HISTORY
My first exploration of gender was about age 13 or 14. I started realising that not only was I beginning to experience attraction to women, but had an interest in certain things about the way they looked and dressed. I felt that maybe I wanted some of those things for myself, and I started looking at women's clothes in catalogues, partly to look for things I might like for myself, and partly to look at the models. Around the same time I looked into things about transexuals and sex change (it was the terminology I knew at the time). There were no stories which seemed real and relatable, it was too remote. The issue went to bed for 10 years.
Then I meet my partner. One day she casually told me that she'd like to see me in a wedding dress. Soon after I realised how much I liked that idea, and I told her so. I bought myself a dress and some boots to try. Wearing the dress gave me a thrill and a high. It felt so liberating. It made me want to experiment with more things. I tried a wig with my partner and eventually bought two myself. I tried makeup as well.
For a while it seemed just to be the clothing. But eventually I looked at things to do with being trans again and wondered if I fit into that category. I couldn't deny there was something going on, and I found the terms non-binary and genderfluid which helped explain some of my thoughts and feelings. Then I moved away to live with my partner. A year ago I discussed some of these issues with a transgender person. I felt a lot of what I had experienced was similar to her, and I began to consider that mayde I am a trans woman.
For better or worse gender has become common topic and more acceptable to talk about, which may have made it easier for me to consider it, but I worry others won't see it that way and claim I am doing it for attention.
Changes
At this point I am thinking a lot about my identity. I am not a different person, even if I do consider having a different name, dress differently, and consider changes to my body. I still like history, politics, sciences, and I still have my love of music. But as I say, I do want changes. Change my voice. Get rid of my facial hair. Have a full wardrobe. All things which are time consuming, expensive, and extremely emotional. I am considering the possibility of treatment including hormones and laser hair removal. I am not at a point yet where I am seriously considering surgery, perhaps due to fear of undergoing major operations.
Mental health
There are still times when it makes me feel awful. I feel dirty, or broken. It makes me dislike myself. It can trigger depressed bouts and sap away all my confidence. Other times it does not feel real. Why me? These things don't happen to me. Statistically very unlikely. But it happens to someone. I sometimes dislike myself because I am not feminine enough, other times I dislike myself because I have this side of me. It can be exceptionally distressing and lonely. It can also cause anxiety, fear, and a wish to withdraw from social interaction. If I am unable to present and express myself to others the way I truly wish then why should I bother at all?
Current Situation
Moving back to Wales has made me even more insecure, lacking the same support network I had when living in Norway. I do not have friends I can discuss things with in the same way, and it is proving to be a difficult topic to bring up with my family. I do not feel safe wearing the clothes I want to or expressing myself here in a way I could when living away. I am afraid of repercussions for myself and my family, particularly my younger brother who is already being bullied at school. At home I feel safe, but still not comfortable enough to present myself the way I wish to.
How I feel now:
At worst I feel a general disgust at my male appearance, personality, voice, genitals. I am bothered by my body shape, body hair, and facial hair.
More often I feel upset by the sight of my genitals, and wish they were gone.
Body hair often causes some minor distress at which point I will shave off as much as I can, even if it leaves parts of my skin red and sore and a few shaving cuts. Hair on my arms and legs bothers me the most often, but my back has the most potential to cause distress due to how thick the hair can be and how uneven it is.
Facial hair bothers me sometimes too, and I have spent a great deal of time looking in to how it can be concealed.
The part causing most bother for me is not overwhelming distress about one aspect of myself, but the thoughts that come up several times a day that I am not living the way I should be, that in a way a huge part of my life is being wasted. It's a nagging set of thoughts and feelings that are growing in intensity and frequency as time goes on and could develop into deeper distress.
I was once offered hormones by a friend, and seriously considered accepting them, but decided the health risks of taking medication without guidance were too great. I cannot be 100% certain that I would say no in the future.
Things I am doing now:
I have started experimenting from time to time with makeup, mostly for the purpose of covering facial hair, but I have experimented with eye makeup and other things too.
Clothing has so far been the easiest way to express myself. I continue wearing a dress at home on occasion, and probably would do so more often if it were not for feelings of awkwardness and the possibility of visitors. On many occasions when in Norway I would go out wearing tall (knee high or over the knee) boots. I have also started wearing high heels at home on occasion in order to practice. Wearing boots especially has given me confidence.
I have been working on feminising my voice and have been told I have the correct technique already, and simple need time to develop the ability to maintain it.
Many of my friends and associates in Norway know me only as a trans woman and know nothing of my "male side". Some other friends and associates there met me first as a woman and accepted me as such before I introduced my "male side".
I recently had a trans comic artist produce an illustration for me based on ideas of how I saw my future self looking.
Note: I have seen a doctor, and a psychiatrist. He thinks I'm confused about my gender because of depression etc.
Thanks in advance.
Lily
