Ugh, is it me or them?

[SailorMars1994]

This is largely a work related vent. I wonder, is it me or is it them?

I have a reputation of being a good honest worker, somewhat quite until i get to know someone tho. At times, very quiet. But I notice that sometimes I get treated differently and I am wondering. Is it me or them? I am an open and out MtF with mild autism, or high functioning. Sometimes people dont even know right off the bat, but as time goes on it may get more apparent.  Also, though I am passing now at heights never before seen many people I work with saw me as male, and in previous jobs all but one of them i started off as male. So I got the trans-factor

Still, in lue to some I guess quirks and such, I am able to hold a job, I would say I am able to hold a meaningful conversation (tho I guess I have a tendency to trail off if it isnt of importance or high urgency  :S? ). I dont know what it is tho. Sometimes I feel people are more quiet around me or limit any potential friendship to small co-worker talk. Granted, they are either much older then me and are mom or are my age and enjoy going clubbing at the bar (something I dont care much for). But I mean surely there can be more right?

I also find sometimes in addition to seemingly being more quiet that many seen to complain to me more then others about what ever issue. Not to confine in me, just complain. I didnt notice this for a long time, in fact I was oblivious to these cues until super recent (been there since november) when a new girl came and people I worked with seemed to hit it off really quick with her having a blast and I have yet to ever feel included with it.  This isnt the first time, I noticed at a prior job I had once I allowed my true identity to come out some people kept talking and some keep their distance to a degree, and before that when I was a manager at McDonalds I thought for sure I had real great friends who I could trust. Turns out sometime between coming out as female until quiting they all, and I do mean all either cut me off right then or there or simply became too busy to hang out... I mean they would hang out with others and had no issues trying to get me to do things for then, but to have a good ol'time they just ''couldn't''. And I do mean people I tought I has some form of good friendship with.

I dont get it.. I can keep a secret, I avoid drama (but will hold my ground if i havent anyother choice), I try to do the right thing and try as hard as I can to have my work envirmonet to be a safe, happy and open one not just for me but everyone else. When I was a manager at McDonalds I will admit I did things I wouldnt do now (Like use my code to give free meals to night crew (before midnight), allow people to take extra breaks if they did their discribed tasks, did more work to help others who were screwing around,ect). I was 20 back then, now being even just 23 I see some of the errors I wouldnt repeat. Now, i admit sometimes I have been described as over sensitive too at times and that MAY contribute to any of this, but I do avoid drama as best as I can, I try to make others jobs eaiser , I try to make people enjoy themselves and if need be, when i get to know you be a great friend. And yet, it seems everyone either doesnt like me or hates me but doesnt say anything.

Is it me or them :S?

[DawnOday]

I can relate and I wasn't out yet, But because of my secret I became unaccessable. People realized it and  avoided me. I did my job. In fact at one time years ago, I was the computer, then I started setting up computer programs but as I came up with new ideas it seems it always ended in an argument. Of my twenty year career at one company I came away with three friends. Two of them women. In my defense, I didn't do drugs. I had given up alcohol and my dancing days were over. So I was not a bundle of fun. You, in some ways, have it harder than I ever did because I was not true to myself. I admire your courage

[Lady Lisandra]

I don't know you, so I can't say much, but it could be both, you and your coworkers. That doesn't mean you're wrong.

I've always been a rather antisocial person. Apart from my family, there are two person that are close to me, one of them is my partner. I don't have any group of friends at the conservatory, and do most group activities alone. That doesn't mean I can't get on well with them. I think I'm very friendly actually, I chat with a few mates every now and then, I just don't go to the cafe after class to have a friendly moment with half of the class.

It could be the way you are... You just have to find people like you. Patience...

[Roll]

I wouldn't think of it as a "me or them" dynamic. That implies someone is at fault. You certainly aren't, and unless they are actively avoiding you because of transphobic reasons then they might not be at fault either. Unfortunately even if people genuinely like someone (which it sounds like they should have no (good) reason to dislike you), when confronted with things they don't fully understand (including both autism and being transgender) they will shy away. If people feel like they have to watch what they say at all times lest they say the wrong thing (and I don't mean holding back racial slurs or something like that, but more innocent things), it can be stressful. This creates an unfortunate situation where it isn't that they dislike you, but they are avoiding an extra burden they are putting on themselves (sometimes wrongly, sometimes rightly depending on the person in question). This is a big reason why so many peer groups are fairly homogeneous. (Picture someone you know who curses constantly, but then when someone of the opposite gender, older, or in a position of authority shows up suddenly they start saying things like "darn" and "golly". And when they let a real curse word slip they suddenly become embarrassed and apologize profusely. It doesn't matter if the person they apologize to was actually offended or not, what matters is that they felt they had to willfully keep their speech in check to begin with.)

For my part, I'm in the straight-up antisocial crowd. People like me just fine, but I don't want to hang out with them and they don't want to hang out with me. And I'm cool with that.

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks for the replies. I am a weird one. I want friends, but I dont want to be suffacatted by people saying they are friends... or just large amounts of people breathing dow my neck. But still, it be nice to not feel like a black sheep. Not looking for pity points as I have known this for a long time and it will always be but I know I am already the black sheep of my own family. Being that sheep even before transition I may add. But It would be nice to have a certian amount of friends. I mean socially I am ok i think, I perfer small hang out consisting of me and 1-3 other people. Usurally hanging at ones house watching netflix/youtube vids, coffee dates, walks in parks and even the mall to look at things (assuming it aint too busy). But I am not one for clubs or things like that. In point I would rather read politics or history then go to a dance club to get hammed. Maybe its the early 20s age range that i dont fit in to xD

[FTMax]

I generally don't make new friends who are at wildly different stages in their life or who have no interests in common with me. Sure, people I've known from college or grad school have gone on to get married, have children, start their own businesses, etc. that all put them at a different place in life than me - but at the time we met and became friends, we were at an even playing field.

I maintain those friendships but there is something very different about them than the friendships I have with people who are within five years of my age, also single, who share at least one interest of mine. You're never going to be a priority to people who are vastly different from you. They have different concerns. So I don't wholesale get rid of those friends when their life conditions change, but I de-prioritize how much time and effort I invest in those relationships as a result of their changing priorities.

If I were to meet someone today who was near my age and had similar interests, we might hit it off. But say, same age but married? Or married with children? Or single with children? Ten years older? Twenty years older? I personally don't see a benefit in expending much energy on those folks. There isn't much we can offer each other aside from politeness and general support. It's difficult to form a connection with someone that you don't have much in common with outside of working in the same place, and more so when your lifestyles are dramatically different.

I also don't think coworkers by default make good friends. My best friend that I work with got me my job at the company 4 years ago and we live together, so obviously friends. And one other guy who is very similar (one year younger, from the same area, same level of education) who shares my interest in politics. Everyone else, I'm nice to, I would help them if they needed it and it was within my means and convenient for me to do so. But I wouldn't spend time with them outside of work, would not invite them if I was having a party, etc. There's just not enough commonality aside from working together.