Am I trans? Help!

[SethRech]

Hello my name is Seth, I am 22 years old and gay (at least I think so).

I never really thought about my gender I did however always know that I was gay, I always knew that and have accepted it fully, even tho I didn't have sex because I want to save myself for a special dude.

My Past: I had a pretty nice life, growing up I mostly hung out with males but after I realized I was gay, I started to befriend more girls than guys, that was also around the time puperty hit. I remember having a huge fear if people found out that I was gay, I was fine with it but I had a lot of fear what people might think... I got over that almost 10 years later, I just kissed a guy in front of my friends and went with being "bi", no one was shooked about that since they kinda already knew. My mom didn't react postive, she told me that it was just a phase but I always knew that it wasn't. Being gay was always a part of me and I hope it still is.

I always knew what transgender people are but I never identified with them. But right now I am questioning everything... The thought recently came into my head while thinking about sex and watching Glee I think, I have had watched it before but I always like to rewatch things. "What if I become trans?" I thought that gives a big deal of fear, not because I am and have to come out but just the thought of being a woman does not give me joy or makes me feel happy. I have talked with a therapist about this and they told me that I was not, I was reliefed for a second. But the thought keeps on coming back. I can imagine a life as a dude, I am acutally excited for this. I finally wanted to start dating but this thought, that I might be trans holds me back from it. It gives me panic attacks and fear, it has gotten to the point where I don't even want to leave my room. I have diagnosed anxiety and OCD. Sidenote: The thought that I might be trans replaced the thought that I might be schizophrenic. Before that I only could think about that.

Sign's I might be trans:

- I mostly listen to female music and pretend that I am a male popstar singing this song
- I almost only have female friends and feel like I belong with them, as a friend.
- The question appeared
- If I am really drunk (like blackout drunk) I dance and act like a female
- I am not interesed in the typical guy things
- I don't feel male or female, I feel like the person I am (gay and male)


Sign's I am not:

- I don't want to wear girls clothing
- I like my genitalia
- I like male clothing
- I don't want to wear make-up
- I always was a gay man
- I never thought about this topic before
- I immidiatly put these thoughts in the "instrusive thoughts" category
- My gender never borthered me
- I don't want to become a female


SO, could you please give me hint or your opinion what is going on? Is this just my OCD bothering me again? Am I realizing I am trans?

Also I am sorry for my bad english, I am from germany so it's far from perfect.

Thank you in advance,

[Kendra]

Hello Seth, welcome to Susan's!

I am MtF and it took me years to realize that.  I think you're asking great questions and it's best to take the pressure off yourself.  Don't try to immediately come up with a perfect and final answer on things that are so important.  Even if you decide to make changes, many of those can't be immediately accomplished - takes time.

You probably already know gender identity and gender preference are completely unrelated.  One thing I didn't understand earlier is gender identity is not purely a male/female answer, that's why it's called a gender spectrum.  That's another thing that may help reduce some of the pressure you are feeling. 

I'm glad you talked to a therapist and I hope they are a specialst in LGBT topics.  If they are not, I recommend ask them for a referral.

Another way to think of the question "What if I become trans" is re-word it and see how the question sounds.  "What if I need to change in order to become my true self" shouldn't trigger as much fear.  The answer needs to be approached objectively and without bias. 

Questioning everything at the right point in time requires initiative and intelligence.  Nothing wrong with that.  It would be impossible and wrong for me to diagnose you, but many members here have discovered they had a wide range of issues that were caused by gender dysphoria.  In my own case I now believe it contributed to my years with too much alcohol and other mistakes, so many missed opportunities connected to that.  I am not going to tell you to what to do (I stopped drinking in 2003) but I hope you can understand some things are irreplaceable and too precious to waste.  Maybe that's why getting drunk is also called getting wasted. 

I am skeptical of surveys and lists that provide "correct" answers.  Based on what I know about myself I have learned they are often wrong for me.

Susan's Place has some unique requirements so we always provide additional information to new members.  I'll add it here for you.

A Cautionary Note:
This is a public forum so please remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there may retain information that you post.

We cannot ensure that any information you share on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction. This warning is also listed in the Terms of Service listed below.

