Trying to Date as a Nonbinary Person

[Dani Rae]

So I'm trying to date for the first time since I've been out and started to transition. For background, I'm AMAB and identify as transfeminine. I'm physically transitioning to have a feminine body. I'm mostly attracted to women and femme identified people.

I recently asked a girl I know to go to a show for a local band that we both know. She said she would love to if she doesn't have to work. Basically I'm just anxious and driving myself nuts. I think I have picked up some signs that she might be interested, but I'm not very good at that. Also, I don't know if she knows I was trying to ask her out, so I don't know if it's really a date. I think she is either gay or bi, but I'm not sure. Even if I knew, I have no idea if I fit into her preferences. Lastly, I have no idea how to date as a nonbinary person. I wasn't good at dating before I realized and came out as nonbinary. Now I have no idea how any of it would work if it starts to go anywhere. What role do I take? How would any kind of physical intimacy work?

I know I'm thinking way too much and projecting. I just kinda wanted to get it out of my head.

[Averyel]

It's tempting to try to work within your idea of how dating rules work. I think I cans say, as a NB person who's dated both binary sexes and a variety of genders; Forget the rules.

This girl is a unique human. She makes her own rules. You need to figure out her rules by getting to know her. Whether it counts as a date or not doesn't matter. If she likes you, she likes you, and it will be easy to spend more time with her. If she doesn't like you, it will difficult to get time with her.

Be open to the idea of being friends or being partners or being whatever works for both of you. Getting to know someone else is getting to look into a different world than yours, and should be treasured.

Just be you and have fun. You're not 'dating as a nb', you're dating as -yourself-, which is far more complex. The more sincere you can be the easier it will be.

[Dani Rae]

Part of what I think is making it difficult for me is the loss of "rules." It's my first time dating without having the cishetero script to follow. So it's all very new. I'm also confronting, in a very real and emotional way, the loss of heterosexual privilege. I'm now realizing at an emotional level that I no longer have the privilege of assuming that a person that I'm interested in will be attracted to people of my gender. I knew it intellectually, but I'm experiencing it now.

I guess it feels like trying to date for the first time ever. I know it's a big step and will most likely be an opportunity for growth regardless of the outcome.