Why do people feel such a need to out transpeople to their SO?

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. I don't understand why people feel such a need to tell my boyfriend I'm trans. This has happened a few times and it upsets me. I can deal with being outed, it's not that big of a deal for me anymore.  But having people out me and say stuff about me to my boyfriend really bothers and upsets me. It's not a passability issue. Everyone that's outed me was someone who knew me before I transitioned. Mostly from school. The thing is that absolutely everybody in school knew of me. But I don't know all those people so when I run across someone in public I wouldn't know them or know what's  about to happen. And also people don't forget me very easily because of how I look. When someone has outed me they make sure to tell him they knew me when I was a "dude" and the school "->-bleeped-<-ot".

I'm at the point where I hate going out in public with Tristan. You would think in a city this size the odds of encountering someone who knew me before would be on the low side. But no, of course not. That would make life too easy for me. Tristan never seems bothered when that happens. He usually just comes back with some insulting Australian expression. I don't know why but any insult sounds worse with an Aussie accent. I died laughing when he called one girl a "swamp donkey". He has told me that he doesn't care what people say and that it's their problem and not ours. But it still makes me feel awful. I think the guys who out me think maybe Tristan doesn't know I'm trans and they are doing him a favor. I think that's like one of the stupid guy code things. But I know they also enjoy it. Dicks! Tristan told me it's not even an issue for him and to stop worrying about it. But I still feel really bad that he has to deal with transphobia that's actually aimed at him.

Has anyone else had someone out you to your significant other?

[Gertrude]

Answer to first question: it's a tribal thing. For some, your behavior is outside the norm of the tribe they were indoctrinated into and they are warning your SO in case he doesn't know. It affirms their cultural/tribal beliefs to do so. With some people, they exercise what's called musterbation in an excessive way, which is: I must behave a certain way to be acceptable to others, others must behave a certain way to be acceptable to me, and the world must be a certain way to be acceptable to me and my tribe. The rules for these are learned at a very young age and most people never question them or reevaluate them. We all have cultural beliefs that we at times musterbate about, but some people are fundamentalists( and this can go beyond traditional religion) and use judgement to constantly reaffirm and reinforce their beliefs. These people are insecure and therefore afraid and desire a world where everything is spelled out and certain.

To answer your second question, no.


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[SailorMars1994]

Tristian sounds like a good man!!! I wish I had someone that secure with themselves

You are likely right, it is a guy code thing likely. Because, as I learned the hard way 3 years ago, just because you transition doesnt mean others will see the real you. They will still see the dead idenity as real. These guys are obviosuly not educated on the matter. Dont get mad at me for being blunt but chances are they do just see you as a gay ''dude''. In their minds penis=male and male only. So if you are pre-op it doesnt matter. And even post-op they may cling to the old ideas ''they are living as a woman becuase they dont want to be seen as gay''/. So, back to what you said yes, they likely tell you man this because they think they are doing him a ''favour'' because apprently us trans-folk just want to ''trick'' people....

I would love to say they are telling him you are trans out of sheer respect and admiramtion ''she was born some form of male body, but she did a lot of reflection and self care and she has became the woman she always was'' type thing but chances are thats not it..

I recall when I came out as trans I had slightly un-informed people (cant call her ignorant as she was there for me when few turned out to be) talk with me about my sexual orentation and I did say I have some feelings for guys (Bisexual here) and she was like ''of course you like guys, you are becoming a woman'' ... atelast she acknowledged i am female but there is an assumtion that we all begin as ''gay men'' :/ .... or back in 2014 when me and some people who foolin around and I said to my friend I was going to do something stupid that this cis-female did and hes like ''Well your a guy so I can fight/hit you''.. suppose to be a joke and kidding tone but the joke or goofing part was the hitting, he still saw me as a male due to my past living experiences.

One silver lining, Tristan is a great guy and I wish you a life time of love and fufillment <3

[SailorMars1994]

Answer to first question: it's a tribal thing. For some, your behavior is outside the norm of the tribe they were indoctrinated into and they are warning your SO in case he doesn't know. It affirms their cultural/tribal beliefs to do so. With some people, they exercise what's called musterbation in an excessive way, which is: I must behave a certain way to be acceptable to others, others must behave a certain way to be acceptable to me, and the world must be a certain way to be acceptable to me and my tribe. The rules for these are learned at a very young age and most people never question them or reevaluate them. We all have cultural beliefs that we at times musterbate about, but some people are fundamentalists( and this can go beyond traditional religion) and use judgement to constantly reaffirm and reinforce their beliefs. These people are insecure and therefore afraid and desire a world where everything is spelled out and certain.

To answer your second question, no.


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This girl is right!, in addition notice when a manly man see an attractive girl and talking about wanting to ''tap that'' or even cat calls... then finds out she is trans and then has to backtrack or even blame her for ''misleading'' him. Its a learnt behavior.

