My mind is a mess

[Qbit]

Hi everyone, first of all, I would like to clarify that English is not my first language, so maybe I will write something without much sense sometimes, sorry in advance I will try to do my best. ^^'

I don't know very well how to start, I suppose this will be one of the hundreds of "I don't know what is happening to me" that are published in these forums, but I need to tell someone, because I'm feeling very bad, and I do not know what to do.
I'm a man, but since I was little, I've never felt like one, I mean, when I was little I felt different, I did not feel like a boy. At that age (5 or 6 years) I could not understand why, I just felt different, I remember I used to fantasize about me being a girl sometimes, I also remember that I preferred to play with other girls in school, until one day my father told me that I was a boy and had to play with other boys. My father always made sure to make me understand that any feminine trait in my personality was a negative thing. In any case at that time I don't remember feeling especially bad about my gender just confused, I don't know.

When puberty came, things got worse, I began to feel bad about my body, I hated looking at myself in the mirror, I hated having a beard, I hated hair on my body, I hated my face, everything ... but I still did not understand why, I didn't Associated it with a gender dysphoria (I didn't even know what that was) or anything like that. In any case I still had recurring fantasies about me being a girl, those fantasies made me feel good and at the same time I was embarrassed to feel that way.

In short, during all my life I have managed to repress these feelings more or less, they were there and I did not understand them very well, but I could keep them in the background. Now I am 26 years old, but as I have grown older these feelings have become stronger and stronger. Since 6 years ago this is affecting me in my life, but the worst is that it comes and goes, I mean, there are times when it becomes very strong, I do not know how to explain it, it feels like I need to be a girl desperately, I can not take it off my head and it causes me a lot of anxiety, then a month or more later it starts to decrease the intensity, it is as if my brain just gave up, and I feel better, the dysphoria is still there but I can handle it and focus on Other things for months or a year, then starts again.

This time it has been very hard, I have felt worse than ever and it is causing me some depression and anxiety, I don't sleep well and don't have appetite... I know it will go away as usual, but it scares me to think about the future, if every time is Stronger, how will I feel in the future?
But what is the alternative? I do not even know if it's gender dysphoria or what, but if it is ... a transition scares me a lot, too many risks, a very difficult decision that can ruin my life forever.

Sorry for such a long text ^^'

[Laurie]

Hi Qbit

  I'm Laurie. I am MtF and I am 64. I want to say hello and welcome to Susan's Place. (hug) Come on in Qbit and make yourself comfortable. You are here among friends many of whom like you have dealt with those very feelings that you are talking about. I am one of those friends that have and it took me many more years than you to be able to look for help understanding them. Don't feel bad about not having "Gender Dysphoria" in you vocabulary. I had not heard of it until last November but once I looked into it I knew it was talking about me. Within a month I was taking HRT to become who I now knew I was. I fit the description of being transgender and I am a transgender woman.
  You are right to be careful with what you do from here. You did not say if you were seeing a therapist or not. If you are not then that is where I would recommend you start. A Gender therapist can be of great help to you and help you explore what you should do. A decision to transition is a very important decision not to be taken lightly and if you do you should do it under a physician's care so they can monitor you as you transition into the new  you.
   I want to thank you for joining us here at Susan's Place. you are wanted here, no needed here because helping you helps us. I will put some links to some good information that can help you get the most from your visit. Please take the time to explore them.

Hugs,
   Laurie

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[Charlie Nicki]

Welcome to the club. Beware, this is not an easy road. But welcome.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Qbit]

Thanks Charlie Nicki

Hi Qbit

  I'm Laurie. I am MtF and I am 64. I want to say hello and welcome to Susan's Place. (hug) Come on in Qbit and make yourself comfortable. You are here among friends many of whom like you have dealt with those very feelings that you are talking about. I am one of those friends that have and it took me many more years than you to be able to look for help understanding them. Don't feel bad about not having "Gender Dysphoria" in you vocabulary. I had not heard of it until last November but once I looked into it I knew it was talking about me. Within a month I was taking HRT to become who I now knew I was. I fit the description of being transgender and I am a transgender woman.
  You are right to be careful with what you do from here. You did not say if you were seeing a therapist or not. If you are not then that is where I would recommend you start. A Gender therapist can be of great help to you and help you explore what you should do. A decision to transition is a very important decision not to be taken lightly and if you do you should do it under a physician's care so they can monitor you as you transition into the new  you.
   I want to thank you for joining us here at Susan's Place. you are wanted here, no needed here because helping you helps us. I will put some links to some good information that can help you get the most from your visit. Please take the time to explore them.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Thanks Laurie, No, I haven't seen a therapist yet, I've been thinking a lot about going to one, but honestly it gives me a little shame to do that. In my country all this is covered by the public health system, so I would have to go to my GP and say hey I think this happens to me so that he directs me to the unit specialized in these disorders. It may be absurd but I do not feel prepared to do that yet.
And then there's my family I don't want to tell them anything for now, my father would never understand for him this would be a tragedy, a shame. My mother might understand better, but surely it would be a great disgust for her. I don't know, I'm afraid to do something, until I'm 100% completely sure of what's happening to me.

