Hi Everyone,
I'm a former Susan's member, and decided to join once again. I actually kept a blog of my transition and detransition the last time around, and the last entry / summary is here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162459.0.htmlAnyway, here's the sequel so far: I detransitioned after several months of HRT, left my old company when things got weird and got a new job at a new company that is trans friendly with higher rate of pay - I told the hiring manager and recruiter I was trans before joining. Separately, I formed several community LGBT groups - including an alumni chapter at my university, a regional LGBT chamber of commerce with several large businesses participating, and established an LGBT employee group at a Fortune 300 company (my new company) where I share my story and the need to create inclusive work environments where people belong. I also began lecturing to healthcare professionals in Michigan about the state of care for trans* individuals. My last lecture was to 100+ nurses and physicians, where I shared my story, including the horrid conditions of emergency care and psychiatric facilities for transwomen (using my own experience of being strip searched and placed with a scary dude for 3 days, despite me presenting female, having breasts, and long hair, and telling all of the providers of my identity) My work over the last few years has been a part of my healing from the terrible loss, and also my personal crusade against living in fear for 40+ years. I am very fortunate, and my privilege is not lost on me, to begin my transition as a white business executive with many ties in the community where I live.
Along the journey, I met a woman who I married a year ago this week (happy anniversary to me!), and with her encouragement began to transition once again. We bought a home together, and it has been great being open with someone who loves me for who I am. I have no transition destination in mind, know it is likely I will never pass. I think it would make life far easier, but my honest goal is to lessen my dysphoria and live a more authentic life, full stop. I have to accept that, and most of the time I do.
My wife goes to my endo meetings with me, asks good questions of me and the docs, and I feel we have a true partnership. She is college educated, attractive, a senior manager at a company where I used to work at, and identifies as pansexual. I was upfront about my history from our first time hanging out together -- we were friends for several months before romance became involved. As I transition again, our relationship has even strengthened.
Anyway, since coming out several years ago I present mixed gender - I wear women's pants, shoes, some tops, and earrings. I have had five rounds of laser on my face, but still have a lot of shadow even when I shave, and do not wear makeup. I have often been pegged as "gay", though I still "butch up" if I am going to certain areas of the city (or avoid them altogether, if I can.) I have been harassed and threatened physically in public a couple of times over the last few years. I am licensed to carry a concealed weapon, and do carry a handgun for safety.
Most of my friends now are new since I came out in 2013. My life from before that time simply ceased to exist, and only a handful of family members and friends stuck with me. The loss hurt, and I had to work harder than anything I have ever had to do to overcome it, and rebuild my life. The link above, and some of what I have said here has been a part of it. I will say, and would be curious to hear other's experience, that I thought I could hang on to a lot of my prior life. In the long run, even those things that seemed good at the time before transition found a way to cause angst and pain, and I ended up having to let go of probably 90% of that world...and start anew. People have been the biggest change. My new friends tend to be very progressive in their political views, and even if they are not, they are all decent humans.
The kicker in all of this is that I do have a medical disability that I have had since birth (I reference it in my blog in a couple of places.) In one of life's cruel twists of fate, that has reared its ugly head, and after experiencing some related medical crises, and consulting with a sh!t ton of physicians, I was recently given a 3-5 year life prognosis. I have a sister who is five years older with the same condition, and based on her medical challenges recently, I believe my prognosis is generally accurate. Along with a supportive partner and wife, this change in my condition also informed my decision to transition (consequences be damned!)
The reason I am sharing all of this is simply to say that if you are middle-aged, and finding your life falling apart because of coming out of the gender closet (or pressure to do so), please know you have it in you to survive. It sucks in a lot of ways, and the losses I experienced as a result are probably the worst thing I personally have been through. I still look back at it with bittersweet thoughts.
That said, at some point, with a lot of self-care, spending time in nature, and doing the things to find a purpose for my soul, I was able to crawl out of the black abyss. I never thought I would find another love with whom I would laugh, cry, cuddle at night, and share amazing moments...let alone one who would tell me I look good dressed as I do, or even laugh with excitement when I talk about my boobs aching. My transition is probably 5% of our overall relationship. The good stuff is the other 95%.
And I never thought I would have an employer not make my gender identity an issue, and would even be enthusiastic for me to work with others, and help update policies and benefits (we introduced transgender benefits to cover hormones and GCS this year.) I had to leave my old employer where I really enjoyed the team, but it was a blessing in disguise.
I could go on and on (I do like to write!) - my apologies. Mainly, I just want to say thanks for creating this space and welcoming everyone. It meant a lot the last time I was here, and I look forward to lurking and occasionally posting when I have something to add.
~ Toni
