How do you deal with Difficult family members?

[Kanako]

I had came out as transgender about 7-8 months ago with family and friends.  I'm pretty lucky that I was welcomed with overwhelming love and support from all.  However, my sister in law did not share the same sentiment.  While she hasn't verbally stated her mind on the situation, her actions have told me she's not in favor.

Before my coming out she, my brother, and nephew would come over each Sunday for family dinner.  While she was never really loving towards my mom and I she would show a lot of affection for my dad.  Like when they would leave she would always hug my dad and try to avoid either my mom or myself.  If we were ever lucky enough to receive a hug from her, it almost felt like a chore for her.  I would always write it off and just figured that's just how she was.  I want to have a close relationship with her, because she's family, but it's like no matter what I do I she's always distant.

Anyways, when I came out she, my brother, and nephew stopped coming to family night dinners.  I figured, at first, that they needed to get used to the situation and probably take time to explain it to my nephew.  But then after months of not seeing them, I figure that maybe it was something else.  I would still see my brother at work and he would seem to be fine with me.  He's always had a reserved personality,  so it's always hard to tell how he's feeling.  I always try to respect my sister in law's boundaries, so if my parents ever have an activity with my nephew, I'd stay home and let them enjoy themselves.

I'd just figure that my sister in law would come around and I can see my brother and nephew regularly again.  But after 8 months I wonder if I need to make the first step, or if I should just start getting used to never my nephew again.  I mean I know that my sister in law was superficial, but I love her unconditionally because my brother married her.  And I love my brother and I would support him no matter what he does.  However, I think if they weren't married I don't think I would want to be around my sister in law, and know that's horrible to say.  I want us to still have a good relationship because I love my brother and nephew so much.  But it's so hard to, especially when I found out that she had been belittling my mom and blaming her for not sharing with her that I was transgender sooner.  Since I shared my coming out with my parents way sooner than anyone else.  And I actually told my brother last, because I was afraid something like this would happen.

I'm at the point that I have no idea what to do and I hate to burden people with my problems.  But I'm at the point I need advice or at least know I'm not alone in this.

Much love and thanks to anyone who read my long winded post,

Zoe

[LizK]

Dear Zoe

Welcome to Susan's

I see you have managed to slip through the net and not get an official welcome, apologies for that.

Families can be so difficult to deal with. I wish I had the answer, the only thing that seems to have made any difference with mine is time.

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[Dayta]

Welcome, Zoe! 

My first instinct is to engage your brother, depending of course upon your relationship with him.  Perhaps it's possible to meet him discretely, or maybe establish some alternate regular or semi-regular time/place to see him and your nephew.  Maybe he'll open up to you a little on what's going on, or maybe he'll take her side.  It may be worth it to find out where you stand, and likely much less confrontational than going straight to her. 

I wouldn't get too caught up in whether she's upset about who told whom first.  It's your transition, and only you can determine how and when to talk with your family members.  If she's upset about that, it's her problem, not yours. 

Best of luck, and congratulations to you on coming out!

Erin

[Julia1996]

There really isn't much you can do with difficult relatives except try to educate them and hope they become accepting or cut them out of your life. I'm very lucky that most of  my family is accepting. But it seems like there's one in every family that has to be trouble. In mine it's my uncle Jason. He's my dad's older brother. He was very much against me transitioning.  He would tell my dad he shouldn't allow me to do it and that he wasn't doing me any favors supporting and helping my transition. That put a strain on my dad's relationship with him. Then the woman he's marrying didn't want me to attend their wedding. She thought it would be too much of a "distraction" to everyone. So my dad and brother didn't go either. After his now wife did that my dad wants nothing to do with either of them. Sometimes you have to cut family members out of your life. It's sad but unfortunately it's a common thing for many trans people.
Julia

[Paige]

Just curious, have your parents made any comments about the situation?  You sister-in-law sounds like a bit of a narcissist. 

I don't really have any idea on how to deal with this.  Maybe ask your brother if he and your nephew would like to have lunch or do some activity.   If he says no, at least you know where you stand.

Take care,
Paige  

[Kanako]

ElizabethK:

Thanks it's been pretty much how I've been trying to handle it so far.  Just didn't know if I'm in the wrong for not trying to initiate anything.

Dayta:

Thank you.  I like that idea, probably one of the better ways to handle a situation like this.

Julia1996:

Thanks for sharing, I feel like we are in the same boat.  But it sounds like we are still lucky that we still have many other family members who love and support us.  Hopefully the difficult people will come around, and if not, their loss amiright?

Paige:

They're like me, we don't like to make waves.  So anything negative they keep to themselves, but I can easily pry it out of them if I need to but I choose not to.  Since there isn't much communication going on between my sister in law and the rest of the family, it's hard to tell what's she's really thinking.  I'm still just giving her the benefit of the doubt until I have definitive proof of her true feelings.  Right now I can only base it on her action which can be seen as insecurity, being shunned, cautious, or all of the above.

[Tommie_9]

I guess we each have to deal with trials our own way. I'm me. I say, deal with it. I have lots of family members who love and accept me as the girl I've always been. The ones that don't, I move on. I have angels surrounding me, and so do you. Much love and acceptance coming your way!