But surely I have to do something, I tried to bury these feelings many times, but I don't know how, they always find a way back, it's a nightmare.

[Laurie]

Thanks Laurie, No, I haven't seen a therapist yet, I've been thinking a lot about going to one, but honestly it gives me a little shame to do that. In my country all this is covered by the public health system, so I would have to go to my GP and say hey I think this happens to me so that he directs me to the unit specialized in these disorders. It may be absurd but I do not feel prepared to do that yet.
And then there's my family I don't want to tell them anything for now, my father would never understand for him this would be a tragedy, a shame. My mother might understand better, but surely it would be a great disgust for her. I don't know, I'm afraid to do something, until I'm 100% completely sure of what's happening to me.

But surely I have to do something, I tried to bury these feelings many times, but I don't know how, they always find a way back, it's a nightmare.

Hi Qbit,

  I can understand your reluctance to let others know of your feelings. It took me 64 years to come to grips with mine and begin to act on what I now knew I had to do. I was "in the closet" with everyone except my immediate family, Or so I thought.  How we can delude ourselves. Anyway it took me that long to get up the courage to tell my GP and ask for help. It then took a bit more time to begin coming out to others. I had to first accept the fact that I needed help and then to get the courage to ask for it. I do understand your problem in doing this as do almost everyone here on the site.  You will come to the point i did eventually where not doing something outweighs the fear of doing it. Then you will truly begin your own journey. It will not be easy but the time will come and if you need support Qbit, we will be here for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[V M]

Hi Qbit 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Kendra]

Hello and welcome to Susan's!

I am MTF in the US, near Seattle. 

No need to apologize for a long text, in fact that is better.  I can relate to what you are going through - my first posts were difficult to write.  And then I discovered so many people here have similar experiences.   

> ...a transition scares me a lot, too many risks, a very difficult decision that can ruin my life forever.

Based on what you have described I cannot see where any degree of transition would ruin your life.  First of all transition isn't one thing and it is not yes or no.  Transition is a collection of adjustments to get you closer to who you really are, and the cool part is you get to decide and define your own transition.  Some of the greatest people I have met here are not transitioning to a particular gender.  And even if you decide to fully transition you will probably be a bit androgynous at times for awhile (as I am). 

I am learning the most important things in transition are not visible at all.  The foundation of transition is in your brain.

You have your entire life ahead of you, and it sounds like you are identifying things that can unlock your future.  We share many of the same fears and hesitations - arbitrary outdated barriers we are tearing down.  If you have the resources in front of you to live and enjoy the best life possible, you should do so.

And thank you for becoming a member of Susan's.  You came to the right place.

Kendra

[Qbit]

Thanks for your advice Kendra and Laurie, it's nice to talk to people who know these feelings well. I really appreciate your courage, and that of all the people in this group, I hope someday I'll be as sure of myself as all of you are.

Based on what you have described I cannot see where any degree of transition would ruin your life.

I mean I do not want to feel worse, losing friends, family to make a decision like this. Or if the kind of transition I choose simply does not work for me, I don't know. When I think of myself as a girl, or when I fantasize about it, even when I've dreamed about it, it makes me feel great, it makes me feel myself... I guess. But what if I make a decision, I start a transition, and I never get to see that girl in front of the mirror? I am not a too masculine man physically, but when I look in the mirror it is obvious that I am a man xD but what if I always see that man even with hormones? I do not want to lie to myself.

I am learning the most important things in transition are not visible at all.  The foundation of transition is in your brain.

I understand it perfectly, sometimes I think of something similar, everything is in the mind, so maybe I can train my mind, I mean, no matter if I'm a man, a woman or a robot, I should be able to enjoy life without more , I like girls and I'm not an ugly guy, I like my job, I still have goals that I would like to achieve, etc ... why I just can not ignore my gender? I can't, I don't know, I guess this feeling is something iracional.

[Kendra]

I initially asked myself many of the same questions you are right now - and at the time I wasn't certain, I realized I could start on some important MTF checklist items before making a commitment to transition.  What I did may have been a bit unusual but I went full-tilt into hair removal three years before starting HRT.  After laser failed with my dark red and very thick beard (I am half Welsh half Japanese) I went for electrolysis.  Initially six hours per week for a year and then gradually fewer hours to complete everything.  I figured why not take care of something I would prefer to solve regardless of transition.  Sure glad I did now! 

