public. Many of us can pass effectively without FFS but with the proper hair and makeup. In my case the only work I had done was fixing a messy nose but other than that, it was all makeup and hair.

There is another risk you face. Many of us enter male fail a few months into HRT and we find it near impossible to pass as male any longer. If you are responding well to HRT, your time might come sooner than you think.

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[HappyMoni]

Sherie,
   Dena is right, it is good to get some time out even if you aren't ready for prime time. I kind of hated the middle at the time, but looking back, getting real life experiences was very good for me.
   My time line was start HRT and therapy, come out to family and friends, come out at work (there was a 8 to 9 month time between telling them and presenting there, I work in a school), do FFS, and then full time. It got to be so hard dressing male at work and female everywhere else.
   I am very happy you have found your true self and are moving forward. Congrats. My  name is Moni and I hope to see you around.

[MeghanMe]

Hi Sherie,

I'm following the timeline you describe, more or less exactly. I would second Dena and Moni's suggestion -- find some safe places and get some time out as yourself (if you aren't doing that already!). It will give you a little bit of feedback on how you're doing with things like clothes, make-up, and voice, and it also helps you feel like you're making progress.

I tried binding for a while, but it was awkward and uncomfortable and I hated being out of breath all the time, so I stopped. Now I'm doing what Dena suggested: I wear a sports bra under a t-shirt under an overshirt or fleece. That works well enough for me.

Other than that it's just been a matter of toughing it out. I started coming out to certain people at work about a year into HRT, and that's helped -- I can usually find a receptive ear to bend if I'm having a difficult day at the office.

The further I get into transition, the less I care what other people think about it. I'm not in any danger of male-fail, even a year and a half in, but I'm still pretty sure about half the company thinks I look weird at this point (shaped eyebrows and long colored hair and bruises from electrolysis and enough subtle little face and body changes from the HRT all add up). Anyway, it doesn't matter much at this point -- I'll be coming out company-wide in about three weeks, then leaving to have my FFS two weeks later.

One thing to keep in mind about the FFS is that the lead times are very long. All the reputable surgeons had at least a five month waiting period, and for the one I chose it was seven. Factor that into your timeline when deciding when to start your consultations.

Finally, congratulations on starting your transition! May it bring you joy.

Meghan

[Justine]

Hi Sherie

I am also exactly in this in between phase right now. I have come out to my family and close friends as well as the one HR lady. My life is getting so much better, but at work I still present as male and have to tediously act like my old self.I started HRT 3 months ago and I am 36 years old already.

My line of thinking is that nothing is running away from me. I would rather be patient and make sure to give myself enough time to gather a proper female wardrobe,  enough money to go for the surgeries I want, and polish up on my voice training as well as makeup techniques before coming out fully at work and in public. For the time being I am presenting in a much more unisex type of style.

I know it really sucks to have to still present as male after not feeling like it at all when at work. I do feel that the more you soften the impact on people that already know you, the less of a shock it would be when you finally present full time. I do not want to be perceived as a man in a dress, and this is what gives me the patience and the determination to keep working on preparing and bettering myself for when the time is right.

Good luck, and I hope all your dreams and your vision for the future realizes. Just remember that the in between phase is still better than what you had before you started.

Hugs
Justine

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[KathyLauren]

My time between starting HRT and going full-time was brief: just three months.  The girls started growing fairly early in that time, so I controlled them under baggy work shirts with an unpadded sports bra.  At the rate they were growing, I was running the risk of male-fail by the end of the three months, but unfortunately, they stopped growing.   

For several months prior to starting HRT, I had been going to weekly support groups dressed as myself.  That is a great way to get used to acting and being perceived (at least from a distance) as one's true gender.  It did wonders for my self-confidence when the time came to go full-time.

[noleen111]

The awkward in between phase.. I hated that.. I was lucky as my breasts started to grow very quickly, so I had noticeable breasts very quickly which helped with passing.. I did my laser before HRT

I dressed very gender neutral in that time, wore baggy clothes. Having long hair and pierced ears helped as I could put on a pair of hoop earrings and letting my hair hang loose kinda made me look like a tomboy. 

[RavenMoon]

I'm also in an in between stage. I haven't started HRT yet because I didn't want to start unless I knew I could get FFS. I didn't want to get stuck in between!

So I live as a very androgynous guy. This is how they know me at my job. I'm also a musician, so they just don't blink an eye about my appearance. I don't wear makeup or overtly feminine clothing, but I do wear nail polish and have long black and purple hair.  Lol.

I genuinely dress in things like skinny jeans and black t shirts. So I'm very unisex looking, even though they are women's jeans, etc.

Now I have the opportunity to get FFS (my best friend is helping), so I can begin my journey for real.

So when that time comes I'll have to explain my situation at work.


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[RobynD]

I went full time a few months before starting HRT, but i was always someone androgynous or feminine presenting. The phases we go through are really sort of a late puberty as is so often described. Here is what i found helpful:

1. Wearing clothing i liked and felt comfortable in without trying to look like any ideal person. Still, i pushed myself a bit and my style evolved some. A went from pretty tomboy to the feminine side of tomboy and now i feel comfortable in even girlier modes.
2. Self care, can't say enough about this if you can afford it, spas, massage, pedicures etc
3. Lots of exercise and getting into the outdoors
4. Finding people that accept and love you. Support groups etc. In my case it was a couple of bars, where i made some of the best friends i have ever had.
5. Sports bras can work really well when you are trying to be less out there with your development.

I wanted to be seen as feminine and a trans woman, even though it was awkward and scary at times. I also had the luxury of being able to be out basically all of the time and particularly at work.

