I've been reading the posts on this site for long enough... I think it's time that I finally come out and introduce myself.
My name is Erika. It still feels kind of strange to say that, and to see it in print, but strange in a good way. I was born male, am 37 years old and live in San Francisco with my wife and two young children. When I really think about it, I realize that I've been questioning my gender identity for decades. But I've unfortunately not been armed with the knowledge or willingness to understand any of that until recently.
Over the years, I went through a number of secretive bouts with cross-dressing. Each bout would end the same way, with something eventually triggering me to purge all of my female clothing and to tell myself that I would never return to that "hobby." For example, I can still vividly recall carrying a giant trash bag of clothing out to the curb as I was preparing to move in with my then-fiancee (now wife), convinced that I would never feel the need to do that again. At around that same time, I remember that my doctor actually had gender identity questions on his list of standard questions. I was asked point blank: "have you ever questioned your assigned gender?" I recall gulping, my heart beating fast, and quickly snapping back, "of course not." How I lied to myself. I really thought that my purge had cured me.
Now that I read up on other people's stories, it sounds like many transwomen have experienced similar purges through their lives before something finally throws them over the edge. I don't really know what it was specifically that triggered me, or if it was anything specific, but the dysphoria reached a fever pitch this year. Sometime around April, I felt the need to wade into another bout with cross-dressing. I clearly wasn't "cured" because I could not stop myself... it was something I had to do. And when I did for the first time, I broke down and cried when I looked in the mirror, realizing that I was looking at the real me. At around the same time, my productivity at work took a nosedive. It became impossible to sleep, to work, to be in a good mood. When I was back to presenting as a male, I became miserable. The only time I felt like myself was when I was dressed. I started spending my time at work drawn to youtube videos of transwomen discussing their stories, how they knew they were trans, etc. I finally came across a video by Dara Hoffman-Fox called "How do I know if I'm transgender?" She explained that the very fact that you're asking that question shows that you're not on the gender binary that you were assigned at birth, and that you should speak to a gender therapist. I had no idea that such a thing as a gender therapist existed, but a light bulb went off, and I sought help.
I've been in therapy since May, and I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am trans. Of course, there's much more to that story than the cross-dressing I mentioned above. I think of all the time I spent as a child, sure that if I laid down on the floor and stared up at the ceiling hard enough, maybe I could will myself into becoming a girl. Or the fantasies I had about being kidnapped along with another girl at school, and that the kidnapper (for whatever inexplicable reason) would make us swap genders. Or my lifelong discomfort with my role as a male, whether it be socially, sexually, or whatever. The list goes on, and seems pretty obvious to me only in retrospect.
Shortly after starting therapy, I explained everything to my wife. This has been very difficult for her. She has been very supportive so far, but as she explained, she cannot be a cheerleader for journey. She has also explained that she cannot stand by me if I needed to transition, so I know that her support has its limits, and I am constantly fearful that I will accidentally cross that line at some point. I am also regularly reminded of her limits. She refuses to meet Erika – the real me. I can only be Erika in private, when neither she nor the kids are around. I see how difficult it is for her when she encounters makeup that I accidentally leave out, or when she stumbles across other evidence of Erika. She did finally agree to see a picture of me as Erika – which was a huge deal for me, and I am grateful that she took that step.
And now I feel like I'm at one of the most difficult parts of my journey. My therapist has helped me finally come to terms with being transgender. And, at this point, my dysphoria when I present as male is too intense for me to handle. For a couple of months, it helped to have a day a week that I could privately present as Erika, and I could use the energy of that day to carry me through the rest of the week. No longer. It's even hard to be happy while I am Erika because I know that there's a point that I have to stop being Erika, and return to presenting the way everyone else wants me to present. The mornings that I have to get ready for work as male are the worst, and they are especially bad if I have to wear a suit (which I often do). I'm back to the point where I can't sleep, I can't be cheerful, I can't concentrate. My work is starting to suffer. I am becoming an angry parent. I can't stand the person that I am when I'm presenting as male. That guy is not me – he is completely unbearable.
If I were single, this is the point when I would start transitioning. But I'm not single. I am happily married to a wonderful woman with whom I have an amazing family. I don't want to lose her. She is everything to me. I am scared that I will ultimately have to choose between transition or marriage, which feels like someone is asking me whether I'd rather have my arms or my legs severed. I don't know where this journey will end, but that's the untenable point of tension where I find myself at the moment.
I'm not the kind of person who usually posts such personal details online. But it feels good to finally come out and introduce myself to a community that has given me much strength over the past few months. Maybe someone will randomly stumble across my story, and it will resonate with them, much in the way that many of the stories I've read online recently have helped me come to terms with my own struggle.
But in the meantime, I'm ready to be Erika, and I guess I just wanted to say 'hi' as her for the first time ever.