[TheDarkQueenEmily]

Answer to first question: it's a tribal thing. For some, your behavior is outside the norm of the tribe they were indoctrinated into and they are warning your SO in case he doesn't know. It affirms their cultural/tribal beliefs to do so. With some people, they exercise what's called musterbation in an excessive way, which is: I must behave a certain way to be acceptable to others, others must behave a certain way to be acceptable to me, and the world must be a certain way to be acceptable to me and my tribe. The rules for these are learned at a very young age and most people never question them or reevaluate them. We all have cultural beliefs that we at times musterbate about, but some people are fundamentalists( and this can go beyond traditional religion) and use judgement to constantly reaffirm and reinforce their beliefs. These people are insecure and therefore afraid and desire a world where everything is spelled out and certain.

To answer your second question, no.


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I really liked your answer. So accurate and true.

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[Nora Kayte]

They do it to try and make themselves feel better. Reason? I am sure there are many. Insecure, jealous. Wish they were you. Wish they were Tristan. Or just plain hate. To many people these days just enjoy being hurtful and hateful. We all need to start loving each other. To much hate in this world.


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[Julia1996]

Sailor, you didn't offend me at all. I know those people just see me as a gay boy dressing as a girl. It doesn't matter if you're pre or post up. Actually I think those people thought I was post op because one of them told Tristan he was ## an inside out dick, not a pussy. And that if he went down on me he might run into a "Dick stump". Unfortunately that's how a lot of people view us. My own uncle thinks that way. He told my dad no matter how much surgery I had or how pretty I am, I would never be a girl. I would be a gay boy who pretends to be a girl because I didn't have the balls to just be a gay guy. My dad told him that was stupid and that he was a dumbass. He said it was a lot harder to be trans than to just be gay, and he's totally right.

I'm sure my life would be a lot easier if I had just been a gay male. The argument that we transition because it's easier than being a gay guy just totally makes no sense. There is nothing easy about being trans. Just being gay would be much easier. People are just so totally ignorant. It seems like so many of them don't even want to try to be educated about anything they don't understand. Like my uncle and grandpa they just want to wallow in their own ignorance.

[Kylo]

Probably just idiots with a brain-mouth disconnect get a kick out of doing that sort of thing.

[Lady Sarah]

A long time ago, I was told that people like that are like dogs. They bark at anything they do not understand, and some will bite. One guy told my husband, "I know she used to be a guy, but I don't understand. She don't look like one". My husband told the guy "where did you here that from?". Then there was just silence.
You cannot stop the dogs from barking. However, you can ignore it and wait for karma to kick their butts.

[KageNiko]

Sailor, you didn't offend me at all. I know those people just see me as a gay boy dressing as a girl. It doesn't matter if you're pre or post up. Actually I think those people thought I was post op because one of them told Tristan he was ## an inside out dick, not a pussy. And that if he went down on me he might run into a "Dick stump". Unfortunately that's how a lot of people view us. My own uncle thinks that way. He told my dad no matter how much surgery I had or how pretty I am, I would never be a girl. I would be a gay boy who pretends to be a girl because I didn't have the balls to just be a gay guy. My dad told him that was stupid and that he was a dumbass. He said it was a lot harder to be trans than to just be gay, and he's totally right.

I'm sure my life would be a lot easier if I had just been a gay male. The argument that we transition because it's easier than being a gay guy just totally makes no sense. There is nothing easy about being trans. Just being gay would be much easier. People are just so totally ignorant. It seems like so many of them don't even want to try to be educated about anything they don't understand. Like my uncle and grandpa they just want to wallow in their own ignorance.

Julia, your posts always hit me in the heart.  I'm sure you've heard someone ask you before, "Are you sure you're not just gay?" when you came out to them, I know I have.  Try to not allow these comments to bother you too much.  I know most of us transfolk want to just pass and forget about our previous lives, but you need to mentally prepare yourself for this type of discrimination.  My suggestion: show your SO some extra affection when this happens so he knows how much you appreciate him.  He really does sound like a good guy.

I only hope I can be with one like him some day. <3

Love, Ashley

[Dee Marshall]

Want to really confuse them? Be a trans lesbian. "Wait, you want to be a girl but you like girls? Wouldn't it be easier to stay a guy?" And they're right, it would be, if I had ever been a guy in the first place.

[RobynD]

Your boyfriend sounds like an awesome prince. People and their various hangups and tribal ways, do indeed cause issues, micro-aggressions etc. People (and not hostile people) have openly asked if my boyfriend "liked guys" before we got together. How dumb is that? Others have not noted anything about my past to him, but he knows it all anyways.

His responses are similar to your boyfriends, loving, firm and corrective with some snark if he feels the person is being mean in any way. Other people's insecurities sometimes cause us pain.

