Introduction - Becca's first post

[Becca Kay]

I've been lurking on the boards for a while trying to get up the courage to post.  I'm in my 40s, born and lived as a straight male my entire life.  I'm married.  No kids.  My entire adult life I've struggled with depression and an eating disorder.  4 years ago my depression and ED behavior got really bad and I started seeing a therapist for the first time in my life.   I was diagosed with depression, body dysmorphia and EDNOS.  Therapy helped as did Zoloft, but despite seeing the same therapist on and off for the past 4 years I've never brought up my feelings or thoughts regarding what i believe to be gender dysmorphia. 

I remember as a kid wishing i was a girl and occasionally dressing up (in secret) in my sister or mother's clothes.  Despite being 6' tall since I was 13 years old and having a thin masculine build I always felt that my body was just wrong.  I never felt that I looked masculine enough to "fit in" as a man.  It would seem crazy to anybody who knows me to hear me say that.  Because I don't look at all feminine.  I think now that I was internalizing the dysmorphia and worrying that people would somehow guess what was in my mind.   

I tried and tried through most of my teens and 20s to suppressed these feelings.  But I think all it did was feed my eating disorder.  Since my early 30s I've been on a kind of cycle where I'd drink and eat way too much, gain a lot of weight and then dive into a weight loss and food restriction phase.  My weight has fluctuated from boarderline anorexia at times up to being officially overweight (according to my health insurance company, LOL). 

Earlier this year my weight plateaued at the highest it's ever been and it sent me back into restricting my food.  About a month ago something just snapped in me.  I don't know what it was.  I don't think I was triggered by anything specific.  But it was like I just couldn't clamp it all down anymore and since then I feel like I'm just being flooded with these thoughts and I don't know what to do about them. 

Despite keeping this detail from my therapist I feel like I know for sure that this is gender dysphoria.  Now I'm almost afraid for some reason to bring this up in therapy.  I feel like I've been lying to my therapist by holding this back. 

Despite being together for more than a decade my wife had no idea that I had an eating disorder until 4 years ago when I hit bottom and went into therapy.  She knows nothing about my feelings regarding my gender.

I don't know where I'm going at this point.  I've lost 30 lbs so far this summer.  Recenlty I shaved off my beard and almost all my body hair.  I scheduled a consult later this month for lazer hair removal (face and neck).  I feel like I need to DO SOMETHING to make my self feel better.  I've also promised myself that at my next therapy appointment i would bring this up for the very first time and try to talk about it.


Anyway... I'm hoping that maybe I can use these boards to calm down my mind a bit and maybe feel more comfortable with myself.  I've been lurking for a while and I've found this to be a rather welcoming and supportive place, and I hope at least I'll get some positive out of it. 

[Kendra]

Hello Becca!  Thank you for posting and becoming a member of Susan's Place.  I think in time you will thank yourself, I certainly have.

I am MTF and know from personal experience the challenges of controlling alcohol and weight - and it doesn't help when we are inundated with advertising encouraging this form of consumption along with social pressure, and it's even tax deductible in some business settings.  I had to address both issues and these were extremely difficult for me.  Even worse when I didn't know the underlying cause at the time - I had no idea.  I was never diagnosed with depression but that's because I never bothered to check.  In the past I was very careful with which brand of oil was in my car's engine but didn't pay any attention to what I ate.  That's because I was proud of a vehicle manufactured on an assembly line but I didn't like myself. 

In addition to becoming a member I'm glad you decided to bring this all up with your therapist.  I think you find this benefits you in ways you haven't thought of - I am saying that based on my own experience.  Quite a few members who were on medication for depression have found directly addressing their underlying dysphoria reduced or eliminated the need for antidepressants in the long term.  If your therapist isn't a gender specialist they might refer to to one.  Any good professional knows they can't be an expert in all fields.  My GP doctor impressed me when he mentioned I am his first transgender patient - I am not concerned at all as my endocrinologist in the same medical center has extensive experience with transgender patients.

We always provide some information to new members, as Susan's has several unique characteristics to keep this place running smoothly and welcoming to all members of our community.  I will provide it here for you.

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.

I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Becca I am so glad you are here now.  See you around!

Kendra

[V M]

Hi Becca 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M