Just realized I spent most of my life in being good as a boy, and feeling I did my best

[Ive]

...and for the first time in the last year's, after realizing I might being transgender, I feel in peace: I couldn't do better than that.

Anyone with this kind of feeling?

All that I did was towards being a good guy, under many points of view. I struggled, I felt pain and bad all the time, I was not happy, but I have to admit that when I was successful, I was proud of it most of the times. After that, I felt empty and sad: this is probably due to being on a path that was not mine, and, mostly, to the fact I was always focused on being a good boy (also respect to others), and not focusing on feeling, on enjoying things, on finding something that made me feel good.
And it was when I started exploring my feelings, which I always feared, that I found a feminine side, and eventually linked that to being a girl, after all, which finally made totally sense.

Maybe my will to be a "good" guy was a form of defense, as well? As well as my hyper-masculinization?

Thanks everyone!

Inviato dal mio KIW-L21 utilizzando Tapatalk

[JoanneB]

...and for the first time in the last year's, after realizing I might being transgender, I feel in peace: I couldn't do better than that.

Anyone with this kind of feeling?

All that I did was towards being a good guy, under many points of view. I struggled, I felt pain and bad all the time, I was not happy, but I have to admit that when I was successful, I was proud of it most of the times. After that, I felt empty and sad: this is probably due to being on a path that was not mine, and, mostly, to the fact I was always focused on being a good boy (also respect to others), and not focusing on feeling, on enjoying things, on finding something that made me feel good.
And it was when I started exploring my feelings, which I always feared, that I found a feminine side, and eventually linked that to being a girl, after all, which finally made totally sense.

Maybe my will to be a "good" guy was a form of defense, as well? As well as my hyper-masculinization?

Thanks everyone!

Inviato dal mio KIW-L21 utilizzando Tapatalk

I have to agree with 99.99% of the above, except for the "Feeling proud of my success" for exactly the reason you then stated. For me "A Success" was just barely meeting or exceeding "The Expectation" out of fear that not doing so would somehow expose to all the world I am not really a guy and that failure proves it. "Failure" in this case is defined more towards exceeding expectations. There was nothing to be proud of, I simply did what was expected. To be exact, "The Guy" me and not the real me. The Guy me was just another doing what was expected, a lesson learned very early in life

My entire life for the most part was spent living up to other's expectations of what "A Man" is. When fueled by Shame and Guilt of being trans, Man becomes this bigger then real life Hollywood character. Which of course sets an impossible goal, which of course justifies the Shame & Guilt of being trans

[KathyLauren]

...and for the first time in the last year's, after realizing I might being transgender, I feel in peace: I couldn't do better than that.

Anyone with this kind of feeling?

Yes, totally.  The only way I could get any validation was to be the best at whatever I did.  I was good at everything I did; I was the best I could be.  I have no regrets about that time.

All that I did was towards being a good guy, under many points of view. I struggled, I felt pain and bad all the time, I was not happy, but I have to admit that when I was successful, I was proud of it most of the times. After that, I felt empty and sad: this is probably due to being on a path that was not mine, and, mostly, to the fact I was always focused on being a good boy (also respect to others), and not focusing on feeling, on enjoying things, on finding something that made me feel good.
And it was when I started exploring my feelings, which I always feared, that I found a feminine side, and eventually linked that to being a girl, after all, which finally made totally sense.

Maybe my will to be a "good" guy was a form of defense, as well? As well as my hyper-masculinization?

I wouldn't describe myself or my behaviour as hyper-masculine, but the rest fits.  I did some really interesting stuff that most people don't get to do (and that, at the time, only men were allowed to do), and I did it well.  It was all in an effort to be a good-enough boy or man.  I convinced most people to accept me, but couldn't quite convince myself.