Attitudes toward old people

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone. My next door neighbor is an 80 year old lady named Flossy. ( it's her real name. She's from Georgia)  We are talking about a very active and very sharp 80 year old. I vacuum for her because it's hard for her to do that one thing. She does all her other housework herself and keeps her house spotless. When I cook I take her a plate of food. She's fully capable of cooking, actually she taught me to cook southern food, but she's not going to go to the trouble of cooking elaborate stuff just for herself so I take her a plate of food. Her daughter is here from California visiting her. She's talked about her daughter but as far as I know this is the first time she's visited her mother at least in my lifetime. So she introduced herself and said her mother had talked about me and she thanked me for doing stuff for her mom. So after she did small talk for a couple of minutes she told me she was trying to get her mom to go to a nursing home. I asked her why. She said because it was dangerous for her to live alone and she needed to be someplace where they could take car of her. I told her she took very good care of herself. She said "well just look at all the stuff you have to do for her"  Vacuuming her house once a week is "all that stuff"?? Then she said she worries about her mother living all alone and that it's dangerous. What's dangerous? It's not like the woman is smoke jumping into forest fires or something. I reminded her that she has a cop living right next door and that he checks on her all the time.  I could understand if Flossy was in bad health or had dementia or something, but this is a healthy, very active woman.

Then she said " the fact is my mother's useful days are over" . I asked her if she had just actually said that. She said " well you know what I mean". I told her no, I didn't know what she meant. She said that that's just how it is when people get a certain age. It's not like the daughter is exactly brand new herself! She said she had her mother's best interest at heart. More like shove her in a home,  loot her house and forget about her. I excused myself and came in. I was on the verge of saying something extremely nasty. It really bothers me when people act like someone becomes useless because they are old. Just stick them in a home and you don't have to think about them anymore.  Why even go to that much trouble? You could Just have them euthanized like you would an old dog.

The more experience I have with people the more I realize how much they suck!

[Megan.]

My mum has treated me like s**t since I came out,  but I'd still never treat her like that; she's still my mum,  and more importantly a human being!

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[Gertrude]

It's not about her mother, but her. It could be she doesn't want to feel guilty if something happened to her mom or it could be she wants to acquire her moms property now or doesn't trust others around her mom for a variety of reasons. If she's competent and mobile, there's no reason to put her in a home. That may send her downhill quicker. Ultimately, it's not up to you or her daughter. My mom took care of her mom until she died. Grandma lived with us and had dementia too, ultimately dying of a stroke at 79. My uncles wanted to put grandma in an old folks home, but my mom wouldn't here of it. It was the sister in laws that were pushing for it. They wouldn't take grandma in. People today don't have sand like that. I would never have put my parents in a home.


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[Laurie]

The more experience I have with people the more I realize how much they suck!

Julia,

  I will agree that IMO Flossy's daughter appears to suffer form insensitivity. You however do not know her story and thing between her and her mom may not be what you might think they are. As insensitive as it sounds I am sure that she feels what she proposes to do in her mind is the best thing for Flossy.

  I don't like people in general myself, but not all people are bad. Just look at all the compassionate folks we have here on Susan's Place. The sampling I have been blessed to meet are all wonderful kind people. I hope to meet more and I think that assessment will hold true. Have faith in a person until such time as they prove themselves different.

laurie

[SailorMars1994]

Julia you are amazing and a valued member here at Susans.  Just had to tell ya.

Heres the truth. We dont know the past relationship they have had growing up. Judging by what you told me it sounds like Flossys daughter is spoiled and has a fowl view of the elderly ''past her usefullness?!! outrageous''. By the looks of what you have said it does seem the daughter is a spoiled selfish woman who needs a reality check, BUT! we also dont know where such an ugly reaction came from. Was she indeed spoiled, or is there more to the story that makes her act that way towards her mom? ugly yes, but who knows what their relationship has been back and forth for 50 odd years (assuming the age here)


Indeed, I would want to flip my lid too and probably would. But again, we are not in the families lifes.

[Ryuichi13]

[emoji35] That SUCKS!

What a lot of people don't realise is that often, when you take an elderly person away from their home and put them in a nursing home, they sometimes "give up."  They can stop eating, stop caring for themselves, become clinically depressed, catch opportunistic colds and die!  Iirc, its medically called "Failure to Thrive."  When I was actively working as a Paramedic, I used to take elderly people back and forth from the NH and various ERs, and I'd hear these horror stories, not only from NH nurses, but sometimes from the patients themselves.

