Difficult conversation this week

[R W]

My son's girlfriend knows I am trans and got really agitated when I said I wanted to have corrective surgery. She came back with "so you want to ruin all our lives by mutilating your genitals". For a few seconds I was speechless and wondered what I did to wind up in this situation? Oh well things sometimes do not go as planned.

[rmaddy]

My son's girlfriend knows I am trans and got really agitated when I said I wanted to have corrective surgery. She came back with "so you want to ruin all our lives by mutilating your genitals". For a few seconds I was speechless and wondered what I did to wind up in this situation? Oh well things sometimes do not go as planned.

It's not mutilation.  It's origami.

[Lady Lisandra]

It's not mutilation.  It's origami.

Best phrase I've heard about GRS after "they don't cut it, they roll it up".

Anyway, that's a very common attitude. They believe you make people around you suffer by transitioning. I really can't understand why. I am the one facing insults, misgendering, discrimination, violence, but in fact the one who really sufered was my mum (and according to her everyone who loved me).

My approach was asking how I was making her suffer, and after she couldn't explain it, I told her "I might of things that come with a little suffering, but if you want to suffer for me, for my life or for what others might think or do, that's your problem." I was done living for other people's happiness. And in those cases you need to be a little "selfish". Nobody is going to make you feel better, you have to do that yourself, even if that's against what others expect of you.

[Gertrude]

People like her are the ones being selfish, not us. They impose unwanted and unhealthy obligations on us based on their need to avoid shame, thereby transferring and perpetuating that shame. I'm sick of that attitude.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Tammy Jade]

How old is this particular girl?

Sounds from the comment she is a teenager or there abouts??

Assuming she is remember teenage girls can be quite the little bitches or at least that is what I remember from those days.

I wouldn't take it to heart it's ur sons g/f not ur son.. as long as ur son doesn't fee the same way I would talk to him, tell him how it made you feel & ask him to talk to her.. if she is even cares about his feelings she won't want to see him hurt and will make a effort.

Communication is key.

Thats all assuming we rnt talking about 30 yr olds because that's a entirely different situation


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JoanneB]

My son's girlfriend knows I am trans and got really agitated when I said I wanted to have corrective surgery. She came back with "so you want to ruin all our lives by mutilating your genitals". For a few seconds I was speechless and wondered what I did to wind up in this situation? Oh well things sometimes do not go as planned.

I don't get it. Something for the most part No One besides you or an intimate will know about will ruin the lives of everyone in your sphere of influence. Over and above what "Obviously" must be be the ruination of everyone lives around you?

Sounds like another case of "It's Not Real Yet" 

[Laurie K]

In my opinion, both us that transition, and those that try to belittle and control us are both selfish. Ours is different though. It is a means to happiness, to some place we have never been before. We will do any thing to attain our goals.  We lose friends family and jobs. we experience ridicule and risk our lives because of the betterment of self. I am transitioning, and if being selfish we be a means to my inner happiness... so be it. I'm doing this for me. Your selfishness won't stop me.

[Gertrude]

In my opinion, both us that transition, and those that try to belittle and control us are both selfish. Ours is different though. It is a means to happiness, to some place we have never been before. We will do any thing to attain our goals.  We lose friends family and jobs. we experience ridicule and risk our lives because of the betterment of self. I am transitioning, and if being selfish we be a means to my inner happiness... so be it. I'm doing this for me. Your selfishness won't stop me.

In balance of all the years of sacrificing authenticity and happiness, I don't find it being selfish. Expecting someone to be inauthentic and unhappy in order to avoid cognitive dissonance and possible shame is a lot more selfish on any account. While cultural rules and norms are learned, they aren't as embedded as our gender issues and if anyone  would conflate the two in terms of malleability and corrageability, they're ignorant at best.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

[Michelle_P]

Oh, the 'selfish' thing! 

We really do need to ask how our altering our private parts could possibly ruin the lives of anyone not sexually intimate with us, even if only to ourselves.  Could someone else really have so much of their self-worth wrapped up in the contents of our pants, or are they selfishly trying to control us?

I had to deal exactly with this, and thinking it through revealed much I had not faced about others.  I finally had to face reality, and admit that putting the mere discomfort of others, their fear of possible embarrassment really, before my own sanity and survival was a poor choice.   

