If husband transitions to female, who leads when you go ballroom dancing?

[Raell]

I posted this question before, but the answers-that we take turns leading, keep the same roles, or switch leading roles according to dance, didn't quite solve the problem, since my ex and I both came out as transgender nonbinary since our divorce in 2010, thus somewhat switching gender roles.

My ex just asked me this question again. He/she seems confident we'll get back together and return to our ballroom/jitterbug dancing ways, but doesn't know how it will work, role-wise.

For us, in the unlikely event we actually get back together (as I've mentioned before, my ex was treacherous in the past), it is a bit tricky. Since we were married, not only has my ex come out as nonbinary female, but I also realized I'm a nonbinary partial transmale, and I now live androgynously.

He/she is still living as a male, but has started seeing a gender counselor at the VA, preparing for transition, but says he/she wants to wear female clothing, although identifying as "other."

When my ex and I used to dance, since he/she is 6' 1" and incredibly strong, and I'm a petite 5'3" female-bodied person, he/she was the one who did lifts, had a great lead, etc. and I was the one who wore ballroom gowns I'd designed and made, with skirts that flared whenever I whirled around or did spins. However, now my ex wants to wear gowns as well.

In a separate question, I also asked how two people dressed in skirts can whirl together on the dance floor, and several people on this forum assured me it is possible.

I still don't know how I'd dress while dancing, or what role I'd want IF we were to get back together, so I'm trying to gather information on how other couples have solved this problem.

But it's a long shot because:

1. Couples where both have recently come out as transgender, are rare.

2. couples who go ballroom dancing together are rare (especially at our age..64 yrs old).

3. People who are nonbinary are more rare on this forum.

I'm ok with wearing female clothes sometimes, depending on the situation, but usualy default to androgynous clothing. Not sure what role I'd assume as dancing pair. I only know the woman's role, but I could learn to do the male side.

But, even so, with me being a tiny, petite female shape, it seems like my ability to lead would be limited.

[Dena]

The person who leads when dancing is mutually agreed upon. I have heard of CIS women leading when dancing. It's also possible you could switch off in mid dance. Dance routines are not fixed routines and the couple who stands out on the dance floor is the couple that has added their own twist to the performance. 

[KathyLauren]

I seriously doubt that there is any standard way of doing this.  Just agree on what roles you want.

My wife and I do Scottish country dancing.  Not the same thing, I know.  It's more like contra dancing.  I am going to have to learn the women's parts.  But it is common for women to dance the men's parts if there are not enough men on the floor (less common the other way, but it happens), so one has to be fluent in both.  As a rule, you don't dance with your spouse anyway.

[elkie-t]

Time to learn to line dance?


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[Julia1996]

Leads? Leads what?

Julia

[Dena]

When close dancing, the person leading uses pressure with their hand on their partners back to indicate the direction of movement. That's how they avoid stepping on each others feet and avoid the appearance of somebody dragging their partner around the dance floor. I haven't done any of the more advance open dances but I would imagine that through the leaders movements and gestures they are able signal the desired moves.

[Julia1996]

When close dancing, the person leading uses pressure with their hand on their partners back to indicate the direction of movement. That's how they avoid stepping on each others feet and avoid the appearance of somebody dragging their partner around the dance floor. I haven't done any of the more advance open dances but I would imagine that through the leaders movements and gestures they are able signal the desired moves.

Oh ok. I've never done any dancing like that.
Julia

[BlueJaye]

Coin toss.

[Dena]

There are two truly great dancers that will help you understand the process of leading. Fred Astaire is truly the master of smooth close dancing where as Gene Kelly is the master of physical and more spaced out dancing. Both were in hollywood at the same times and respected each others style but didn't copy from the other. Fred Astaire was known to instruct partners in dancing so they could work better with Gene Kelly.    

Cyd Charisse who was a partner to both was married and her husband could always tell who she had been dancing with that day as she would be black and blue with Gene Kelly and have no marks with Fred Astaire. You might want to watch some of their movies to appreciate dancing where everybody isn't doing their own thing.

[Raell]

My ex and I were jitterbug/ballroom dancers who went dancing most weekends, could throw each other like they do in 50s movies, do lifts, people would clap for us when we danced, etc. But we also went to outdoor clogging square dances at the national parks near when we lived in eastern KY, and contra dances in town, but those didn't involve as much "leading" issues, although if I choose to take a male role I'll have to learn how to do it.

My two ballroom dance partners before my ex were far more skilled than either of us, though, and such experts at leading I could turn my brain off and let them put me through the paces..throw me out, spin me in, dip me, etc. do whatever, and my brain was in "park." People routinely cleared the floor for us, cheering us on. The guy just before my ex could improvise dance to any beat and we'd even take over Latino dance club floors.

My ex was clueless, however, and we had to practice together and memorize sets of moves, often from youtube dance instruction videos. It would be simpler if I could lead anyway, since I dance instinctively and creatively to any beat, but my tiny size and my ex's huge size is the challenge. If he/she could turn his/her mind off and be responsive to my slightest touch, maybe, but no way I could do dips and throws.

I still don't know how I would present in such a hypothetical situation anyway. I haven't voluntarily worn skirts or dresses since I moved to Thailand.

[JoanneB]

Taking a que from Ginger Rogers.... Between you two which is better at doing the moves backwards while wearing high heels?

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, except backwards and in high heels.

[Sophia Sage]

Don't think of who's on lead as something that's inherently gendered.  Rather, who's better at it -- as far as the dance is concerned?

From what you've said, it sounds like your ex would still be the best one to lead, regardless of what either of you are wearing. 

[Denise]

I may be totally wrong on this, please don't hate me...

My wife and I used to dance a few times a week.  I lead but was not very good at it.  In my experience I think if there is a large height difference, in a closed box dance (foxtrot, rumba, Cha Cha...) the taller person would find it easier to lead than follow.  For open dances (swing for example) it wouldn't make a difference do you could ignore gender completely.  Go with height and style of dance.


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