Transitioned? How do you see your life and your old self?

[myraey]

Of course nostalgia is very nice. I am sure some good memories are fine. You have to separate all that from gender issues. I also think back how how some of the good days would have been if I were female. Many things I would be curious about how they would have been like. If I transitioned I am sure I would miss being male as well sometimes. Not every single second of my life has been miserable or been defined by gender issues. I think that does not mean transition is right or not right for someone

If you are transitioned you are probably used to your new normal. Does it just end up being normal? Do you still sometimes miss being male. Or see things which transition has given you? Do you sometimes notice how much the change has creeped into your life? Or sometimes end up wondering is that really me. And think what would the me from ten years ago think about something. It is something I really want to know what that would be like

I am not really that old. I wish I would have had dealt better with gender issues in my teens. What that would have been like I don't know. But those perspectives is what people transitioning in their teens or even younger miss out on. Everything comes with pluses and minuses.

[noleen111]

I cant even imagine being male anymore, now that I am all transitioned, its now normal. I feel like I was a girl all my life.

In the beginning there was a novelty, i was exciting to dress as noleen, but the novelty does wear off, not that I don't love being a woman. But putting on a bra and panty everyday is just normal. I use to taking a bit longer to get ready in the morning as I have put on makeup now and do my hair.

I adapted to female life very easily, but then I had my bff "training" me in the ways of the woman. She helped me adapt to my new life and helped me pass. Once I embraced my female self, things went well. My bff taught me about makeup, nail polish,female clothes, what to wear with what etc, (helped with passing) and even how to walk in heels, which was something i picked up quickly. (I really was clueless)/ But most most importantly she treated me like one of the girls.

THis new life and my old life are totally different.. As a guy I was shy and in my shell.. Now as a woman, I am outgoing and the life of the party. I dont miss being a male at all.

My only regret, I wish i could have being a teenage girl. I transitioned at 21, and I had to learn a lot of thing, girls normally learn in there teens. For example, most 21 year old girls can effortless walk in heels or how to apply makeup properly and know there way around the women section in a clothing shop. But I adapted quickly, now I a real girly girl.

[myraey]

Very nice.

I don't think I would be a very girly girl. Rather tomboyish. But I would like to emulate some girly traits. Like nice hair for example. I would have a definitely feminine style. I don't think I would like heels. I would want to try out some of that stuff just once properly. Although I would like try out having boobs and bikini on a beach  Many of these thoughts are not normal for males. I wonder if any of the non transgender male population would want to do that ever.

I wanted to try out figure skates when I was a kid. Back then it was very segregated. The tomboys would not like those white figure skates. I never got to try them out. I forbid myself from doing certain things I wanted. For example I would put up a pot flower on the table. Before I would not have done that mostly because I had a secret. I would have been extremely ashamed about that. Here it was not about the flower pot but something else entirely. Most people would not think about it that way but just see some decorative object.

Just being one of the girls is what causes me the most dysphoria. I would want to know what it is like. It is the most difficult to experience as well. It is worse for me than any of the issues with my body. I have seen plenty of misery on the other side of the fence as well. I don't think I have rose tinted glasses here either. It would be extra difficult for me as well. Socially interaction as a female I missed out. I am sure I would have been gender questioning as well if I had been born as a girl. But I wonder how I would have turned out. I would have probably tried to squeeze myself into another box. Some of it would have been okay , some not so much. I probably would be very different. I try to let my mind do somethings which I would not have done before because of my own gender barriers. And then look how I feel about it. Now I just wonder what do I really like. It is like being an explorer. You never went there before. And I discover things about me and I just wonder am I really thinking this. I am a bit afraid where I will end up if I open the flood gates. Still at this point the female is not entirely clear cut for me either.

[KathyLauren]

I am about five months into RLE and loving it.  Yes, my new life is rapidly becoming normal.  I get to do all the same regular stuff I used to do: grocery shopping, going to theatres, fixing stuff around the house, but I get to do it as myself.  Not having to hide who I am is the biggest benefit.

I never had any big "Aha!" moment when I started HRT, like some people do.  For me, it was just a gently mellow feeling, with a bit less mental static.  Pretty low-key.  So, sometimes I wonder if this new life is real.  It feels real enough, but the old doubt monster starts to growl.

Recently, though, I came up with a test to see how real it is.  I tried to imagine what it would be like to de-transition.  Oh, the horror!!!  The overwhelming feeling of revulsion I got when I even started to think that way gave me the answer I needed.  I can't ever go back.