[sherie157]

Thank you everyone!  I'm overwhelmed by your thoughtful responses! This was my first posting.

I'll take the advice to not pursue binding, and instead try the sports bra route when I think necessary.  Also - the tip around FFS leadtimes is very helpful - I will get moving on researching and setting up initial consults.

The advice on getting out is helpful, but not needed in my case - I've been going out in full femme for many years now. But only a 2-3 times a month, in accordance with a compromise between me & my wife.

I have quite a wardrobe, and am very proficient with make-up.  I live in the Twin Cities area, so it's safe. I can use the proper bathroom.  I go everywhere en femme and am quite comfortable. I have tons of friends who only know my femme persona. Once I move out of my house (my wife and I are separating), I will be free to express myself freely much more often.

The main concern for me has been what to do at work.

I've already invested years and countless dollars into laser & electrolysis. I'm 95% done.  I've had injections to enhance my cheeks and lips. My brows are quite thin.  I've been addressed as ma'am while intending to present male.  I wish I could post a pic but the rules don't allow it until I put up quite a few postings.

Again, thank you for the warm welcomes, for your suggestions, and your support!

[Devlyn]

Hi Sherie, welcome to Susan's Place! A couple things: You can post pics in a thread anytime, they do need to be stored on an image hosting site. The avatar restriction is post count related.

I started growing my hair, then began estrogen supplements, then came out and started presenting fulltime, then changed my name, and this year I pursued pharmaceutical HRT and will be getting surgery (orchi) before the year is out.

In other words, I trudged through the awkward phase the old-fashioned way! 

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[sherie157]

Thank you Devlyn!

There are so many paths one might take.  This is certainly not a linear process.

I'm real glad a friend recommended this site to me.

I am much more a fan of IRL over virtual forums/chats, but this site will prove invaluable to me.

Glad to have you as a friend.

Sherie

[elkie-t]

Hi Sherie. Since you're separating, find yourself a place to live (furnished room might be the cheapest option, and a motel with a weekly rate might be the easiest/fastest), then move to full-time, job included.

When 2 people are separating, the longer you postpone inevitable, the more difficult it becomes. And separation isn't final. People often underestimate how they like each other's support and company and might reunion, or find a new arrangement in life but on the new terms.

Since you're already transitioned to the point of mail failure, you cannot back off realistically. So the sooner you start the new chapter of your life, the longer it will be.


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[Julia1996]

I pretty much avoided the in between stage. I did HRT  my last year of high school. But I didn't come out as trans. I had enough trouble already and didn't want to add to it. I was very androgynous anyway and I was the school "->-bleeped-<-" ( I never said I was gay but it was totally assumed that I was) so wearing makeup or fem looking clothes really didn't surprise anyone. When I started getting boobs I just wore baggy tops. Except for one weird ass girl, no one was attracted to me enough to really study my body enough to notice my boobs.

Like others have said, if someone asks about your breast development just say it's a side effect of your treatment. If they ask what you're having treatment for just say "I really can't talk about it yet" and just walk away. It's not a lie. Knowing how totally nosy people are the attention they gave your boobs will turn into speculation about what's wrong with you. People pretty much ->-bleeped-<-s in general but they are predictable.
Julia

[elkie-t]

I pretty much avoided the in between stage. I did HRT  my last year of high school. But I didn't come out as trans. I had enough trouble already and didn't want to add to it. I was very androgynous anyway and I was the school "->-bleeped-<-" ( I never said I was gay but it was totally assumed that I was)

There's some freedom in being at the bottom of the societal hierarchy. You cannot make it worse no matter what you do.

Or as old mr Floor's rule said 'you cannot fall if you're already laying on the floor'.

[Harley Quinn]

I wouldn't bind, but a sports bra works well. Even a tight tank top under your shirt(s).  You can also use plaid to break up their profile. Dressing loose and in layers is another option. If you wear a shirt and tie, vertical stripes on the shirt and let it do it's natural "balloon" thing and don't use the blousers and attach your shirt tails to your socks. I've had a lot of luck with it.

[sherie157]

Thank Girls, for more great feedback!

Yes - I've signed a lease for a townhouse and will be moving out in early October. Now my top focus is shopping for EVERYTHING, as I will leave our current house intact for my wife. While daunting it's kind of fun, staring from scratch, and developing my own sense of style.

I completly did not understand this part of one of the posts:   "and don't use the blousers and attach your shirt tails to your socks. I've had a lot of luck with it."

Is there a typo somewhere?  What the heck are blousers and how & why would one attach shirt tails to socks?  Are you playing with me??   

[elkie-t]

When shopping, don't buy clothes on Internet. Buying in a store is more fun and safer to your wallet. Look for practical styles you will be wearing from day one in your new place.


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[Harley Quinn]

Thank Girls, for more great feedback!

Yes - I've signed a lease for a townhouse and will be moving out in early October. Now my top focus is shopping for EVERYTHING, as I will leave our current house intact for my wife. While daunting it's kind of fun, staring from scratch, and developing my own sense of style.

I completly did not understand this part of one of the posts:   "and don't use the blousers and attach your shirt tails to your socks. I've had a lot of luck with it."

Is there a typo somewhere?  What the heck are blousers and how & why would one attach shirt tails to socks?  Are you playing with me??   

Sorry shirt garters. Used to keep your shirt down.

Worn under your clothes shirt garters help to keep your shirt down or tucked in throughout the day. They can also be used to keep your socks up. A simple style idea that works. An inventive new business wear product. Keep your shirts tucked in socks up.