Relationships

[Pupa4Clownfish]

I have a question for some of you whom this discussion may apply to. Lately I have been trying to sort out my feelings on sexuality and romance and have run into a little pickle. I find women sexually attractive, but in my mind I can only see myself building a life together with men. However, I've never found men to be sexually attractive. In the past, I have always received a lot of attention from gay men and I have to say I liked the attention, but I could never reciprocate. This leads me to wonder if my attraction to women is a biological thing that would be "corrected" (for lack of a better word) once I medically transition to better match my romantic attraction to receiving a man's affection. It also makes me think I may seriously like women but part of me is "brainwashed" (for lack of a better word) into thinking a woman should be with a man. It feels impossible to start any new relationships until I sort this out since I don't even know what to be looking for.


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[BlueJaye]

Reading some similar threads on here, it seems the majority of people don't have a major change in sexual orientation after transition.

I can only speak for myself, but if I ever transition completely I am very confident that I would remain attracted to women.

[Michelle_P]

Well, like so much else, the gender related attractions between people has more to it than the binary Western culture insists on.

There is both romantic attraction and sexual attraction, and they might not be lined up quite the same!  Persons may experience romantic attraction towards someone with whom they do not feel sexual attraction, and vice versa.  A person may be asexual, no sexual attraction towards anyone, yet still experience romantic attraction.

But wait, there's more!  Before coming out, many of us were trying to fit our cultural model, expressing and admitting only strict binary attraction.  In coming out, our introspection and self-discovery may reveal a broader range of attraction than we once admitted to.

A fair fraction of folks going into transition experience a 'change' in orientation, as they ultimately uncover new aspects of an underlying orientation broader than the traditional binary.

I've experienced most of this personally within myself and in interactions with others.  It's definitely eye-opening, and I find that if I am honest with myself, I wouldn't mind a pansexual romantic attraction, experiencing romantic attraction with other human beings, without regard to cultural labels.  I'm not far enough along to know for sure where I may find myself in a few years. 

[Sarah77]

I'm really interested in this topic as I'm married to a woman. I've found it harder to perform my "male" duties as years go by..i basically pretend I'm the woman.

If I did transition I wonder how I would find sex with men? If I can be the woman will I "switch" sexuality?

Hard to know..oossibly years of conditioning. I also find a lot of men gross..but not women

[josie76]

I have had similar issues as the original poster. These are things I spent some time in deep thought trying to understand. Like you I have only ever found women physically attractive. However there are what I describe as deep basic female instincts in my head. There's this idea of longing for a man's touch and to feel treated as a woman by a man. The instincts for me tie together with a maternal want for children. These go deeper still. Despite exploring these instincts I could never put it together with sexual attraction. Even after deciding to transition and finally allowing myself to believe I am a real woman, I still cannot put the two together. Honestly it would be easier if I could have but my sexual attraction simply does not match the rest of my instinctual drives.

So, scientifically it does make some sense. Our brains get wired at different times of gestation. Our primary gender wiring happens before the end of the second trimester while our sexual attraction gets set near the end of the third. It's all dependent on androgen hormone levels in our bodies at that time.

[KathyLauren]

I have always had a low sex drive, but what I have had has always been towards women.  I have always found men kind of icky, even when I was trying to be one.  Now that I have transitioned socially, I find that that has not changed.

Sexual attraction is a very personal thing, and there are all possible varieties.  So there are no rules that you have to follow (other than mutual consent, of course).

Pupa4Clownfish, this is the kind of dilemma that a therapist can help you to unravel.  If you are not already seeing one, I would recommend it.  Any good therapist can help with this, but a properly qualified gender therapist would probably be the most helpful.

[Kylo]

I'm almost as you described except I also find men sexually attractive. I just figure women and men have different types of sexual appeal for me and are attractive in different ways. I can say that this view never changed my whole life and hasn't changed being on HRT either - I don't think you can "correct" it. It's biological wiring, you are either attracted to something or you aren't, and the hormone levels you take will affect how much you think about it or need it. You could try platonic relationships or just experiment anyway and see if you actually don't mind being with a man. If you think you've been conditioned, you can possibly break that by trying something different. That's within your control whereas the actual underlying mechanics of attraction isn't.