Emotional responses to harassment

[OU812]

I've experienced extensive harassment, stalking, and assault all throughout my life. At times over a dozen per day. And mind you, I pass quite well. Emotionally, it's poison. What else do you want me to say? You handle it the best way you can. That means giving yourself the highest quality of life possible.

Physically? I have double-locked doors. I use multiple aliases. I don't answer my phone. I carry a gun if I leave the house (and not some crappy 6+1 magazine - what good is that if 8+ men chase me again?)

You avoid being the victim and make yourself into the aggressor if you really want some kind of stability or sense of being after this sort of thing. Powerlessness stacking upon itself is the stuff legendary villains are made of. You do what you can to preserve your sanity and what's best in your character.

[DawnOday]

Breath deep and unload the can of pepper spray. Don't leave home without it. One thing I have learned the last few years is you are wasting your breath arguing with a  red neck. They still elected Trump.

[HappyMoni]

Among my first posts here only about a month ago, I wrote about how I consider Rachel, Moni, Laurie, and so many others here to be rockstar superheroes, and myself just a groupie. That's why I was so blown away when I looked back to the first post in this thread and saw that the insecure person who started it was none other than Moni herself! I am now where she was back then, and look how far she's come and how much she's grown, and in only a little over a year and a half!

I joined this group only knowing you all when you were well on your way, and wondered at your strength. I know now that almost every one of us starts out with the same fears, and it's possible to get over them.

This is why I idolize you all. It gives me so much hope that maybe I can do this, too. Thank you all for allowing those of us just getting started to draw on your strength. You're awesome.

Stephanie

Well Stepanie, I was totally joking about the hero stuff, but with your very kind post I do feel pretty super. I still battle some of those fears and worries, but somehow, with a lot of help, I have pushed through a lot of fear and made progress. You and I are not different I think. Maybe I am just a little further along at this point. (Now Laurie, yeah, she's different, but lovable.  Don't get me started on Rachel. lol) If you are determined and stay positive I suspect you will be an example to others if you aren't already. This is a great place to learn from others and offer up what you have learned that might help someone else. There are a lot of folks who helped me. (I'm not saying who unless they pay me lots of money. lol) Well, I do wish all those who are struggling luck and hope for good things for them. Thank you Steph for the kind words. See you on the boards.
Moni
PS I am lucky to still not have experienced the real nasty stuff from people.

[FinallyMichelle]

Moni,

Hopefully it never happens to you. It shouldn't from what I can tell of the photos you have had as avatar.

I don't know really, most comments just don't have any force behind them and are easy to ignore. The rest are easy to walk away from for the most part, and that is probably the best response. Physical assault is much harder to recover from. Not healing the outside but the fear inside. Personally, I didn't go anywhere but to work until the swelling and eventually bruising faded, over 2 months. I gave my roomie money and she took care of all the groceries and even put gas in my car. We will never be super close, just too different, but she is so solid and our friendship has lasted 30 years and will probably last another 30. It was still hard to go out after the bruises were gone, took everything I had almost. Altogether I stayed isolated for around 6 months. When I did finally get back into normal routine something strange had happened, I was invisible. No one gave me a second look or any attention at all. That did more to get rid of the fear than anything. Me getting attacked was just terrible luck. Drunk sister-in-law said the wrong thing at the wrong time where some very drunk men could hear. I hope that it doesn't happen to many of us.

I think you will be fine. 😊 It's hard not to worry but... I would bet no one says a thing.

Michelle

[HappyMoni]

Moni,

Hopefully it never happens to you. It shouldn't from what I can tell of the photos you have had as avatar.