[Julia1996]

Your boyfriend sounds like an awesome prince. People and their various hangups and tribal ways, do indeed cause issues, micro-aggressions etc. People (and not hostile people) have openly asked if my boyfriend "liked guys" before we got together. How dumb is that? Others have not noted anything about my past to him, but he knows it all anyways.

His responses are similar to your boyfriends, loving, firm and corrective with some snark if he feels the person is being mean in any way. Other people's insecurities sometimes cause us pain.

People have asked Tristan if he's gay or bi because he's dating me. Even my mom did that! She was talking about bisexuals and she said she didn't know if they were confused or just greedy. Then she said, "no offense Tristan."  He asked why he should be offended and she said " you're bisexual....aren't you?"  He said no he wasnt. She said she figured he would have to be. He asked her why she thought that. She looked right at me but I guess she decided to try and play it off. She said " well being something besides heterosexual seems to be the in thing with people your age. I could have killed her! Could she possibly sound any stupider! I'm sure Tristan wanted to say something nasty to her but because it was my mom he didn't.  But he totally doesn't like my mom since she did that. But that's a pretty big club. No one likes her. I don't even like her.

[JoanneB]

It definitely is a Guy/Tribal thing like Gertude said. "OMG Maybe he doesn't know?" Or, "Got to warn him before he becomes One of Them or Gay". Guys spend an inordinate amount of time and energy worrying about catching some "Gay" germ and becoming "One of those". Trans is the ABSOLUTE WORSE of them all

[Ryuichi13]

It definitely is a Guy/Tribal thing like Gertude said. "OMG Maybe he doesn't know?" Or, "Got to warn him before he becomes One of Them or Gay". Guys spend an inordinate amount of time and energy worrying about catching some "Gay" germ and becoming "One of those". Trans is the ABSOLUTE WORSE of them all

"Gay germ! [emoji23]

Keep Tristan, he's the best!  You're a lucky girl, Julia!

Ryuichi

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[JMJW]

The lack of boundaries these people have is astounding. Even if he didn't know, since when is it their business to involve themselves uninvited into people's relationship and make comments like that. The assumption that its based on a lie is the assumption that a man would have to be "tricked" to ever want to date a transwoman. I guarantee not one of them thought about your safety or feelings, or even cared. Though it sounds to me like he understands the implications of their actions quite well, so good for him. 

[Julia1996]

The lack of boundaries these people have is astounding. Even if he didn't know, since when is it their business to involve themselves uninvited into people's relationship and make comments like that. The assumption that its based on a lie is the assumption that a man would have to be "tricked" to ever want to date a transwoman. I guarantee not one of them thought about your safety or feelings, or even cared. Though it sounds to me like he understands the implications of their actions quite well, so good for him.

Actually I think they were hoping he didn't know and that he would react badly. It would have been entertainment for them. My safety wasn't any concern for them because they consider me to still be a guy. I'm 5'4 and Tristan is 6'4 and muscular. He could totally destroy me if he meant to assault me. But to these people, if he had beat the crap out of me I would have deserved it for "tricking" him. I also hate that people think a guy has to be tricked or that he has to be abnormal in some way to want to be with a transgirl. I would never not tell a guy I was trans. Even after I have SRS I would still tell him. Tristan wasn't especially thrilled when I told him I was trans. He needed time to think about it. I didn't hear from him for a week after I told him and I figured I would never hear from him again, but then he said he had thought about it and actually done some research on trans people and that he was ok with it. I just wonder if he had known he was going to have to deal with people outing me if he would still have wanted to date me.

[Charlie Nicki]

I think is very nice that he doesn't care about that and still loves you and supports you. People can be so rude and awful! But that is nothing new. Have you guys thought about moving to another city?

[Ryuichi13]

Actually I think they were hoping he didn't know and that he would react badly. It would have been entertainment for them. My safety wasn't any concern for them because they consider me to still be a guy. I'm 5'4 and Tristan is 6'4 and muscular. He could totally destroy me if he meant to assault me. But to these people, if he had beat the crap out of me I would have deserved it for "tricking" him. I also hate that people think a guy has to be tricked or that he has to be abnormal in some way to want to be with a transgirl. I would never not tell a guy I was trans. Even after I have SRS I would still tell him. Tristan wasn't especially thrilled when I told him I was trans. He needed time to think about it. I didn't hear from him for a week after I told him and I figured I would never hear from him again, but then he said he had thought about it and actually done some research on trans people and that he was ok with it. I just wonder if he had known he was going to have to deal with people outing me if he would still have wanted to date me.

I syy the next time someone sticks their nose into you two's business, you give them what they obviously want to see, a show!

Tristan can pretend to be shocked and overreact, and you can pretend to be shocked that "he found out," and then either or both of you can turn to the person and say "do you REALLY think he's THAT stupid?  Do you REALLY think I'm trying to somehow trick him?  GET A LIFE!"

Make sure you both bow/curtsey for your audience before you both ask for your Oscars!

Ryuichi   

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