A snails pace

[SaraDanielle]

Hello all,

Just seeing my feminine username is somehow alluring, reassuring, and yet somehow alien all at the same time. 

Just 2 days ago I finally admitted to myself that I may be trans - after taking COGIATI for the 27th time, every time trans.

I'm a 40ish year old cis-straight male with many young kids and a wife of 7 years.  Some things have started to click in my slow brain lately.  I remember in 3rd grade, coming home every night wishing I would awake with a female anatomy.  I had never heard the trans word before.  After maybe 6 months of this, I placed a prayer asking for a sign.  Sure enough, what I think was a sign, told me it just wasn't going to happen.  I accepted this and moved on.   Through young adulthood - I displayed rather androgynous interest in many traditionally female and male activities -  and always preferred the company of girls and women to men.

Flash forward to today, and for about 4 years now,  I've fantasized many times a week about being a woman.  Frequently sexual.  When I'm with my wife - she's always the taker in my mind.  Often I see beautiful women- and I want to be them, rather than to be with them as I did in my youth.

I see my 4 year old daughter and I see this gift she has, and I'm jealous.

I work as a engineering manager in a conservative industry and I wonder how my staff would see me.  My relationship with my wife is the cornerstone of my life - I would sooner cut of my own fingers than damage our relationship. She appears fine with all this, though has told me she would have no sexual interest in me as a woman.  My church would freak if I transitioned.

There's also the matter of the fact that I am 6'3, 300lbs, with size 14 feet, and built like a Little John.  Do they even make pumps in size 14?  Ha! So it doesn't seem like a transition is in my near future.

But I want to embrace my femininity and see if this leads anywhere.  I've tried crossdressing a bit, with nail polish, and panties - but was nonplussed. I'm thinking about low-dose HRT for the mental aspect.  But I'm also very concerned about losing sexual potency.  My libido has always been 10 out of 10.  I haven't been able to figure out what trans people do about sex/orgasms in the transition....

Thanks all for reading, my trans at a snails pace
Sarah.

[V M]

Hi SaraDanielle 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Kendra]

Hello Sarah, welcome to Susan's!

I recommend don't be critical of your pace or current goals... you are doing well by just asking yourself these questions and coming up with honest answers, and it's great you haven't hidden an important part of you from your wife.  The most important thing is to determine what will make you happy in the long run and this isn't an instant decision.  I have heard of people maintaining a mild HRT prescription and minimizing or avoiding transition.  Some people re-evaluate what everything means to them, relationships, family, material stuff and make a decision.  A gender therapist or counselor can be a great help, along with being able to interact with members here.

I think pumps actually are available in your size, not easy to find but there are specialty sites.  If you are in the US add the number 2 to men's shoe size to determine the women's equivalent.  I am not good with fashion advice but I can tell you what I discovered about myself.  My first set of women's shoes were shiny black tall spike heels and after several years those have been worn maybe an hour or two.  These days I tend to buy very mild heels or open toe sandals that are only slightly higher than flat.  By walking in shoes that are not radical I find everything easier and I can be comfortable which is one of my goals.  I found some women's sandals that are generic enough I wear them when dressed (sort of) male at the office - I am not full time yet. 

My hesitation to lose existing sexual function did cause me to delay my HRT decision - so I went after other things (permanent removal of facial hair and body hair) while I was undecided.  After realizing my own positive reaction and reinforcement after taking some initial steps I became less concerned about the reduction or loss of one particular type of sexual function.  These are of course very personal decisions but my point is - my answers changed over time and I am comfortable with that.  Some things are a tradeoff and I believe I have made decisions that are the best for me.  I would never push anyone else to do the same - what I can do is explain the thought process and reasoning behind my own decisions. 

I am glad you joined and are starting to explore further.  Welcome, and see you around!

Kendra

[SaraDanielle]

Thank you both for the warm welcome!

Kendra,

I will definitely be reading to learn more, and may consider a gender therapist very soon. Need to learn about insurance coverage.  Lots to learn of course. 

Your comments on shoes make a lot of sense. Of course it occurred to me after I wrote, that the last thing a 6'3 woman would wear would be heels.  I've always secretly liked the ballet flats - so that's ok! 

I guess if I have one advantage in all this is that I have almost no body hair.  My wife has more than I do.  And I shave once every week for 5 seconds. 

I like your comment that your answers change over time- and I guess that's the boat I'm in.  I have my wife, and new job that I love - and well now it's just time to focus on this little aspect.

Thanks again,
Sarah

[Kendra]

Depending on which country you are in there is a secondary benefit to seeing a gender therapist. 

I live in the US (Seattle) and didn't realize a gender therapist could have saved me a considerable amount of money because they have experience working with local insurance policies.  I paid out of pocket for procedures that were stated as exclusions in my employer's health insurance policy.  My therapist said no, that company makes exceptions for transgender coverage and I was indeed covered.  Unfortunately some of the things I had paid out of pocket for were more than a year ago - back when I should have first seen a therapist.

But the main benefit is to help you understand and make good long term decisions.  I think you are on the right track.

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the site SaraDanielle. 

The COGIATI never lies. Best of luck on your transgender voyage of discovering your true self.

[SaraDanielle]

Welcome to the site SaraDanielle. 

The COGIATI never lies. Best of luck on your transgender voyage of discovering your true self.

Thank you. 

I've known about the test for a few years.  Most of the questions are very easy to bias one way or another depending on what you might desire for an outcome.  A few days ago was the first time I think I took it as honestly as possible.  Still trans

[Roll]

Hi Sara! I'm still pretty new here as well. Posting here has been a huge boon to me in dealing with this, and I hope it will be for you!

I wish I could decide on a name that I like, instead I'm just using the name of a female video game character. Better than a masculine forum name, but just doesn't lend quite the same connection since it's not *my* name. (Though it is one I've used variations on many times, so at least familiar.)

[SaraDanielle]

Hi Roll,

Wonderful to meet you.  I was reading you introduction and immediately thought of my WoW days. I was a guild leader and all my toons were female.  I used the same excuse.

The name thing is powerful.  I'm not sure I've decided,  more just trying it on.  There are many good names.