Hey all. So as many of you have known I would have had GRS done back in Janurary if i didnt have a mental break down April of last year and was still living and working in Winnipeg. Things changed dramatically within a matter of a day. Since then I have been working on myself inside and out and tbh doing very well
... but i do have a lot of jelousy.
There was this other trans girl i met in Winnipeg. She was very nice and gave me pointers for transition too!. When I met her in Jan 2016 she was a year on HRT and at that time said she had no plans for GRS as she didnt think it was nessisary. I on the other hand in Jan 2016 couldnt get GRS off my mind, I remember laying in bed thinking about every aspect. The flight to Montreal, my time in the hospital waiting as to what I will do until the surgery time. Being rolled in to the operating room on the dolly-bed and waking up and recovering. I had even a plan on what to do to get it rolling. I was about to get a second job that spring (and even worked there before breakdown) and basiaclly work nearly all day everyday from spring until Jan 2017 just saving money so I could quit those two jobs the day i fly out east for surgery, live with a close family friend or so for those month and have a back up. Then, I would join the military to be an MSCE-OP post healing. If for what ever reason I couldnt join I would then have atleast some money to go down my culinary path for school and make a career that way as I have been in kitchens most of my working life. I had, or I thought I had everything planned and under-control 18 months ago but I guess not.
I found out that in the time we last spoke (over a year) she changed her mind as as of today is on her way to Montreal to get that surgery. I am in Awh, a part of me is so happy for her because she is being true to herself, and she was always nice to me. Anohter part of me is jellin beyond beleif. I mean, that was supposed to be me going there 7 months ago. I wish her the best, I really do. I want her to walk out of that hosital in a week feeling like the Queen of the world. But I wont lie, I regret my life fell into shambles and imploded and has prevented me from going in. Whereas i should be only happy for her (which i am happy for her), i still feel a bit of a pity party for myself in the small degree. Again, I want her to have the best results and outcome but I feel like I lost something that should have happened and that feeling is kinda strong lately .Is this normal?
