Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 12, 2017, 03:21:25 PM
So I decided to look for conversations I had with a friend 3 years ago when I came out to her as trans after my first attempt at therapy. I found the messages and OMG! It's like I'm stuck in the exact same place now! Everything I told her back then is what is happening to me at the moment (except this time I got a bit further than last time)...I realize that fear paralyzed me back then and it's paralyzing me now, making me doubt and rationalize and undermine my dysphoria to try and convince myself that I'm not trans enough to pursue transition.
Just wanted to share this strategy with all confused souls out there, if you have by any chance, any old conversations, text messages, written diary entries, anything that can remind you of what you thought and said in the past, it can be an enlightening experience.
I realized I need to do something about my fear so I don't keep repeating this pattern and ultimately wasting more time.
If I tried this I'd really be depressed. Plus I have the every weeks of playing "Broken Record" with my therapist. It's amazing, her patience, I would have clubbed me to death like a baby seal on the ice sheet if I were her
Life at the intersection of Hopelessness & Futility.
But, that is if I keep on choosing only to see the negatives. No doubt, in many ways my life is sort of "Stuck". In some ways on "Auto-Pilot" with plenty of "Have-Too's" and even more "Need-Too's" just to get by. To survive. Just like every other person that doesn't have a few wheelbarrows full of FU money and/or no life tightly intertwined with someone else. There is always that constant battle of Balance between Needs, Want's Hopes, Wishes, and Dreams.
In that respect we are a lot like so-called "Normal" people. Just different desires
Like a few others that already commented, I spent decades avoiding "The Fight". Just learning that you can't, that you NEED to take on the Trans-Beast, somehow, in some way, that makes your life work with minimum disruption. (Of course, this assumes the GD is not all consuming. It does not rule every hour of my day, and night ).
I had 2 utter-fail transition experiments in my long distant past. I was not up to a third, yet I knew, I learned an Absolute Truth; Everything else I tried Does Not Work. I took my first small baby-steps, followed by many many more. I won't lie and say seeing so many other of my support group new members come to their first ever meeting feeling a lot like I was and a year later living full-time did not bother me. Hell Yes it does. I also have different needs, far different from theirs and live a far different life.
I also can look back today and see another "Absolute Truth"; I am a far better person today then before. Perfect, no. Totally complicated? Hell Yes. Totally frustrating sometimes. Oh yes. Many aspects of my life the same as it was 8 years ago? For Sure. What now 60-Something cannot say that? OK Caitlin Jenner maybe, but there is that wheelbarrow of FU money thingy she got going for her.
Is my life today where I want it to be? Far from it. Is it where it needs to be for me, the totality of me, the other aspects as important as dealing with the GD? I like to think it's a Yes. If I don't think positively, when I see my therapist later today I'll be hoping she pulls out that club and.....
