Dealing With Shame and Judgment

[Dani Rae]

Recently the topics of shame and judging myself have been coming up frequently in therapy. It makes it difficult to talk about certain topics, like my goals for physical transition. I was thinking about doing a Gestalt two chair exercise. Basically you use two chairs to have a conversation between different parts of yourself, moving between chairs when you switch sides. My therapist thought it was a good idea, but I've been putting off actually doing it. I was wondering how other people have dealt with shame, judgment, or internalized transphobia. Are there any practices or exercises that you have found to be helpful? Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

-Dani Rae

[JoanneB]

I had a good 50 years of accumulated Shame & Guilt (plus add in Irish Catholic background). In other words I had an emotional garbage dump filled with it. What has helped me to shed a good part of it was/is coming to accept myself for who & what I am. Both pretty difficult tasks when you've been hiding from or burying any thoughts towards figuring that stuff out. Once I took actual ownership of being trans, not just on an intellectual level which was a no-brainer, but rather on a deep emotional level, the Shame & Guilt began melting away.

They still plague me somewhat today, some 8 years later, as does the internalized transphobia which arguably is a bit of a healthy thing. Like paranoia, are you being paranoid when you know they are out to get you? I grew up being a big fat target for plenty of non-trans things and know all too well what most of mankind (and especially male-kind) think of "those people".

"Practices & Exercises"?  Reveling at being out in the real world as the real authentic you. Own the positive feelings and leave the negative ones behind. You can only have some control over what you think, feel and react to others. You have absolutely no control over them at all.

[Kylo]

I didn't experience much in the way of shame, judgement or transphobia, but perhaps that's because a) I didn't choose to be trans and b) I don't see much "wrong" with being trans in the first place.

If I had committed some sort of crime, like stealing - which is both a choice and wronging someone else, I should rightly feel ashamed to have done it. But being trans does neither, and not deliberately. Therefore - why should I be feeling shame or disgust for being something I have no control over?

There are some who feel ashamed because their family and friends will have to "suffer the judgement" of others because of them... which is understandable - if something awful happens to someone else because of you then I can see why one should feel negatively about it. But even so, we know it isn't right to expect someone with a disability or some other disease or condition to keep it hidden and suffer purely because someone else might sniff at it. What's right and good is for them to seek treatment and become healthy again. Fortunately being trans is not quite like a terminal disease or disfigurement in the sense it can often be treated and the person can go on and live a much better life. Any doctor whose medical oath is to heal and make well again would advise you the same thing - do what is necessary to heal and save the patient. The doctor sees no shame in that; neither should a trans person.