It's been about a week since I posted a blog entry in here, so I guess it's time.
----
This coming Thursday will effectively mark the end of summer for me. Even though summer officially ends around September 22nd- and there may be warm weather beyond that- August 13th is when my summer ends. The last summer term in college ends on that day, and that is the day when I have to go back to my dad's house and spend what I'm anticipating will be an awful two or three weeks there.
I feel that being at school allows me to spread my wings and be truer to who I really am while being at home places endless restrictions on me- mostly for no other reason than my outspoken nature causes personality conflicts. During this summer, I think I may have discovered my inner activist. I was simply fed up a few things at college and after speaking with a number of people who are apparently in a position of power to make a change, no change came about. So now I'm going to do it myself. I'm actually afraid that I will lose my motivation to make any sort of real change in the weeks while I'm at my father's house. I'm afraid that being there will turn me back into the sedentary being I once was.
This, of course, infers the notion that I am not in control of what happens to me in that place. If I look at all the conditions objectively, I can only say that this is true. Living with a large group of people means that I am less of an individual than I was before. I tend to consider the feelings of others in my activities (such as playing PS2 at three in the morning), and this places limits on my lifestyle. In point of fact, going back to my father's house means I can no longer express myself as the individual I know am. Instead, I anticipate putting up barriers once again. The only solution I can find is to spend as much time away from there as I can.
The summer of 2009 has had mixed results for me. I discovered a lot about myself, I have done well in my classes, but there have also been a number of things here at college that have irritated me. This university simply does not care as much for the students taking summer classes as they do for the students taking fall or spring classes. The demand is less, so the obvious conclusion is that they put less effort into it. The majority of student clubs and organizations simply don't meet during the summer. Nor does the student senate. The college views summer classes as a nice thing to do, but not the reason why they're in business. I personally feel that this attitude engenders unequal treatment. While there are a number of specific examples I could find, most of them seem to be justified by budgetary concerns. At this point, it doesn't appear worth pursuing an argument that the university treats students unequally simply because they can- although that's exactly what is going on.
If I had the choice, though, I would choose to live at this college which irritates me on occasion than live at my father's house, which I find to be irrepressibly repressive. I imagine the Bronte sisters would have a field day of fictional stories if they lived with my family for an extended period.
My transition is continuing forward. Today in counseling, I expressed a concern that I'm not like everyone else who transitions in that I don't feel this overwhelming need to do it. In other words, I could live as my birth gender (male) if I had to but that I wouldn't like it. I also brought up the feeling I get when masterbate (or try to)...which is no feeling at all. I'm not aroused by it. Oral sex doesn't do anything for me either. Simply put, I don't like my genitalia and anything that serves as a method of arousal involving this organ often achieves the opposite effect. How I differ from other male-to-female transsexuals is that I feel perfectly fine if I don't think about my transition or experience a setback or a disappointment.
Two possible reasons have occurred to me as to why this might be so. The first is that I'm simply very patient. I can be extraordinarily patient when something I want is the goal. The other reason is that I am pursuing a transition simply because it is what I chosen and that is it not a biological imperative. In other words, I could get by just fine without having to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to make myself into the woman I feel that I already am.
Whether this will increase with time, I don't know. However, I know that I do not feel any need to fill a certain role for my family. I'm single and don't have any kids. My family (such as it is) is a joke. Therefore, I am left with only the goals I wish to pursue in life. I may or may not be fortunate in that I am not a square constantly trying to fit in a circle-hole without much success. Instead, I am a free-floating shape-changing entity that doesn't even know what shape I want to be, let alone where I want to fit in. In that context, the summer has been a productive one for me as I'm getting closer to finding out who I really am.
Of course, "who I really am" precludes the idea of self-determination of personality. I'm not trying to say that I don't have a choice as to who I want to be. I'm saying that the circumstances in my life have already influenced that my development and now the only thing left is to understand what has emerged. That doesn't mean that I won't change sometime in the future- only that I have a nature for which repression is the worst possible poison. To use a metaphor, a bird is trapped in cage, then escapes only to be put back in again. In a very real way- for me- going back to my dad's house means suffering through emotional torment.
As usual, the future is my one true ally and constant hope. I have always looked to the future as being "the time when things will be better." That time has not arrived yet. I feel that I can wait a while longer to see if my hopes will come true or not. But one thing I do know: if I had opted not to take summer classes, it is quite possible that I would have given up my transition simply out of sheer apathy and frustration towards life.
