Happy, so happy and very sad too.

[Siobhan Amanda]

Hi everyone! For the last months I've been finding your posts invaluable. I'm 46 and have recently come out to myself and wife. I'm seeing a therapist at the Brisbane gender clinic soon. I love my wife but she's devastated, she'd not seen it coming and to some extent neither had I. I never realised that I identified as female or even could do something about it, hating puberty ,shaving my legs to starve it off before finally caving in to the inevitability of becoming a man. I've had depression ( untreated) for many many years and have self treated with obsession, guitarist, cycle racing, restoring Land Rover, making shoes... the list is endless. I've recently start spiro and a low dose of e ( 6weeks) with a view to see if it made , well felt any different and kinda hoping for and against for different reasons. OMG  my depression has vanished, I can taste food, the air seems better!, Land Rover stuff is on hold but I love my cycling again, aches have gone. My pyroluria symptoms at least have gone and I can feel real emotions for what seems like the first time in decades. I don't want this to stop but my wife is a lovely, beautiful person, it's tearing her up hence tearing me too but I'm scared off going back to how I was, drinking to dull the pain,buying things to..dull the pain ,more than a little self hurt to try to just feel something that I could truly own.
I know the road in front is unknown now but the verges are finally pretty and before I felt I was marching uphill on a glue covered road to somewhere I didn't want to be.
Anyway a big thanks to all your posts.
Jenni to be

[Devlyn]

Welcome to Susan's Place, Jenni! That's a lovely first post. Your words are already helping someone else. Thanks for helping build the site. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Siobhan Amanda]

Thanks Devlyn Marie 😊

[JoanneB]

Sounds a lot like my life. I relied on the 3D's of Diversions, Distractions, & denial for decades to "Get by". My wife always knew I had gender issues and settled on being just a CD.  At 6ftt tall, big frog hands, giant sized feet, deeper then average guy's voice and balding since 14, what option did I have 40 years ago?  OK Food and booze was also an option to "Quiet the Noise".  I also relied on my on/off low dose HRT periods lasting weeks to a few months for the much needed "Brain Reset" which helped me keep on plodding along for a few more years

I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife 8 years ago. I realized how horrible myself and my life became because of how I was NOT handling being trans. I started my low dose E & AA and life got better. Found a fantastic support group, and started the hard work of fixing myself from the inside. After 2 utter fail transition experiments in my past a 3rd was totally out. After my 3rd support group meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell my wife what was up. Needles to say she wasn't thrilled about this sort of escalation.

On the plus side over time, actually fairly quickly, she began to see how much I was growing as a person. That helped a lot to offset the feelings of betrayal, etc. that to this day still linger. Today I am no longer that lifeless, soulless "Thing" I morphed into. Having feelings and emotions has it's down sides. But they are minuscule in comparison to actually liking living in my own skin and feeling like a for real person

[Siobhan Amanda]

Thanks for that Joanne! Yes dropping the T bomb here was hard, probably, no def the hardest conversation I've ever had to make.  I hope she sees me as happy in myself soon. I'm feeling lucky too that my best friend is also my doctor and he's totally excepted me if a little surprised.
I can't get over really how it hit me but when it did stuff in my life made much more sense.

[Chloe]

 broage, your short intro rings remotely familiar. Been almost 40 years since I struggled with such thoughts. The only thing I can suggest is there's a subtle, important difference between identifying with female as opposed to as female, the former being perfectly natural especially in younger, adolescent men.

Welcome to Australian 'mid-life crisis"? I used drugs in the past it's great if you can give up drinking!! I pray your spouse appreciates the changes . . .

[Cindy]

Hello broage,

I'm in sunny Adelaide and one of many Aussies here. Welcome Hon.

I think your intro hit on points many of us have lived with.

I do know that the Brisbane gender team are very good and you will get lots of help from them.

Dealing with the relationship issues are the most difficult and keeping open and honest communication going is essential. Your partner will be going through a very hard time and please keep her feelings close to you.

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[Antonia J]

Welcome Broage,

I am 46 yrs old, also, and wish I could give you a hug and share a beer with you. It is a really hard journey, and I had a similar path to yours four years ago. I blogged about it here if you care to read some what it was like coming out to my wife and the aftermath: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,469.0.html

I will share from my perspective there I felt a lot of pressure early on to think of life in the binary -- I am "male' or "female"....I must transition or not transition...I must come out to the world or stay in the closet. HRT will raise eyebrows at some point as features blend, but honestly, you get to decide what transition means to you. There is no right way to be transgender or transsexual. Just keep an open mind, and if it feels right, then wade into the pool a little further. If not, then step back.

And the other item I would share is to practice self-care religiously while you are going through this really terrible patch with your wife, and the changes of HRT. Sleep well, eat healthy, exercise, and go for walks, if you can. All of thee are hard to do, and I got into a lot of trouble when I ignored them (and landed in a psych hospital with a breakdown due to stress). Most of all - be kind to yourself, and know that you don't have to have all the answers right now. Nor should you. It is not your fault. You have a right to explore who you want to be, and who you are. Your wife's path is her own, and she has to decide what is right for her. It is painful. There is love and beauty on the other side.

Here is my update, as I recently joined Susan's again: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228191.msg2023518.html#msg2023518

I am remarried, my life is a lot better, and I would not go back at all. The loss is bittersweet, but my ex moved on as did I. Be good to yourself. The pain and hardship will last longer than you want it to, but sunshine will break through the clouds again. 

Welcome to Susan's!

Best,

Toni

[Siobhan Amanda]

Hi Kiera, Good morning down in Adelaide Cindy, thanks for your welcome and helpful (lovely) words it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I'm sure the drinking won't be an issue now , it's very hard to combat something when you're at conflict with yourself and hoping my wife appreciates any positive changes but we'll see. Thanks for the message hug Cindy it was needed😊. I've often been impatient up to this point but have found a lot of patience in the last weeks which will I'm sure benefit me in transition ( I imagine it's essential).

[Siobhan Amanda]

Hi Toni, welcome back and thanks for kind words!, you're blog is amazing and I've started reading this morning. Happy anniversary by the way😀.