Not to mention, even the cheapest NH can easily cost 4K+ A MONTH.  Poor Flossy will more than likely not only end up spending the money she would otherwise have in her house paying for the NH, but chances are, also spending her kids' inheritance, and then the kids' will also end up paying for it as well.  24 hour care is EXPENSIVE!

If this daughter REALLY wants to put her Mom in a NH, the daughter will end up regretting that descision before too long, one way or the other.

If you're the hugging type, hug Flossy for me, okay?  I wish her the best of luck.  She's so lucky to have such kind, caring neighbors.

Ryuichi

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[Julia1996]

It's true that I don't know their past relationship but I can't imagine anything that would justify her daughter being like that. My mother and I have never gotten along. To be honest I really can't stand her as a person. I'm quite sure when the time comes she would want to live with my brother who's always been her favorite and her pride and joy. But if that wasn't possible I would have her live with me before I would shove her into a nursing home. It doesn't matter that I don't get along with her. She's still my mother. I wouldn't even put my grandpa in a home. But in his case I don't think that would be an option. After he had been in there for 24 hours, they would expel him and  call and tell us to come and get him before they press charges.

[Nora Kayte]

People suck. And she sucks. I'm not going to sugar coat it. She's a selfish female dog in heat. I don't care about the past. My mom was not perfect. But no way she would have been in a home. She lived with me and then my sister until she passed. She was not a nice person sometimes. But we loved her and did our best for her.

Thank god Flossy has her wits about her. No way she can be forced into a home. And she does not deserve to be. Neighbors do for each other. Julia vacuuming for her is no different than if I went there to fix her car. It's something she can't do herself. So someone else does it. Had to be hard to walk away without slapping her. We are not all like that in California.


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[Ryuichi13]

After hearing the horror stories of what its like to have a loved one in a NH, I swore that "Mom will never see the inside of one unles she's visiting someone or is there for rehab."  Last Sept, she had a stroke and ended up in one. My sibs went there every day they could to visit her while she recovered. 

But let me tell you, I was all ready to move from Connecticut back home to Ohio if she hadn't recovered!

Ryuichi



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[elkie-t]

Elder care houses are all different... Some are assisted living and don't look like hospital or jail. And I am not sure if Flossy's daughter is actually as bad/spoiled as it sounds.

If I were in Flossy's shoes, I would hesitantly agree to shop assisted living facilities around without any commitment. If I like one, I would consider moving in (but who will pay for the expenses there? Will it be a reverse mortgage on home or government? In either case, I wouldn't sell the house just yet).

And I might as well bring up a possibility to hiring some home health aid (full or part time). Again, who will be paying for it? If Flossy's daughter is eager to help financially, sure why not? Otherwise, 'thanks but no thanks'.


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[stephaniec]

my sisters kept trying to put my dad into a nursing home behind my back because I was taking care of him. They just wanted the property.

[Julia1996]

Elder care houses are all different... Some are assisted living and don't look like hospital or jail. And I am not sure if Flossy's daughter is actually as bad/spoiled as it sounds.

If I were in Flossy's shoes, I would hesitantly agree to shop assisted living facilities around without any commitment. If I like one, I would consider moving in (but who will pay for the expenses there? Will it be a reverse mortgage on home or government? In either case, I wouldn't sell the house just yet).

And I might as well bring up a possibility to hiring some home health aid (full or part time). Again, who will be paying for it? If Flossy's daughter is eager to help financially, sure why not? Otherwise, 'thanks but no thanks'.


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She doesn't need a home health aid. She's in very good health and very active. I've seen a nursing home. It was a awful and depressing place. My great aunt was in a nursing home after she had a stroke. We used to visit her a lot before she died. I liked visiting her but I hated being in that place. I never saw one person who looked happy. Like Ryuichi said they looked beaten and hopeless. One incident that really upset me was once when we went to see my aunt. There was a woman in a wheelchair outside the main entrance and off to the side where they had benches. I told a nurse that she was just sitting out there alone and she told me she was out there waiting for her son to come. I said I hoped he came soon because it was cold out. She said he wasn't coming. She said he always told her he was coming to visit when she talked to him on the phone but he never actually showed up. She said he did that a lot.She said that woman would stay out there all day and watch for him and that they had to make her come in when it got dark. That just totally broke my heart. I had to go into the restroom until I could stop crying. It was so awful! I can't imagine someone doing that no matter what his past relationship with his mother had been. That's just evil.

[elkie-t]

Her daughter might be uncomfortable with the idea that if anything happens to her mom due to her old age, there will be no body to find it out and help. My grandma had a stroke and was found out hours later, and my mom checked on her every day...