Once I admitted that to myself, I was able to move forward, and my life has improved immeasurably since then.

[kat69]

This last week has seen a number of statements similar to your situation for me. Some of them have been singularly hurtful because not so long ago those family members had stated they were okay with me transitioning.  In every case, it seems they don't want to see me because they are uncomfortable as they do not understand why I want to transition.  They can't understand why someone would need to change genders....so....they proceed to isolate me more.

There is no attempt to understand, no attempt to learn.  They just shun what they can't comprehend.  In the end, they make our transition about them...not about the individual fighting to live their life in a world that upside down for them....

When I hear people say that transitioning is selfish because we don't consider the effect it has on others....I want to throw up.  What would the world be like if we stopped doing things just because someone else could be affected?!

[Julia1996]

I totally hate when people say that! That's the first thing my mother said when I came out. My dad was hugging me and telling me it was ok and that I didn't need to cry. My mother said " I'm the one who should be crying. What is everyone going to think? How could you be so selfish!". I'm the one who has to deal with medical treatments, future surgery, transphobia and worry about someone maybe killing me because I'm trans. But I'm the selfish one.

I also hate when people say SRS is mutilation.  It's CORRECTION. Before my dad cut off contact with him my uncle would tell me I shouldn't have SRS because it was irreversible and it wouldn't ever be a vagina it would just be a mutilated dick and ball sack. I don't even bother trying to talk with someone who has that attitude. It's a waste of my time.

As for Tammy Jades comment about teenage girls, I'm a teenage girl, for a few more months anyway, but she's right. Teenage girls can be total bitches and extremely mean. Before I transitioned , a girl my brother was dating asked him what was wrong with me and he explained that I had albinism.  She said " and he's a ->-bleeped-<- too. It would have been better to have drowned him at birth". And yes he dumped her on the spot. Personally I don't see what right the girfriend  had to say anything about it. She's your son's girlfriend, not his wife. She should keep her nose out of your family business and keep her big mouth shut and her small minded opinions to herself.

[RobynD]

Those types of phobic and mean comments are horrible. Sorry you experienced them. I think of most of us do at some point, but that does not make it any better.

[rmaddy]

I also hate when people say SRS is mutilation.  It's CORRECTION.

Tell them its ori-effin-gami.

[JoanneB]

Tell them its ori-effin-gami.

Which is why I and many wiser people before me came up with Gender CORRECTION Surgery, or GCS.  It's not perfect but given the limitation of a simple acronym, about the best I think there is

[Lady Sarah]

Anyone who cares would likely say something in the line of "whatever makes you happy", in the event they ain't too pleased. To say anything along the lines of mutilation, means they enjoy seeing others in misery. Perhaps it has to deal with control, but not necessarily. Some people just plain suck.

[R W]

I'll just chalk it up to her inexperience and being selfish. She is still a kid, as far as I'm concerned and maybe she'll come around maybe not. I hope so-she is really sweet sometimes and my son loves her. And she was being a bit catty for my taste. Yeah, I'm the selfish one for doing this to save what's left of my sanity. Oh well, tomorrow is another day.

Randi

[Mary1]

It does become a problem though, for your wife, if they are and always were sexually attracted to men. Should she have to change her sexually identity. She always was attracted to males and is, how do we deal with it .

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

[R W]

Yes it is a problem for my spouse. The jury is still out on that one and we keep the status quo alive for another day. I am still working this out and am taking small steps toward a goal I may never reach. If I don't make it there it will not be because I didn't try.

One thing is certain-if my wife did not care about me there would not be a real problem to work thru in regards to our relationship.

[JoanneB]

One thing is certain-if my wife did not care about me there would not be a real problem to work thru in regards to our relationship.

It does to a lot of effort on BOTH parties to preserve "The Us". That is only going to come about if both believe it is worth the effort. I, especially, as well as my wife worked double overtime at in the months after dropping the T-Bomb. Heck, 8 years later we still need to as course adjustments need to be made. Most by me tacking more to "Dream". But she also sees and knows the hard choices I need to make. Survive, or turn into a depressed angry thing.