So I started on spiro a month ago, and estradiol one week ago today, on what would be considered a half dose. I was looking for "low dose" but ended up on a half dose under the theory that I want to make a go-forward decision/plan after 30 days, so what's the harm?
Ok so, holy moly, the mental and emotional changes are profound! I wish I had done this when I first recognized and was diagnosed as trans fifteen years ago. Back then, hormones were scary and the gatekeepers were many. This time, I walked into my doc and said "I want hormones" and voila, bloodwork and a prescription (and an overly helpful/nosy pharmacist... different story!).
I was completely not buying into the whole euphoria thing, the whole "your world will rock" thing, but it is and it does. I was actually a bit disappointed on day 1 because I didn't feel anything. I took the double dose around 7pm with a bottle of wine that I shared with my wife, appropriately called "Apothic Dark". The next day however, I just felt ... amazing? I can't describe it other than I went two entire days without any dysphoria, without any little voice in the back of my head saying "why weren't you born a girl? God why did you do this to me?". That's new. That's pretty cool. Suddenly I'm super productive and focused at work because I can direct all of my attention to the task at hand.
I know it's been only a week, and on a reduced dose, but it's enough to be affirmation that I need to do this. I am slowly becoming comfortable with that statement. And that's a really empowering, exciting, and scary thing to be honest.
My wife pointed out a few other things - I am swearing less, and using euphemisms more (weird, right?), generally happier and more content, have more energy and more social. That all scares her, but it seems she came to the conclusion that I am going to transition before I did.
I did notice that from day 2, my chest hurts. Not in the way I have heard described here similar to a golf ball behind the breasts, but more of a general aching sensation. Suddenly, the material of my undershirt (I work in a semi-formal environment) matters whereas before I could not say with certainty that I could feel my shirt on my chest without thinking about it. Within the last day or two, I also noticed that I'm on the verge of tears several times a day. This is going to take some getting used to, but is welcome.
I also did not expect to be hungry. All. The. Time. Like, ravenously hungry in the evening hours. I discovered that this is most likely because the E dose is split, and I was more like 14 hours apart than 12 due to my commuting schedule (Up at 3:30am, drugs at 5, train at 6, work, train at 5, home at 7, drugs at 7:30). I changed to nearly exactly 12 hours and the hunger greatly subsided, though I am still eating a full container of pickles every night, which I attribute more to the spiro than anything else. I am sodium intolerant, so eating sodium rich foods is a bit of a new thing and my diet is generally as low sodium as humanly possible.
I am a fairly thing person at this point - a year ago I was 265 pounds, and am now 145 through diet and exercise. I have lost 2 pounds in the last week without trying, so despite the hunger I am losing some weight. I attribute this to the E but could just be that I'm feeling like I'm eating more, but in reality not.
Overall, I'm really pleased, excited, and scared by how the E is affecting me. I was really hoping that things would just feel wrong and conclude that trans was not the real problem, but it seems that is not the case. My dose will be going to transition levels in three weeks, and I am now optimistic that I will mentally be in a better place, but more pessimistic than ever about the outlook with my spouse.
