Started HRT six days ago.
I had put a lot of research together and theorized in a rather crackbrained way that estrogen might cure a chronic and disabling illness that has kept me housebound and sometimes bedbound for the past year, off and on before that. Nobody thought it had much merit, but since they weren't offering any solutions either, I figured I'd give it a go. Best guess: it would take three weeks minimum to make a difference.
It took one hour.
The morning of my first dose I can hardly stand. One hour later I get this feeling I've never had in my life- I wanted to RUN. I was in a car when it hit, so that didn't happen. But that day was almost certainly the best day of my life. Not because I could suddenly move without losing steam, but because for the first time in my life I could touch my partner and actually feel what people are always on about. I had no idea. Thirty one years, and touch has always felt repulsive, cold, anxious. One dose of HRT and what the actual heck.
Best decision of my life.
Of course, now it gets real. I've been coming out to family and friends one by one as I feel I can handle it, and it's going better than I expected. The reactions are so varied. My mom did the whole "but you've always been a boy" type deal and she's not wrong. My aunt is trans and I learned exactly what my parents felt about that quite early. It wasn't nice.
My oldest childhood friend, on the other hand, was like "duh". How she knew I'll never know. Not sure she does either. Family is hurt but so far not rejecting. An older native american friend of mine was like "Yeah, I've known since you lived by the college". The event he describes was like ten years ago. I wish someone had told me, lol. Not that I'd have listened at the time.
Getting started any day on electro, and doing it myself with a vintage one-touch. I know it's risky. That's half the point. Id do it pro if I could afford anything at all, but I've been sick and my entire life savings add up to about eight dollars. Insurance will pay for the least important ->-bleeped-<-, but I have no idea how I will ever pay for FFS, and i'm one of those people who need it. If it weren't for my browline, chin, and height I'd be doing really well physically anyway.
I think overall things are going pretty well, but the emotional toll for taking on the easier family members is just more than I could have expected. The vast majority are going to be far more difficult, i'd expect.
It's ridiculous when you are like hey, i'm trans, and look! I can drive and make my own food again! And they're all "I just really disagree with your decison on moral grounds". Like, hello? Did you just see me do something?!? Are you saying my being a useless lump, trapped in my body from two different directions and literally draining people's resources while slowly losing the will to live is morally preferrable to solving a biological problem that has messed with me my entire life? Yay smart people with religion. Watch me dancing for joy.
God, I need someone to talk to. But my story seems different enough that I can't seem to find anyone who can relate. Or something. My partner is going through stages of grief, and whenever I take a new step I forget that this thing that feels magical to me represents a new loss for her. She's been incredible, and incredibly bipolar about this. I can't really talk to her freely without it becoming awkward at the most random times.
I've got ability, an entire swath of new sensations, a sudden emotional capacity I didn't expect to develop for weeks or months, and it's absolute bliss until something really petty messed it up. Somehow emotions are both more painful and easier to control. At the very least I CAN ACTUALLY TELL WHEN THEY CHANGE! So that's helpful, except my stress level is through the roof and I haven't learned how to handle the new tools just yet so I keep watching myself act like an idiot.
I have friends, but the only trans friends I have can be so touchy that it's hard to talk to them. And anyway I've been mostly stuck in my room an hour away from town for most of the last year. And I know they are tired of listening to me revelate about being trans already. And I've just began this whole thing.
It's hard to believe I could feel so simultaneously overwhelmed and have a sense of being alive and caring about the future at the same time. I've been walking dead so long that now I have no real idea where to begin.
Rant over.
For now. I know so many of you have it harder, and I just can't fathom the badassery involved in living your lives.
