What can I do

[Alej]

Hello everyone, sorry for my bad english, I'm not mothertongue.
I want an advice for my situation but first it's necessary to know my story. Since I was a child I was reserved, I acted like my parents wanted and I didn't want ti stay with my friends because I hated humans and the fact that I was one of them. At the age of 9/10 I started to suffer for my condition and during the middle school I bullied some people in my class but no one know about that ( only my psychologist know it). I knew that it was wrong but I hated my classmates: boys because I wanted to be like them and girls because I was like them. So I continued until 15 y/o. I also tried to have a boyfriend but he treated me as a girl so I left him. After I finally be able to stop bulling people and I decided to isolate me from the rest of the class. I was pretty bad at school so my parents decided to bring me to a psychologist; a few times she literally cried for my condition, 《I've never seen a suffering person like you》she said, but it's difficult to me to realize when I'm suffering because I settle into it.Thanks to her now I'm "normal" with other people but I've difficulties with relationships in particular with boyfriends/girlfriends because I don't have feelings. My psychologist talk me about transition but I don't want to do it for some reasons. She said to me that if I don't do it, in a few years I'll probably return at the same situation of years ago because I'll not able to contain my feelings.
Is anyone else in the same situation? What should I do?
Thanks

[elkie-t]

Try to present as a guy without transitioning? Maybe a butch lesbian role model would suit you?


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[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The answer to what should you do is explore with your therapist the reason why you don't want to transition. The transition isn't right for everybody but the decision requires fully understanding the reason for transitioning or remaining the same. In my case, I knew that life was unbearable as a male and my only option was to transition. In your case, it could be fear, family obligations or something else that's holding you back. It may be a very real reason but unless you are absolutely sure about your decision, you will be facing it again in the future. Good luck in your quest.

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