If you give out personal information on Susan's you are responsible for any consequence.,kn

I also want to share some links with you. They include helpful information and the rules that govern the site.  It is important for your enjoyment of the site to take a moment to go through them

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Seth, thank you for joining.  And your English language skills are excellent.  I partially learned a couple additional languages and admire anyone who can be fluent as you are.

Kendra

[V M]

Hi Seth 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Jailyn]

Seth,
    Hi and welcome!!!! As was said before we can't help diagnose you here. I don't think any of us are qualified to do so. This thing you have to explore for yourself. It is complicated and not easy to say you are gay or transgender. To me it sounds like you have taken the right steps to find out for yourself. You are seeking help for the issues you have in your life. You have to explore and research this fully for yourself none of us can tell you this is for you. You're welcome to explore your questions here with us and ask what concerns you on here. So good luck and welcome!!!!!!

[Cure Bunny]

Hello Seth,

While we can't diagnose you, we can be with you and support you as you explore where you want to be.

Stay shiny




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Sno]

Seth, hon, its more about finding yourself, and a way to be comfortable with yourself.

You've said that you are being treated for anxiety and OCD, and the though of being trans has replaced thinking that you're schizophrenic. It could be an anxiety loop, triggered by something in your environment, or you may be transgender.

Alcohol drops inhibitions, and helps reveal our self, for better or worse (it also numbs us to the consequences of actions so we do things that would be in the cold light of day regrettable).

So you move like a girl, that's fine. It's nothing to worry about. Not liking makeup, is fine, or shoes, or pretty things of many colours, you can be all of that, and still be trans. Socially relating to girls better than men is fine, being attracted to men is fine, being attracted to women is fine. Watching Glee is a whole 'nuther level. (Closet Gleeck in the house)

You can be trans and not a girl, or a boy, or trans and a boy and a girl. You can be trans and not transition.

What's not fine is the dysphoria you are having - it's intrusive and it's disruptive.

The question that immediately springs to mind is, does your life so far become more explainable if you were trans, not strictly male or female? Is it more male, or more female? And maybe these are just starting points to talk about with your therapist. For me, it was a case of 'yup, that explains it all'...

Welcome, your English is just fine

Rowan

[Lucy Ross]

The authors of the book True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism divide us into two varieties:  "Knowing" and "Confused."  Kendra and I are Confused.  Or were.        "Confused" might not be the best choice of terms.  It's still a great book, here's a quote:

"I had incidents all the way from childhood on,"
one MTF patient said, "but they didn't mean much
to me at the time. I just assumed that I was all
screwed up. I did all the `guy' things, played
sports, got married-twice, in fact-had kids, and just
assumed all guys dreamed about breasts. It wasn't
until much later that I realized that guys' fantasies
about breasts did not include wanting to have them
themselves. Years later, in therapy, I finally put all
the pieces of the puzzle together and life began to
make sense."

I wish this aspect of being a transsexual were better known, when I began to examine my own history all I read about were the book's Knowing types, who identified strongly as the other gender from their earliest years. 

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Seth,

I might be missing something but I understood that you randomly started asking yourself if you were trans and got anxious about it? Like, are there any signs or desires/fantasies/dreams about being anything other than the gender you were assigned at birth for you to be worried about this? From your description, it seems you are happy living as a gay man and have absolutely no inclinations towards being anything but that, so again I'm asking, where are these thoughts coming from?

[TomTuttle]

I think this is an OCD problem and you should speak with a professional about having a insistent fear that you are trans. It seems very much from what you said that its a fear and not part of your identity. You 100% sound like a gay man. Tell your therapist that you like to dress as male, youve always identified as a gay man and you still do but you are having an insistent fear of being trans that is similar to your fear of being schizophrenic - try and get help for the obsessive thoughts not gender therapy because you actually seem to have a pretty secure gender identity its just your anxiety tricking you here. Many gay men are highly feminine in the way they act, especially while drunk, and thats fine. So is liking female things, having female friends etc. All of these things are common amongst gay men who never transition and live happily as men without ever questioning themselves. You are anxiously obsessing about something unfounded. See a professional. Leave this forum because it is a tool for you to indulge in your obsession.