I need some advice

[GraysonIsVeryConfused]

So...My friend accidently used my preferred name in front of my mom. And there was no hiding that I go by that since if I were born a boy the name I go by is the name I would have had. Anyway. I was not staying with my mom at the time. She was dropping me and my friend off somewhere. This action sent me into a huge amount of panic. I was even more anxious than usual and I felt like I would break into tears.
Then I got a text. To some up the text she told me that she knew I went by another name with my friends and that she would always love me. She also said she hopes that soon I'd find a way to trust her.
Now at first I was relieved. Then I got depressed. Than I got angry.
The relieved was because she wasn't pissed about the name.
The depressed I'm pretty sure was just me being very over-whelmed.
Then the angry is when I realized something she said in the text pissed me off.
The "I hope you find a way to trust me."
I know this doesn't seem bad but I don't get why I would ever trust her when it comes to telling her about my identity
Because I already did. Here are a few things my parents said to me.
"I don't see it"
"You were so girly as a child"
"Being trans is very trendy right now"
"Liking boys underwear doesn't make you a boy."
"Your brother is emotionally traumatized enough."
After all those comments. She thinks I should trust her?
I did trust her. And she took that trust and shattered it.
How does she not see what she did wrong?
She didn't even apologize to me.
I'm not that pissed anymore. I vented to a friend to get it all out of my system.
Now for the advice that I'm asking for.
I feel like i'm ready to sit with my parents and talk to them about how serious I am about the whole trans thing.
But...
I have absolutely no idea how to have these kind of conversations. Or how to start them.
I think I need to mention how much I was hurt by there words. But I don't want to make them feel bad.
But at the same time that angry part of me wants to shatter their hearts. Give them a taste of their own medicine.
I just need some advice on how to guide the conversation and not let the anger get the best of me.

[Gertrude]

Have you been to a therapist that specializes in gender identity? If not, start there. Being angry at them and/or giving them their own medicine won't make or help them understand you. On the other hand, you need a safe environment to tell them how you fell and how what they said affected you.


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[Ryuichi13]

This video is a little bit out of date, but it still gets the point across beautifully.  I suggest you watch it first so that you know what questions to expect from your folks.

Be prepared to pause it a LOT and discuss it when you show it to your parents/family.

Good luck.



Ryuichi

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[elkie-t]

Trust is a strange thing. It can be rebuilt over time. And your mother might not see you as a transperson but still love and support you, while at the same time making your transition more difficult.

I wouldn't start any talks now, you aren't ready emotionally. Just text her back, thanking for love and support but telling you aren't willing to discuss it now

Do you have your own transition plan? Are you sure you want to fully transition into male and not just be a butch lady? You don't need to be girly and you can have as much male privilege as you can bear so long as you can carry it on your shoulders.

What are your life plans as a guy? Being a guy doesn't make you employed, you know. And many jobs for guys are physically more demanding than traditional women's jobs.


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[Dan]

These words, that your mom said,
"You were so girly as a child"
"Being trans is very trendy right now"

Indicate that she does not appear to understand what being trans is really about. 

Has she been exposed to informed advice about what being trans actually means?

I would start at that point.

If you are uncertain as to the sources of your mom's sources of information, send this link to her before you even start a conversation. And then just let her ask you questions. Maybe do this over email so that there is a bit more thinking involved and less knee jerk reaction.

http://cupola.columbia.edu/978-0-231-15712-4/29

It's also important for you to remember that your family are transitioning with you, and they have probably spend a lot less time thinking about the transgender concept than you have.

Have you seen a therapist? If so, your mom should be invited to attend a session.

Take it slow. One baby step at a time.

[Dan]

This is also a very good resource for your parents and siblings

[Elis]

My dad was the same exact way. You just have to give it time and show her you're serious. Maybe you could contact a gender therapist. Or simply do anything that will make you feel less gender dysphoric; despite how your mum will react.

I think the best way is to write an email; then you can get your thoughts in order. Start with how your assigned gender made you feel in the past; how it makes you feel now and plans for the future. Then include links to what trans actually is.

[Tammy Jade]

This is also a very good resource for your parents and siblings

I got my parents to watch this video it helped them greatly


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[Gertrude]

These words, that your mom said,
"You were so girly as a child"
"Being trans is very trendy right now"

Indicate that she does not appear to understand what being trans is really about. 

Has she been exposed to informed advice about what being trans actually means?

I would start at that point.

If you are uncertain as to the sources of your mom's sources of information, send this link to her before you even start a conversation. And then just let her ask you questions. Maybe do this over email so that there is a bit more thinking involved and less knee jerk reaction.

http://cupola.columbia.edu/978-0-231-15712-4/29

It's also important for you to remember that your family are transitioning with you, and they have probably spend a lot less time thinking about the transgender concept than you have.

Have you seen a therapist? If so, your mom should be invited to attend a session.

Take it slow. One baby step at a time.

She's probably in denial too


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[Peep]

Could it be that between saying those earlier things, and the trust thing, that she's read a bit and understands better (or thinks that she does)?

Even if that's true, what she said is still kind of making it about her, which isn't great so i see why you're upset

If i was being bold I'd ask 'Trust you with what?' but i don't know if you want to stir that pot