Blamed for my Dad's suicide

[Tommie_9]

Apologies for the length of this post, but I'm really hurting, have a story to tell, and most of all I need some shoulders to cry on. This has been my worst day yet since coming out to certain family members I felt I could trust. It turns out I made the right call on all but one of them - my youngest brother. My Dad committed suicide a week ago today. In addition to the new note he left lying beside himself, we found a suicide note in his things written on old note paper dated February 11, 1993. He held on to it for some reason all these years. His funeral was Thursday.

My very intoxicated brother woke me up with a phone call at 4:30 am this morning, being rude to my wife who answered the phone, to blame me for Dad's suicide because I'm transgender. I never came out to Dad about being transgender, but my brother had recently told Dad that people were talking about whether or not I was gay, because I wear pierced earrings in both ears all the time and "dress younger than my age", whatever that means. I'm only 59 and very young at heart, so what's the deal with that? Ignorance has an ugly underbelly called bigotry, right? My brother told me in the same phone call that Dad said that if I was gay he couldn't handle it. When I spent the day with my Dad on Father's Day he asked me if I was gay. Wow! That was surprising. My brother had put this idea into his head. I told the truth and said, no. He knew how I felt about sexual orientation and that my wife and I had gay and lesbian friends. Dad of course believed his oldest son, me, and actually said he thought my earrings were pretty cool. I presented no other superficial female signs to my Dad ever. He was 81, lived alone, fragile emotionally, and I was planning to never "come out" to him at his age.

I'm so thankful my three other siblings, nieces and nephews are expressing their sincere love and support. I'm blessed in that respect, as I know from reading forums a lot of my MTF sisters have been disowned by family, spouses and their adult children. We don't have children. Young people still living at home don't have an option of silence unless they're coping by being as stealthy as possible - which we all know is emotional hell and eventually won't work. I can't imagine what they go through. Sadly, too many transgender people take my Dad's route to end their pain. I know this won't be the last interpersonal trauma I suffer as transgender, but life must go on.

[KathyLauren]

Tommie, I am very sorry to hear about your dad's suicide, but I am angry about your youngest brother.  Your dad's death is a tragedy, but your brother was malicious.  Even making allowances for him in that he is surely hurting too, there is no excuse for putting the blame on you.

I don't have any answers for you.  No doubt you will come up with a plan for how you want to relate to your brother in the future.  But I can at least offer you a virtual hug: (((())))

[Laurie]

Hi Tommie,

   I am so sorry you had to experience the misdirected blame of your brother.  I can see in what you write, that you were nothing if not conscious of your Dad's feelings and in no way responsible for his death. It also sounds as though your Dad took you at your word for answer to his question. I submit your brothers accusations are a deflection of his own inability to accept you for who you are. You may know or may not know that I am one of those that deal with similar rejection of by a family member. I've made no secret of it as it has been difficult for me to deal with. It HURTS! Make no mistake about that. But one thing you must understand is that their rejection is none of your doing. Please do not let your brother bring you down. Believe me when I say I know it is easier said than done. Talking about it can help. If you have a therapist or trusted friend make use of them to let out your pain. They can listen if nothing else.

  If you haven't an understanding ear nearby you can contact me via PM or through instant messaging on facebook if you are not yet able to PM, use the facebook link in my profile. Misery loves company they say so we should be okay talking.

  Sorry for your loss and your problems with your brother.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Bari Jo]

A very sad tail, but this is not your fault.  You were doing everything needed to spare your father pain.  Seeing this happen reminds me how in every family there is always one sibling that likes to cause trouble for the rest of the family.  That's your younger brother.  I had an older sister that was the same way.  hugs from the west coast.  Hang in there.

[HoneyStrums]

Suicide is a persons choice.
Those left behind might not like it but it is still a choice. And as with all choices a person makes it is they who are ultimately responsible for those choices.

Often those left behind have no knowledge of why people make these choices and cannot understand why they have made this choice, and in the absence of understanding make up a narrative/explanation they can understand. Doing this doesn't make it real, although it does make experiencing loss in this way more acceptable to them.

You have no power over the actions of another.
That includes your farther
And you brother both.

My heart goes out to you and your family, and I hope in time your brother can come to terms with the truth of what has happened.

Hugs.

[Dena]

Any death is painful and causes self reflection. I suspect in your brothers case he isn't taking it well and partly blames himself for something he did or didn't do. Instead of facing up  to it, he is attempting to push the blame off on somebody else.

My mother took care of my grandmother for many years as one of my aunts had medical problems and the other attempted to do it for a few weeks but wasn't able to get along with her. My grandmother was a regular visitor to the hospital to deal with medical issues that occurred. On the last visit my mom didn't think anything of it as it was just like any other visit and they were ready to release my grandmother the following day. My mother was visiting and my grandmother closed her eyes for a nap  never waking up.

My aunt was very upset with my mother for not informing her that my grandmother was about to die. In this case, my aunt hadn't been interested in previous hospital visits and my mother had no idea my grandmother was about to die. It just happened and my mother did nothing wrong but she still received the blame.

If your father had multiple notes, this is something that has been on his mind for a very long time. Possibly your brother saw some of the signs but didn't act on them. He may feel responsible for not getting your father into therapy or not spending enough time for him. Your brother may need grief consoling but at this point, he will need to be the one to seek therapy and there is little you can do to help.

[Shellie Hart]

This brings back so many bad memories for me because my father played a horrible head game with me for years. I never told him the truth about me. But I did try to grow my hair long and do things that he couldn't grasp. His favorite phrase was, "I'm not going to be around if you keep growing your hair out." It was a very sick thing for a father to say to a teenage son, but he also had other threatening phrases to use against me. He was also fragile emotionally. He never followed through with his crazy threat, but I know I would have gotten the blame if he did because I fought him about my hair and appearance my whole youth. I also tried to dress my own way, but I was a "sissy" to him and he let me know what he thought, thinking I would change. He despised my girly look but he had no clue how to "fight" me. He died from cancer years after I left home. Sad for me to admit, but I felt relief. Now I have a deranged sister (severely bi-polar) who acts in similar ways toward me. Luckily I only have to see her once a year at most.

My home life was hell. I feel for you. But the reality is, there is nothing you can do about the opinions of others. The more you argue the worse it can get. Been there. Done that. Just bear through...

[Tommie_9]

Thank you all for your kind words. Love you.

[Sam79]

So sorry to hear about this Tommie, wishing you all the best. Big hug too. xx

Sent from my HTC 10 using Tapatalk