feeling confident !!!

[pheonix]

i'm on T from 6 months now and lately the doctor told me that i need to stop T and i maybe will never be able to start it again ( cause of my health problems) it's hard to accept that but i try to be positive and accept it ! and telling my self at last i dont look so girly like before...i will be forever looking like that and i will never be able to grow facial hair maybe, so i'm trying to accept my self like that..
i pass 70% but i can't be confident at all ,  i tried my best but i can't , i always feel embarrassed of who i'm when i'm with people...i avoid getting into any convarsations with them! cause i'm always so afraid that they will ask me about my transition or not accepting me or laghing at me ( it always happen) or for example when family members visit us i avoid sitting with them cause i know they will start the subject and especially elders ..i always get into an embarrasing moment cause they tell me front ot my parents that i'm hated by god and a sinner and that people see me as a joke and all that things and you shouldn't reply cause i should respect elders or my parents will get mad at me!! so i can't feel confident i feel like a big fool and when peolpe start a convarsation with me i always try to be the funny guy that tell jokes and make them laugh just to make them love me and feel that i'm just an other normal guy ... i mean i act like a clown so they not asking me , i avoid having a serious convarsation and just laughing all time!! and i hate that too much cause i'm not that guy i feel like i'm acting so they will not asking me ! i hope you guys understand me! i just hope you can help me and sorry for my bad english...thank you !

[FTMax]

I would get a second opinion from a different doctor.

I've also never had anybody ask me about my transition without me bringing it up first. Perhaps it's different in your culture but at least here it's kind of regarded as a medical thing and medical stuff is generally considered private.

[Ryuichi13]

I agree with the "getting a second opinion."  Maybe there's a way you can be on a low dose of T.  The changes will be slower, but they'll still happen.

What many cis people don't seem to understand is that we were made this way.  I'm not going to get religious here, but none of us asked to be born transgender.  We have been around ever since people have, its just that medical science has made it possible to actually LOOK male as well as act male.

Its sad that you feel you have to "play the part of a clown" in order to feel loved. 

And if you don't want to talk about your transitioning/problems related to it, simply don't.  Change the subject or walk away.

Good luck, I hope you get your confidence back!

Ryuichi

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[David27]

I would get a second opinion or doctor if possible.

I faced a similar dilemma around 6 months. I have issues with high potassium levels. I was on biweekly injections and I switched to weekly injections taking a little less than half of the biweekly dose per week. When I switched over I didn't stop taking T and asked my doctor if I could lower my dose (I had a appt near when I switched though, so she was able to test my levels within a week or so of changing the dose). The only downside to this approach is running out of meds due to hub loss though.

Also maybe topical application could work better.