I finally started seeing a therapist, end of june I think? No maybe mid-june? Eh, some time in June I think. Don't remember exactly. I have to say from the moment we talked on the phone, I was impressed. I have had so many experiences with therapy in the past (I've been in and out of therapy for my anxiety) that were so negative. Where I was told I was wrong for feeling the way I do. That I had no one to blame but myself. Which when you have anxiety/depression are the last things you want to hear.
I went to this therapist mostly to get help understanding my dysphoria and dealing with it. However, going to therapy has done soooo much more than that for me. He works with me on my anxiety. He reminds me that no matter what, not only am I human, I am a great one at that. There are therapists who you feel do it for the money. This one, he does it to let people know they matter.
I don't think I've ever been so excited to go to therapy. Which is a foreign concept to me. He's helped me with so much more than just dysphoria. Just getting through each day he has helped me with. And I feel more confident in myself.
My dysphoria, I realized, is a MAJOR contributor to my anxiety. And I have anxiety in every aspect of my life. Social anxiety, testing anxiety, general anxiety, you name it. And my days constantly feel like I'm buried under a pile of rocks so high that I can't get out. Breathing is hard under that pile of rocks. But this therapist, reminds me that while I am dealing with a lot, there are so many good parts to me. He reminds me that I am strong enough to make it through each day. I'm a fighter, and I'll keep fighting. He challenges my way of thinking.
Just this week, we discussed how I can't write essays, have had trouble for years. But he challenged my way of thinking, because he didn't believe I couldn't write an essay when I write poetry like I do. And I realized, that, despite so many people telling me I couldn't, I could... I just have to connect to it. It has to mean something to me. I can't debate a random topic I know nothing about. Or maybe I do know something about it, I just don't connect to it. But something I care about, connect to, am passionate about, that I can write about.
Just simple things like that. I finally found someone who is there to just listen and also remind me that the world isn't as dark as it seems.
So long story short, I can tell you, when you find the right therapist, life is worth living. Some of us need therapy, and its OKAY. I wish I hadn't succumbed to the stigma that therapists are in it for the money, only there to break you down further.
Something I realized through going to therapy, more than anything, is that I've forgotten how to love myself. And that I needed to learn to love myself again. And I am learning that. Slowly.
