Too much Quality Time alone with yourself.... Oh I know it all too well when I needed to move some 350 miles from home and into rural WV for work leaving my wife back home to bark at strangers passing in front of the house. And work wasn't work. It was a job a mind numbed robot could have done and not the sort of thing a fix-it hero engineer was needed for, much less allowed to be in the world of government prime contractors and group-think. But it was a job when none were to be had and paid well.
So pretty much all of my old-reliable defenses for the GD were gone. What I call the 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial. Add to that a lot of my basic self-identity stripped away as I became assimilated into the world of the Borg where resistance is futile.
My wife knew from about Day 1 about my Gender Issues and past history of transition experiments, only to settle in as "Just a CD". I like to say CD++ since that was the default position for this 6ft tall big everything, balding since 14 person enveloped by the cloud of "Some guy in a dress". When after months of reflection, some reading, finding a super TG Support group, I knew by the time the 3rd meeting was over it was almost too late to tell her what was going on. Dropping the T-Bomb on this 30+ year relationship was a bit of a shock for her followed by the rage as her hot button issue of 'Betrayal' was not just pressed on, but stomped on.
Thanks to LOTS of the usually difficult open and honest talks we managed to get past the crises. After 2 utter failed transition 'experiments' a third one sure wasn't on my to-do list at all. The over all goal for me was to restrike some sort of balance in my life. My gender identity is an important aspect of my life which I tried hard to bury or otherwise manage for decades. There were also a lot of other important aspects to what and who I am. Some far more important. No way am I willing to put 80% of me and who I am at risk for 20%.
For me a full social and medical transition is a "Want" and not a "Need". I've seen those who need to come to their first group meeting. The GD consumes their life. For me it was mostly background noise just simmering away with some periods of the pot boiling over.
One thing you touched on that I found tended to intensify the GD was binary thinking. I know I am not a cis male. I also know I am far happier today thanks to HRT and heeling myself from the inside. Balance for me also requires minimal risk so a full social transition is out. It's a want and not a need (for today at least). If I consume myself with thoughts of the ultimate End-Game for an MTF it's... well as an F, right? The stuff many a sleepless and tear-filled night is made of.
Rather, I adopted the label of Non-Binary, which is the reality of the world I am choosing to live in, Today. The label implies I don't always have to present this way or that, which today I don't always present one way or another. My therapist said labels aren't important, you are simply you. I guess I am not as "evolved" as she thinks I am. I found some comfort in having that label to cling to vs the dream.
It's been 8 years since I dropped the T-Bomb. Many of the questions my wife had asked and all I could say is I don't know or Not sure, still remain unanswered. We both are well aware of where my true joy lies. My wife has seen my dark periods now that I am back home and unable to live part-time as female. Her thoughts about a future have also changed over time. Her love is stronger for me then it has been in a long time as I "Transition" from that lifeless soulless thing I became and into a for real person. The exterior updates like the breasts far from thrill her. Relationships inherently involve compromises. The US being prioritized over an individuals. Otherwise you are no more then room-mates.
