Came Out As Transgender But Afraid Of Losing Self?

[MaxForever]

Hello, I recently discovered I am transgender, (FtM) I named myself Max. I came out to my closest family and
friends so everyone knows now. I am on the stage of finding a therapist in my area to talk to face to face.
(Haven't found one yet) I watched tones of youtube videos on transgender topics and asked myself the question:
Am I transgender? And realized in deeper thought that I am. I see bits and pieces of evidence throughout my life
that I am male and not female that  I have not seen before now (32 years of age)
I am not afraid of becoming male because that is what I want, but I am afraid that I will loose the person
I am during the transition or after. Did anyone else fear this? Did this happen to you?
I know change of gender is just change of gender and not who you are. I am not sure why I feel this way.
But I do know I do not like my body and when I look in the mirror I do not see  who I am supposed to be. And when I hear my old name I do not like it. Does asking this question mean I am not transgender or am I just afraid for nothing.
I want to become a happier person and since discovering this it has made me a lot happier to know.

I just wanted to add to this maybe I am afraid of Finding myself and not losing myself. I am always afraid to just be happy because sometimes when your happy bad stuff happens and it makes you unhappy (people with depression will get this)

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Max!

Welcome to Susan's.

All of us have doubts as we travel this road, and at the stage you are at, your particular doubt of wondering if you will lose yourself is a very natural one.  One of the advantages of talking to a therapist is working out what the doubts are about and starting to deal with them.

My experience is that my sense of self is the one thing that hasn't changed.  That in itself is a source of doubt, because if I still feel the same, am I really a woman?  (I am MTF)  Of course, when I come to my senses, my answer is yes, but the fact that the doubt even comes up is a sign that my sense of self hasn't changed.  What has changed is the way I present myself to the world, which is now a whole lot more authentic and makes me happier.

Here is some information that we like to share with new members to help you navigate the forum safely and effectively:

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.


I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[MaxForever]

Thanks for the reply Kathy it is good to be here and know there is a support group out there.
I am hoping that a therapist will help me in the future. I know this is something I want otherwise I wouldn't be thinking about it I suppose.

And glad to know that I wont lose who I am inside I guess it is just doubts about what is going on.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You become a different person when you transition but this isn't a process to be feared. It's much like when you went from being a teenager to an adult. In the case of a transition you become much more comfortable with and in control over the the world around you. When you are no longer fighting dysphoria on a daily bases, it allows you to live life as it was meant to be lived. You change for the better and when you do, you lose the desire to cling to the past. Your values and what you have always been will still be there but you will be free to express what you have suppressed for so many years.

[MaxForever]

Thanks Dena I don't know why the post made me cry but it did I am pretty happy to figure this out lately.

[Averyel]

Hey, Max was my birth name! And it's a mighty fine one - you'll run into other Maxes once in a blue moon, which is cool, and nobody will ever misspell or mispronounce your name. You can also carve your name in capital letters into trees very easily because there are no curves! Max facts.

I see transition as a helix more than a straight line, when it comes to your sense of self - progress is made by worrying at the same old mental knots with greater confidence and finesse each time you revisit them. Gender is only part of who you are, and for me it was like putting together a jigsaw puzzle with pieces I had to find in a scavenger hunt - why did I like women and suits, but also dresses and men, and why did my romantic relationships feel like a shirt I'd put on inside out and backwards?

My sense of self was shattered by abuse at an early age, so hopefully you'll have a much easier time than I did figuring out how to put yourself together in your proper shape - therapy can be a huge help with that. I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is avoid trying to shut yourself into any particular box to avoid the discomfort of not feeling like you belong - accepting your gender identity is a part of accepting yourself, in all of your complexity. So let yourself be complicated and difficult to understand in the short-term - everything will fall together and make one whole picture in the end, with time and experience.

[Rowena_Ellenweorc]

Welcome aboard hun!!!!

For me, one of the best things about having found a therapist, is he's really been helping me continue to find myself.  And well, as for losing yourself, I don't so much think its that you lose any part of YOU but freeing up what was always there but neglected for so long, maybe?  I don't quite know how to describe it.

But yeah, its okay to be afraid of what you may become, its only natural. But what the difference is... is that you need to decide what to do with that fear. For years, personally, I destroyed myself, telling myself that its not right to feel masculine. Its wrong to behave like a man.  And finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, because I'm not the type of person to just give up, I researched the hell out of how I felt and looked. And decided to make a change.  And as I've done that, I've realized, I've only grown as a person.  I've learned to love myself more...

Long story short, I think that's how eventually you will come to feel too. (And now I gotta run, daughter's making a splash zone)

[FTMax]

I think that's a natural worry that everyone has to some extent.

[Sophia Sage]

For me it really felt like death and rebirth. 

I was deeply repressed for so many years, and the persona I'd created to deal with the world seemed so real at the time.  That was the result of some kind of dissociation, I think.  So there was a day where one sense of self disappeared, leaving only me.  The real me.  It didn't hurt, it wasn't scary.  It was like a soap bubble popping. 

[MaxForever]

Thank you everyone for the big support. I guess I never figured this would be me in the future. But I am proud that it is.
I also had been through abuse like above person said. So maybe that has kept inside what I really feel.
I am looking forward to talking to the therapist soon. I am going to make an appointment with my doctor (Who I  am not sure how she will handle this news she is a family doctor been around for years). Hopefully she wont be judging though I know doctors aren't supposed to be. I have only left to come out to my aunt and uncle and grandmother who are religious and worried how they will take it.

I feel like a stronger person for finding this out and I know I will be able to handle it.
Maybe in some ways I will lose a part of the old me but will be happy with the new me too.