I don't know really, most comments just don't have any force behind them and are easy to ignore. The rest are easy to walk away from for the most part, and that is probably the best response. Physical assault is much harder to recover from. Not healing the outside but the fear inside. Personally, I didn't go anywhere but to work until the swelling and eventually bruising faded, over 2 months. I gave my roomie money and she took care of all the groceries and even put gas in my car. We will never be super close, just too different, but she is so solid and our friendship has lasted 30 years and will probably last another 30. It was still hard to go out after the bruises were gone, took everything I had almost. Altogether I stayed isolated for around 6 months. When I did finally get back into normal routine something strange had happened, I was invisible. No one gave me a second look or any attention at all. That did more to get rid of the fear than anything. Me getting attacked was just terrible luck. Drunk sister-in-law said the wrong thing at the wrong time where some very drunk men could hear. I hope that it doesn't happen to many of us.

I think you will be fine. 😊 It's hard not to worry but... I would bet no one says a thing.

Michelle

Oh Michelle, that is terrible that that happened to you. I'm sorry. Hope you don't mind me asking, was it in a bar type setting? You mention a lot of drunk folks. I tend to think that the settings we are involved in have a big effect on the chances for something like that to happen . Race is also a big factor I think. Location as well, age and relationship status too. Thank you so much for sharing that and I wish you only the best.
Moni

[Jessica Lynne]

I get the occasional chortle and s->-bleeped-<-. I ignore it. I have to imagine that annoys more than any other single thing I can do. As the Brit's say, takes the piss out of it for em'. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, your opinion of me is none of my business.

[FinallyMichelle]

Thanks Moni.

It was at a sports bar. My birthday 2 years ago at my brother's house. My sister and sister-in-law were arguing and it got to be too much so I was going home, but they suggested that we go out instead. Big mistake it turns out. Everything was fine but then 1 accidental "he" overheard by the wrong people. I don't go out as a rule, so no loss.

I never even gave a thought that I had to be afraid. I guess that it was a good learning experience, some people will not be reasoned with. The hatred some people have for us is only barely contained and given a chance they will lash out. Everyone says it shouldn't matter if you pass but it does to me. I still worry about it, actually worry about it more now. People staring at me scares me more that it should and I have been getting stared at a lot lately.

You are going to be fine. 😊 Take care.
Michelle

[Jin]

I developed thick skin when very young. Then the issue was my weight, now it is my clothing. Big Whoop. If someone says something negative, I ignore them. If someone hits me, I hit back, - harder. Then walk away.

But I gotta say, almost everyone is either positive or neutral. I dress this way for me, not for them.

[Wild Flower]

I wasn't always like this... but I honestly don't care what people think about me. I'm not hurting anyone, so just mind your own business. On the same token, I don't care about other peoples' lives, I don't want to get involve or have an opinion, unless it's close family, but that's a little different.

It's just words, society made them to behave like them by environment. It doesn't reflect you, and if it did, they aren't paying your bills.

[HappyMoni]

I wasn't always like this... but I honestly don't care what people think about me. I'm not hurting anyone, so just mind your own business. On the same token, I don't care about other peoples' lives, I don't want to get involve or have an opinion, unless it's close family, but that's a little different.

It's just words, society made them to behave like them by environment. It doesn't reflect you, and if it did, they aren't paying your bills.

Even if someone is laughing or taunting or threatening you, you don't care? I can imagine getting less sensitive in how I react, but I can't imagine me getting publicly humiliated and just brushing it off. You have my admiration if you can.
Moni

[RobynD]

To me the within piece is pretty important. Self-talk as the result of external stimuli is something that we can control, but often it is not easy. Having dealt with so much depression in my life, I have probably developed some levels of coping that are pretty resilient.

To micro-aggressions or just plain rudeness i try a few things. I imagine that they just don't know any trans people and that their reactions are based on that lack of knowledge. My response is usually a smile and then i make sure they know i am responding to their reaction. I will not back down, but i will be safe. There is an old biblical concept that i am sure even predated that to the effect of " answer evil with kindness and it is like heaping burning coals on the person's head" Always thought that was an interesting analogy. You hope that enough encounters like that and their conscious will kick in.

The other thing i do at times is focus on the idea/thoughts that make me think "how crappy and mundane their lives must be that they can't appreciate a little diversity"

Having said all that, I rarely get negatives. Stares occasionally as someone clocks me, but I don't really consider a stare in most instances to be that aggressive.