Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 12:43:02 AM
I'm too much of a coward to do number 2. I'm beyond help anyway. I think I'm going insane because I can't take it anymore.
While I never contemplated suicide (my mother tried to commit suicide during my parents' divorce, and the impact that had left me quite hostile to the notion), I "chose" to become a shut-in for a decade because of these fears. I felt the same way you do, that I was a coward. I was ravaged by anxiety (hereditary and due to trans issue alike), retreating into video games and trying desperately to avoid deeper thoughts. It's true, there's rarely an easy path out. For me it took another traumatic experience in taking care of my mother before she passed away due to cancer to shake me awake (not directly to the trans issue, but to other things that set me on the path to it).
Why do I bring this up? Well, I surprised myself. I'm still scared out of my mind on the best of days, but I'm winning out over that fear/my "cowardice" one day at a time. The idea of transitioning without being able to pass eats at me constantly. But no matter how bad it may seem, I now feel hope is not lost. It took a horrible experience for me to find the strength to deal with my issues. And if someone like me can find hope, so can you, because I was a lost cause if there ever was one. It might take something huge in your life to push you to that point (hopefully not as bad as mine was :x), you might find your courage through therapy and support as others have spoken of, or you might just wake up one day and a switch will go off in your brain. The important thing to remember is that things can get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Virtually everyone here is living proof of that.
And the worries about the friend issue? I get it, I have zero friends. Literally, none that aren't related to me somehow. It sucks. Even online friends I haven't spoken to in a few years now. Even my best friends in the past just sort of drifted away. And frankly, the friend you are trying to hold onto so bad will probably go his own way at some point regardless of this. Jobs, girl/boyfriends, children, moving, or just finding divergent interests happen constantly. That's just life, don't sacrifice your future for what seems to be a somewhat questionable friend now. I know this sounds depressing, but this isn't even a trans issue, it's just a life issue. But even then, it's not hopeless. My mother had two best friends when she was in her teens and college. Life got in the way, and they fell out of touch. But yet 45 years later, they reconnected and picked up right where they left off. That's how true friendship tends to work. With any luck we both will find true friends that value us for ourselves, that we don't cling to out of fear of being alone. And even then if life gets in the way, it doesn't have to get in the way forever.