Family is a challenging topic.  I spent time on the Coming Out forum to gather ideas before I had the difficult conversation with my parents.  Any good gender therapist will also have advice for you on this topic which they continuously encounter. 

Friends are easier.  You are going to be giving them a simple test although they won't know they are being tested.  Depending on their answer you will know which ones are your true friends and which ones are just acquaintances or random people. 

[Qbit]

Thanks Kendra, interesting point of view, wow, from what I've heard the laser and the electrolysis are very painful, depending on the skin type. My skin is quite thin, perhaps it would burn in ashes. ^^'

I don't know, my mind is still very confused and with too many doubts, I think that as you have told me before, it would be better to visit a therapist as soon as possible, I hope to be able to arm myself with courage to do it, is hard.

[Roll]

A few days ago I was exactly where you are now. I was absolutely terrified, but managed to make a hello post that I thought was rambling but no one else seemed to mind. I was on the verge of throwing up just trying to hit post. Yet in the past 5 days or so just by reading these forums, hearing the experiences of others, and having some random questions answered... I'm better. Like... a lot better. My anxiety has dropped precipitously, and the idea of being transgender, while certainly has some terrifying aspects to it, is no longer terrifying as a concept in and of itself. Quite the opposite, I'm finding solace in it and excitement for the future. I haven't felt excited for the future... well, pretty much ever I think. (Maybe even excitement to a potentially harmful degree, as I'm really jumping ahead of myself mentally on a few things. I haven't even seen a therapist yet but I'm already formulating a coming out speech.)

In other words, you're in the right place and taking the right steps no matter where you end up just by being here I think.

For my part, my original plan (which may not survive the aforementioned unbridled excitement) mirrors what Kendra said. That is to say, focusing on what I can do to be closer to the person I want to be that is completely regardless of the actual transitioning process. For me, that is weight loss and hair regrowth (fingers cross for finasteride!), and probably some degree of hair removal sooner than later. Stuff that wouldn't raise eyebrows initially, such as torso hair. (If I thought I could laser my own back with one of those 300$ machines off of amazon I'd probably already have gotten started.)

[Qbit]

Hi Roll, thanks for your words, I hope you can be much happier in the future, I will try it too, I still do not know if I will be able, but I will try.

For my part, my original plan (which may not survive the aforementioned unbridled excitement) mirrors what Kendra said. That is to say, focusing on what I can do to be closer to the person I want to be that is completely regardless of the actual transitioning process. For me, that is weight loss and hair regrowth (fingers cross for finasteride!), and probably some degree of hair removal sooner than later. Stuff that wouldn't raise eyebrows initially, such as torso hair. (If I thought I could laser my own back with one of those 300$ machines off of amazon I'd probably already have gotten started.)

I have also tried some changes, to try to feel better, but I am always afraid that they will notice too much, soat the end I don't usually do much. I also tried to leave my hair long, but I don't know, I don't have enough patience, I feel that I don't look good, my hair is very thin, and at the end I'm cutting it, then I feel worse and I think, I will never cut it again, but I do.
Sometimes in winter, I've shaved my legs and arms, because that makes me feel better, I choose winter because in that time I always carry them covered and nobody can see it.

[Roll]

I feel that I don't look good, my hair is very thin, and at the end I'm cutting it, then I feel worse and I think, I will never cut it again, but I do.

I felt the same way for a long time, but have had to try to see the potential rather than the flaws, though it is definitely hard sometimes. Weight loss for me has definitely helped a lot in that regard.

Hair is rough though for sure. I got hit hard by genetics. My father and my maternal grandfather are/were (respectively) bald, and so I have that male pattern baldness coming from both sides which was then further complicated by simply naturally thin hair on top even for the women on my mother's side (it was something she was always very sensitive about, and I actually take some solace in the fact it is not a gender thing and genetically born women have the same issue). I'm having some initial luck with minoxidill(rogaine) that I am hoping to cultivate with finasteride(propecia) and proper shampoos(high rated thickener and then one that has uhh... I forget the name, but its a dandruff shampoo that is supposed to bond to follicles and prevent DHT which causes the baldness from doing so). Only time will tell though. In the meanwhile I'm stuck with either growing out hair around thinner/balding spots which just looks... really bad or cropping it short buzzcut style. Which doesn't look as bad to everyone else, but definitely feels worse to me, almost like its a sign of surrender. So trust me, I know how you feel, as i'm sure many people here do.