Feeling scared about idea that I might finally transition now

[Liv_J]

Hi

All my life I wanted to transition MTF, but I've put it off for one reason or another - my life's not been that settled and easy, for one thing, and I was kind of waiting for a time when I felt more stable and together I guess (I also had lots of phrases, gender-wise, such as seeing if I could be happy just cross-dressing or identifying as non-binary and androgynous; also I had fears about whether I could pass well enough) - but now I decided I am going to, and am planning to talk to my doctor about it, I partly feel a sense of relief and anticipation about it, but also I feel quite scared about it. I don't want though, for the feeling scared aspect to put me off getting on with it, because I don't want to get any older and still not have done anything to resolve this and be regretting it (I'm in my 40s).

I think it's partly also that I know some of my family are quite transphobic and won't accept it easily, but then I live on my own and I should live my life for me not for what anyone else thinks. Part of me is saying 'if you were really a woman you would just feel joyful and sure about it' but at the same time I think that's just a stereotype I have in my head, and it's normal to have some fears cos it's kind of a big thing.

Anyone want to comment about how you felt at the early stage? Basically I have told a few close friends it's what I want, and I wrote a letter to my generalist doctor. But that's all I've done right now.

[Jessica]

I do understand how you feel .  I felt scared too.  I've started my transition just a few months ago and I've begun to feel better about it all.  I'm 61 and luckily am retired and my wife is knowing and understanding.  Just know that society has changed dramatically and transgender is much more accepted.  Of course not entirely, but if you avoid confrontation and hang with your friends, you'll be much happier!
Hugs, Jessica

[Harley Quinn]

That's wonderful. A great first step. I was in a similar situation. What I found is that life got less stressful "finding the right time" and went a lot smoother than I expected once I pulled the trigger and started transition. Congratulations on getting started.

[Liv_J]

Thanks  That's encouraging. Well, that 'perfect time' never did come along really, but I'm not really in too bad a situation right now as regards my general security and stability goes (whether in my finances or my general life situation and relationships with friends and family) or at least it's as good as it's going to get, I think, so... I really need to get over the fear aspect and keep moving along.

Another thing I have been doing is seeing about hair solutions that might work for me, as I suffer a lot of baldness. That's also put me off a little in the past, I think, but I think you need to get on and make the best of things. Yes, it would have been better to do it in my 20s, but I didn't, so there's no point beating myself up about that. Also, I feel a bit more confident that I can still pass OK after I spent two days in a female mode on holiday with friends recently, and a cis lesbian friend said I passed well and came across as feminine and classy :-) And I thought, well if she thought that, and I've not taken any hormones or anything, well, I guess there's hope for me. The thing that bothered me most was if people could see my beard hair - I have never found anything that covers it in a way that satisfies me, but I was out in a city during the day, and I didn't feel like people were especially looking at me, so I guess it was probably not as bad as I thought (and obviously that aspect can be sorted out with laser and hormones etc).

Harley, when you said "What I found is that life got less stressful "finding the right time"", did you mean you also waited to try to find a time in your life when things were generally a bit less stressful, or that things got less stressful once you got on with your transition?

[RavenMoon]

It's funny. I've been trans since I was about 4. All my life I wished I could get a "sex change," as they called it back in the day.

After I got divorced in 2010, I decided now's the time! Only problem was I was mostly out of work, and any money I had saved was gone after the divorce. Things have been an ordeal since then, with me ending up homeless.

Fast forward to now. I'll be 60 in November. I'm working and have a place to live. I've met someone who besides being my musical partner has become my best friend.

She inherited money, and offered to help with my transition! I'd be starting with FFS.

At first I was ecstatic. But now I've become very apprehensive. Is this what I really want? I'm pretty sure it is.

But now I'm so confused. It doesn't help that I've developed very strong feelings for my friend.

I'll just take it one day at a time.

Maybe this is normal?


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[Liv_J]

<3 Good luck with your own journey. I guess it's 'normal' then :-/  I guess most people don't take such a big step with so many repercussions without having at least some fears about it, even if it's something we 'always wanted'. I never really felt like a boy and always identified more with girls, but didn't actually know you could so-called 'change sex' until I was about 12 or something, I guess. But in those days it seemed such a rare thing that was hardly mentioned and if it was, in a sensationalised way, but it has been in my mind since then. At least things have moved on a bit these days, which does help

[HappyMoni]

