3 Months Post Op

[cammy0204]

Hi Everyone!

This is my first post on here but I just wanted to write about an experience I had recently. I had my mtf GCS in May and things seem to going well. One of the things that I did want to talk about was the post op depression I am feeling. I know they say its normal, but I am just curious for those who have experienced it, what exactly were you feeling depressed about? For me, I feel so anxious and scared that I am never going to feel better that I think I have worked myself up into a fit of depression. Recently, while dilating I put my finger into my vaginal canal and the inside felt like it was all shredded and bumpy. It had not felt like this before so I immediately was in a panic. I was so afraid that something was seriously wrong with me and I didn't know where to turn to. I made the biggest mistake of my life by googling what I was feeling and got results that mostly describe awful things like cancer, HPV or some other type of STI.

I followed up with my doctor and he assured me that it was most likely granulation tissue and it would heal on its own. So for any girl that has a similar situation in the future I do want to let you know that it will heal on its own, after about 10 days from my doctors visit I placed my finger back inside and things are starting to feel smooth again.

This was such an eye opening experience for me of how scary this whole thing can be and its what made me join this website. I don't have anyone else to talk about these things with and I spent so much time worrying that there may have been something seriously wrong with me when one of the girls on here could have told me what the problem was cause they had experienced it too!

Although I am still battling my postop depression I am excited for my future. For the girls who have experienced the postop depression, how long did it last for you? I am hoping I am finally on the upswing of kicking mine to the curb.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I didn't exactly have post op depression but my emotions were like walking on egg shells. There was a financial complication and when the nurse discussed it with me, I ended up crying about it even though it was a simple matter to correct the problem. As I didn't receive blockers, I now believe this was cause by a complete hormone crash as I had neither estrogen or testosterone in my system and wouldn't for at least a couple of more weeks. The problem seemed to mostly clear up after I returned to HRT however I needed to learn to cope with an estrogen based body instead of a testosterone based one.

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[reborn]

I get postoperative depression after every general anesthesia so I am experienced to talk about that. I always am euphoric the first week after GA and after that I become so depressed that everything seems wrong. I am concerned about the results, the small complications, about everything related to the surgery. The most it has lasted was 6 months. It always resolves by its self so you shouldn't be worried about that.

[warlockmaker]

Post op depression from GA is common. But it normally needs some stress triggers , for example financial, health, family etc . The other source could be your current hormones levels. It will pass.

[Jacqueline]

Hi Cammy,

Sorry you are going through a rough emotional time. However, congratulations on that huge moment. I hope it all evens out soon.

Is it possible you had another account on the site? It is against site policy to have two open accounts. It's not a problem if you did. Please post in this topic and we can take care of it from there.

Thanks for sharing your personal experience. It is brave.

With warmth,

Jacqui

[marctravis]

My spouse is also 3 months post op with surgery in May of this year. She is also experiencing a bit of depression and frustration related to healing and dilation. She is so tired and just wants to be better. A recent infection made it worse, although she's on the mend now.
She has started crying pretty easily too. I guess it's just a normal part of it. Prior to getting back on hormones, after surgery, she would cry all the time. So, it has improved already.

[Rachel]

I had post op depression for about a month. I thought I was going to not get it but about 3 weeks post op it hit. I think getting out or doing something for yourself routinely can help. I think getting back into a routine helped me as well as getting back into community.

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Cammy,

I fell into depression the day after surgery, triggered by some things my surgeon said to me, and it took me a couple of weeks to finally get a hold of myself. 

Ironically, my depression served a positive purpose. It forced me to refocus on why I wanted SRS and what my goals were.  Once I did that my mental state improved quite a bit. I think part of the reason for my depression was self-induced. I created unreasonable expectations for myself. I saw SRS as the crowning glory of my transition, akin to graduation day, complete with a parade with rainbows and unicorns. I'm being a bit sarcastic, of course, but it was accurate to say that I did not have any huge feeling of accomplishment or gratification, and it was a disappointing realization.  SRS was just another painful but necessary medical procedure I had to endure.

While my mental state is much improved, I am still under stress because I have to go back to work before I am ready, and because dilation is so taxing, mentally and physically. But this, too, shall pass.

I am sure that in a few months, life will not be as stressful and I will finally find that sense of gratification and accomplishment I was looking for.  I know that sitting here, writing about being post-op, was unimaginable to me only a couple of years ago.  I have come so far, much farther than I ever thought possible, and that my life's dream of living my life as just another woman is becoming a reality.  I have much to be grateful for.

As my friend Ashley would say, "Onward we go, brave sister!"

With kindness,

Terri

[Chrissym]

Hi Cammy

I had post op depression for probably about 4-5 months. I was still living outwardly as a man at the time and coming home after sugery and re-entering my male life just made me question what had I done??  On top of that i had my SRS all on my own so no one knew and so everyday i was using a hand mirror to check down there and google everything i could think of. I had the same experience as you in finding some bumps in my vagina but they cleared up within a week thankful as i wasnt game to see a local doctor and explain my situation.

To be honest i cant remember exactly when i stopped being depressed about it but i think it was about 5 months post op after i had finally healed enough for all the swelling to go down. I walking out of the shower and saw my refelection in the mirror and for the first time in my life i felt normal. Sure there is a long way to go and I am far from femimine but I was actually comfortable with looking down there and I had hope for the future.

So yeah while everyones experience is unique, just give it time. Outside pressures can make things so much harder but ultimately if it was the right thing to do, it will all work out.