Warning! Basically my whole life story is ahead!!Hi, Im Colleen! Im 18 years old(publicaly identify as a guy) and am very very confused. Idk if I have Gender Dysphoria or something else entirely. Ok so the first memory I have of wanting to be a girl was when I was in Pre-K, so about 4-5, I had a dream where I became a girl and was beautiful. I though it was a great dream so I told me Mom about the dream(I always told my Mom about my dreams) and she told me to not think like that and not to tell anyone. So from there on I tried to make myself more manily, I trained Brazilian JiuJitsu, made my voice deeper than it really was, and constantly boasted about how strong I was. Then propably around 6th to 7th grade I discovered transexual porn, which I was facinated by. After finding out I started to get those thoughts of wanting to be a girl again because now I saw it was a possibilty, but then I repressed them again. Idk if this has to do with anything but in 8th grade I started to experence anxiety, I pushed family and not so close friend away because I felt they all hated me, which they propably didnt, leaving me with only 4 guy friends. In 9th grade is when pubirty hit hard I felt depressed, hated, and alone 24/7 and pushed the last of my friends away. I hated the way my body was growing, my leg and arm hair, my shoulders where getting broad, hair around my nipples, and I hated my facial hair, it was just a bax time. That all went on for a while and almost no thought of being a girl until my senior year in HS. I met a trans girl there and I was really envious and want to be like her but then I repressed it again and distanced myself from her. But at the start of the summer I thought about it and decided to think about it some more until that basically became all I though about this summer. Ive read more articals about transitioning online than I have about anything ever. Ive also acted upon these thougts more to(I tried my Moms underwear on when I was in 6th grade) I shaved my legs and arms and brought lipstick and I loved it!! Now the thing is idk if its Gender Dysphoria or something else but even if I do want to transition idk if I can. I only have $2000 and nothing else, idk how my family would take this or if they would support me, and my biggest problem is not being able to pass. My Dad has made countless jokes about trans and homosexual people but Idk if hes just joking around or really hates them, and my Mom will basically agree with him no matter what, and Ive always have been concerened about how I look Ive constantly told myself during pubirty that I was the ugliest person in the world, but now I think Im pretty attractive, or atleast ive been told so, and dont want to torture myself like how I use to.
So basically I have 1001 thoughts floating in my head and have no idea what to do! Please help!!
Sorry if this was jumbled or confusing at all, I was kind of ranting while writing this haha