Hi Liv,
   The only perfect time to transition is when you die. Absolutely no pressure then. So, the second best time is when you make the decision to do so. If you are committed, it is really not just a decision to transition but it is a decision to face life long fears. It will be a roller coaster of highs and lows. Know that from the start. Also know that you will be amazed at what you can do if you don't let fear stop you.  I like the climbing the mountain metaphor. If the mountain is transition, you don't climb it with one step. It is a lot of little steps that get you there mentally and physically. Set your sights on a spot a little ways up. Push yourself a little but be realistic and allow yourself a break when you need it. I was outwardly a guy two years ago. Today I am living as the woman I am. I had to face a lot of fears to get here. Find support! I could not have done this  without help from my supporters. Many on this website helped keep my sanity. There are awkward times. You mentioned your beard. Everyone goes through awkward times. Don't let you be stopped by these. It is like a rite of passage that gets better with time. I mention myself as being on the other side of transition. I will tell you, I am so much happier. All the stuff I went through is worth the result. So, be hopeful and above all stay positive as much as you can. Good luck.
Moni

[Liv_J]

Thanks Moni <3 Glad I came on this forum today :-)  (you made me smile about the perfect time being when you die... that does put things in perspective a bit)

[KathyLauren]

Good for you for getting clarity on what you want!  I don't know anyone who did not have fears and doubts along the way.  But if you know what you want, you can just push on through them.

[sherie157]

Hi Liv,

I took it one little step at a time. I described it my therapist as jumping from one rock to another across a stream, without ever making a commitment that I would push all the way through to the other side.  Just exploring or playing. Just jump to the next rock, pause, and consider if I wanted to jump to the next.

I started with hair removal - laser & electrolysis.  As I followed this course, I found I liked the results, and had no regrets.  So kept going.

Then I played with injections.  I gradually plumped my cheeks and lips and lessened my labo-nasal folds.  Again, no regrets - I liked what I saw. I looked younger,  And more androgynous.

Another stone to jump to was eyebrow grooming.  Not all at once - just few hairs a each plucking session.  Still no regrets.

Then anti-androgens.  For me, a few years of dutesteride had the effect of creating "man boobs".  This is an unfortunate side effect for real men, but I was delighted.

And so on.

Now I'm taking aggressive anti-androgens & estrogen.  Changes are happening to my breasts.  Still no regrets.

I might stop here, I might discontinue hormones, or I may next pursue surgeries (FFS, top, bottom, i that order).  But I have not committed to doing so.  I think its likely, but I don't feel any pressure.

One tiny step at a time did the trick for me without freaking me out.

Hope this helps,
Sherie

[Lady Sarah]

For me, there was no "perfect time". I was 25, and looked 15. I was lucky to rent a room at a cheap hotel. I had only one friend, and did not know my biological family at the time. Yet, transitioning saved my life in more ways than one.
There are many that had life harder than me, and many that had things much easier. Count your blessings as well as your smites,  and know that a choice such as transitioning will change your life forever. I am glad I made that choice for myself.

[Liv_J]

Thanks for the support. Well I guess I have already taken "little steps" along the way. For example I've had a fair bit of laser on body hair and the rest I generally wax or shave, and now I don't like it very much when some regrows. I pluck my eyebrows, I have pierced ears, and I mostly wear women's clothes and shoes, just in androgynous styles that aren't so noticeable. I am dieting to try to get to a weight I am happier with. I also learned how to sing alto instead of tenor and found I'm good at it, and my voice sounds pretty much like a female alto and not typically countertenor  (it helps that my teacher is a mezzo and I copy her), and I did some sessions with a speech therapist to make my speaking voice subtly more androgynous. The next thing would be to start hormones. I think I would have done it before, if I hadn't had one particular really traumatic thing that happened to me in my life which shook my confidence in myself for a long time.

[Pisces228]

Look, here's the deal......if you start to transition and it doesnt feel right, you can stop.  It's ok either way you go. 

[stephaniec]

Ditto

[abby535]

I repressed and denied the female in me for a good quarter century. Admitting it to myself was scary. Confessing to another person was even scarier. Now I've got a few therapy sessions behind me and am seeking an endo - none of which are as bad as I thought they would be. I'm actually still terrified of transitioning but in my mind I've already started the ball rolling and piece by piece I'm putting the masculine disguise away [emoji23]


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[Jacqueline]

Hi Liv_J,

Welcome to the site. Glad you're hear and asking questions and responding.

When's the best time? Now. When is the worst time always. There is no good time. It's like waiting to have kids till your lives aren't as complex, or you have more money. I seems to really come down to do you have to and are you ready to? It doesn't have to be fast. You can take your time. Although if you are presenting androgynously already just jump in. The water is whatever you don't expect. Both a comfort and unexpected.

How did I feel early on? Panic, fear, anxiety, denial, grief... then joy, happiness, confusion, pubescent, fear, doubt, panic denial, grief....See where this is going? Every step is similar. It is a long road of ups and downs like Moni said. The big difference for me was before I could not feel. Now I can and cry too.

Okay, on to more business.

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Jacqui

[Liv_J]

Thanks :-)