I'd say some home health aid might be a good option even if the lady is in good health now.


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[Charlotte F]

I get the feeling, if my family is anything to go by, that sometimes putting an ageing relative in a care home can ease the guilt of not being there to look after them personally.  I'm sure it's not meant in a mean way (although it does kind of feel that way to me)

My uncle & his wife wanted to move away from the area and so put his mother-in-law into a nursing home and tried the same with his mother (my Grandma).   She wasn't interested and with the support of my parents, lived out her days in her own home.  I've visited plenty of care homes over the years and even the best ones aren't somewhere I would ever want to end up in either

I'd say Flossy is very lucky to have you and your Dad next door looking out for her

[Artesia]

I'm sorry about this experience.  I worked in a nursing home as a Dietary Manager.  I worked vary hard to give my residents a good experience.  The ones that are typically the unhappiest, are the one's whose families and friends never visit.  We have had a couple dump and runs, both told me later that their family sold off their home and all their property.  Dementia was not diagnosed in either of these peoples records.  I have seen first hand how quickly people decay once placed in a nursing home, and left alone.  I could only do so much to make them feel loved.  At least they ate very well, my buildings biggest problem was weight gains, rather than the usual industries issue of weight loss.

[Julia1996]

I'm sorry about this experience.  I worked in a nursing home as a Dietary Manager.  I worked vary hard to give my residents a good experience.  The ones that are typically the unhappiest, are the one's whose families and friends never visit.  We have had a couple dump and runs, both told me later that their family sold off their home and all their property.  Dementia was not diagnosed in either of these peoples records.  I have seen first hand how quickly people decay once placed in a nursing home, and left alone.  I could only do so much to make them feel loved.  At least they ate very well, my buildings biggest problem was weight gains, rather than the usual industries issue of weight loss.

They were very lucky to have someone like you to care for them. I'm sure you made a difference in their lives.

[Red Lion]

My mom is probably one of the biggest sources of stress and discomfort in my life. She's also completely incapable of caring for herself. She can't drive, she can't work, she cant even walk more than a few paces before she has to sit. She still refuses to quit smoking even though it's literally killing her. She's only 50 and even now she's more than I can handle taking care of. Not to mention she is extremely abusive and very anti LGBT, so spending any length of time with her is a strain on my mental health. I feel like the conversation for having her sent to a home is only another year or so away and when that comes up I'll probably be relieved to let her go.

So if your 80 year old friend doesn't need anyone to do anything but vacuum for her once a week and she has good neighbors keeping an eye on her, I think she's probably fine to stay in her own house. The daughter does seem really insensitive, though, but I think the best you can do is assure her that her mom is fine. She can't MAKE the woman go to a home against her will.

[Artesia]

They were very lucky to have someone like you to care for them. I'm sure you made a difference in their lives.

Thank you.  You have been are better than I in the caring of others.  You are far sweeter, and pleasant than I.  I just tried to make a small segment of people feel better, you seem to bring joy with you wherever you roam.  I love reading of your interactions with others in real life, and seeing the compassion you bring to those here.

I've said it before, somewhere, but you are beautiful inside and out.  A rare person in this world.

[Kylo]

Compared to other cultures, we do seem to have a lack of respect for the elderly.

My family at least chose to look after my great grandparents rather than putting them in a home, but I know plenty who just wanted to get rid of their senile or housebound relatives ASAP. The idea you eventually become an inconvenience to your own kids is pretty sad.

[JulieOnHerWay]

Julia, once again you did it right.  Gives me, being older, hope that you kids are alright. 
It is wonderful that she only needs help with vacuuming and the occasional plate of food.  And I bet despite your not cooking southern very well your cooking is always appreciated and complimented.  An aside hint.  Drop the idea of her helping you cook a meal. She will be so happy and will give you so many tips your head will spin.  But you will end up opening the only Trans-owned Southern cooking restaurant in Calif.  And you will be so rich (in many ways).
Learn the tricks of those awesome mash potatoes, cook black eyed peas right, fry those pork chops so good, how to make greens edible, a pot roast to die for and can't forget how to make the world best biscuits.  All that is next door.  So easily and joyfully available.  Heck soon enough you will be cooking every meal there and carrying a plate to your father and brother. 
So don't worry to much about that daughter.  Enjoy and learn how to cook southern (I bet her daughter does not know).  You will add so much life to her everyday she will live on for another 100 years and the grim reaper will be fat and happy eating hers and yours cooking and not interested in finishing this job.
And give Flossy a big ole hug from me please, while whispering in her ear "you go girl".