My old male life was not all bad.  I got to some really cool stuff.  My first career was the most fun, and it was something that I could not have done (at that time) as a female: I was a pilot and flying instructor in the RCAF.  For some reason, notwithstanding Amelia Earhardt and Amy Johnson, the Air Force thought that one needed a penis to fly a plane.  The first female pilots only came through the training system in my final year there.  I couldn't have done that if I had already transitioned.

My life would have been a lot different if I had transitioned earlier.  But I don't have any real regrets.  All of that life, all of it, including the dysphoria, got me to where I am today, which is a really good place.

[FinallyMichelle]

Before I started transition I was sure there would be a time when I would think, "Oh my god, I can't believe that I am here." It never did happen though. It just is, just life. Like being a guy but without the anxiety, pain and fear. Maybe it happens too gradually to hit like winning the lottery. There never was a time where being female felt like it didn't fit. It is more normal, more right, than being male ever was. There are times that something hits me. I am not sure what it is or how to describe it. It's like living life without editing it to make everyone around you comfortable, to try to keep from standing out. That editing every moment that I had to be around people, wore me down to someone that barely felt human. Now living my life without that edit it just crashes against me sometimes;
I just spent hours in conversation, with many people, on many subjects and...
I did not lie or mislead or hide who I was. I was myself without guilt or fear.
I don't know a word for what I feel then.
Those are the only "Oh my god!" Moments I have experienced.

Um, the other part? Looking back to the good times and bad? Sometimes it's hard to make it work in my head. I don't look back with the pain that I once had so that is nice. For some reason it is very, very hard to see myself as male at all so I can not connect to my memories. I know they are real but they don't feel real, they don't feel like anything at all actually.

Like everything else in life, thought I have to think that transition is huge by anyone's standards 😊, we move on. Without regret hopefully, I certainly have had none.

Michelle

[JoanneB]

Old - A lifeless soulless "Thing" fueled by Shame & Guilt constantly striving to live up what my thoughts were of other people's expectations and then some.

New - A for real person with Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams able to see and experience the joy and wonderment of the world around me

[myraey]

I think just talking about dysphoria helps. It is one side which was always there.  I may not have thought about it every single second but it never went away. When people see me they assume things about me. A lot of it is right, some of it is wrong. I have been pointed at before for being effeminate. I have a high pitched voice for a male. Not often but it has happened. Most people do not assume such things about me. Having such unprocessed issues is very stressful. Perhaps this will go away if I would transition. But I fear I would have issues as well fitting in afterwards. I don't have to fit any box really. It would be bad especially if I would not pass that well. I separate the difficulties of transition from cause of this all. If I were 100% passable would I would be happy about any gender issues. I need to consider the real world as well .

I don't feel too ashamed or guilty anymore about this. This is a huge problem for me but nothing to be ashamed about. If I did something wrong or evil I should be ashamed in my opinion. This bad stuff was holding me back from this position for years and years. I thought about opening up about gender things in my teens.

If transitioning is working out for you I am very jealous of you. At least you know where you are heading.
I see transition as an option among many options. This was a huge mental step for me. I sort of can make being male work. I think I probably could make being a woman work as well. My dysphoria is increasing but at the same time my mind is always getting much more capable dealing with things. I need to do some more soul searching. I don't know what I am getting into. Baby steps forward

[myraey]

If I were 100% passable would I would be happy about any gender issues

. I edited my text badly. I struggle when I am stressed and try to do many things at once. That was a question I had. I was wondering about that. I think I would have some gender issues even if I turned into a woman overnight. But that does not answer the question if transition is for me or not.

Dreams I wondered about that as well. In most dreams I am male or genderless. I have tried to get more dreams where I am female. I quite like it for the novelty

[pretty pauline]

If you are transitioned you are probably used to your new normal. Does it just end up being normal? Do you still sometimes miss being male. Or see things which transition has given you? Do you sometimes notice how much the change has creeped into your life? Or sometimes end up wondering is that really me. And think what would the me from ten years ago think about something. It is something I really want to know what that would be like

As Noleen has said, it was very much a novelty in the beginning, finally getting rid of all traces of my old maleness and embracing becoming female, shopping for new outfits and fashion, or just going to the hair salon and getting my hair done, styled and colored, and enjoying just being girly, I was very inward as a male, was never 1 of the boys, now I'm very outgoing, lively and bubbly and very much 1 of the girls, mansplaining can really suck sometimes condescending and patronizing, treating me as if I am a complete airhead, but apart from that I don't miss being male.
Life does end up being normal, 10 years ago I'd never think I would have ended up as a married woman and married to a man, my life has changed so much, nothing extraordinary, just a very normal life, a housewife with a wonderful husband, but most of all, I'm me, a woman.