Is this genital dysphoria?

[Roll]

So embarrassed to ask this question, but here I go!

So I've said a number of times that I've never really had any particularly negative reaction to my genitals, even if I would prefer having been born with female genitals. Yet as I was laying in bed thinking this morning, I had a few realizations that I am curious if actually are indicative of genital dysphoria in a very physical, not-lining-up-with-the-brain way. I'm going to try to be as clinical/non-graphic as possible with this description, both for my own comfort (I'm not generally a "let's talk about sex!" person ) and the sake of being at least somewhat family friendly.

Ok, so... In comparisons with how other people describe their sensitivity to pleasure, I always wondered if there was something wrong with me physically down there in that my sensitivity seemed exceedingly low in terms of being pleasurable in the way most people describe. Yet at the same time, I also seemed to suffer from perhaps an over sensitivity when it came to physical stimulation. To be a bit more blunt about that, I don't last long.

So I don't really "feel" sensation(I mean, I do, it just doesn't feel strong or be particularly pleasurable), but the actual nerve endings seem to be working a little too well. I never really thought much about this seeming contradiction before at all, it just sort of was. But this morning I just happened to start thinking about it, and began placing it in light of my transgender revelation which made me wonder... is this a form that dysphoria takes? Is it that my brain just isn't accepting the "valid" physical input entirely correctly because of that disconnect between body and mind? I feel like I'm reaching here, but I figured I at least owed it to myself to ask, and see what other people thought or had experience with in this issue.

[Kendra]

I'm the wrong person to diagnose others but I'll describe my own experience. 

Before starting transition I didn't totally hate my original equipment but have never been proud of it - sort of a yeah ok it's there and it works.  I originally postponed HRT because I wasn't certain I would be ok losing size and function down there.  I spent a couple years permanently eliminating facial hair while I was unsure about other changes.  And then I met with a gender therapist.  Decisions are mine to make but I became much more reassured after spending time with a professional.  So I started HRT, and realized I shouldn't rush a decision for or against GRS. 

Glad I did that.  The effects of HRT are not guaranteed - many variables influence an individual's prescription and response.  The physical change so far has been mild but the mental change was astonishing.  All my senses went from several decades of tunnel vision to suddenly seeing and understanding the entire landscape.  Instead of noticing a house next to a few trees I now see a neighborhood and the way it fits into the landscape.  I hear all the lines in music instead of mainly the soloist. 

My perception of sex is undergoing a similar change.  Where I used to focus on one thing and then boom it happens and the fireworks are over, the mental side of sex is different for me now.  And with that change I have decided I want MtF GRS - not because I want to replace one part with another, but because a post-GRS body would match who I am.  Now that I can perceive the entire landscape I need to move a few things around and remodel some of the original equipment. 

I asked myself this same question previously and my answer changed after spending time with HRT.  I have only been on HRT ten weeks but the change in perception was almost immediate and has been consistent so far. 

[Bari Jo]

Yes, these topics are weird, uncomfortable, yet therapeutic too.  I can only answer based on experience as well.  For me it was always just there.  I wasn't large or small, just average.  When giving myself pleasure though I almost never touched my thingie.  It was always about the pleasure from behind the scrotum OR anal.  I remember trying to do it like most boys/men and while I could with considerable effort it was unsatisfying.  I've never wished my thingie gone like some, and don't think I'll get GRS, but do have the desire to be penetrated always.  I've just satisfied it through the means I have.  This might change in the future.  I totally do understand the need for many for it, just right now there are so many other needs:)

[Julia1996]

Dysphoria is different for everyone. For me I have extreme Dysphoria concerning my boy parts. I've always hated them and wanted them gone. The idea of anyone seeing "that" causes me to freak out.  Once when I was 10 I had a really bad stomach virus for 2 days with vomiting and bad diarrhea.  I could hardly lift my head off the pillow and I was a mess so my dad put me in the bathtub and started undressing me. As sick as I was I tried to fight when he started taking off my pants. He told me he was my father and he had changed my diapers and given me baths a million times and to stop acting crazy. But even at that age the idea of ANYONE seeing me naked just freaked me out.

As for the sexual aspect, I never had any desire to use "it" or ever have anyone mess with it. I did have sex before transition but it was only them giving me anal and me giving them oral. My personal parts were off limits and if a guy was interested in them it totally turned me off and I wouldn't do anything with him ever again. Sex with my boyfriend is pretty much the same now as then. I do experience climax through "it" but after 2 years of hrt it's much closer to female orgasm. The path to climax is a little complicated but I described it already in another thread. But it doesn't involve my boyfriend touching or even seeing "it" which he has no desire to do thankfully!

I guess my genital Dysphoria would be on the severe side. But I would never self harm or try DIY surgical stuff. As much as I hate my boy stuff I need it healthy and intact to create a functional vagina.

[Roll]

Glad I did that.  The effects of HRT are not guaranteed - many variables influence an individual's prescription and response.  The physical change so far has been mild but the mental change was astonishing.  All my senses went from several decades of tunnel vision to suddenly seeing and understanding the entire landscape.  Instead of noticing a house next to a few trees I now see a neighborhood and the way it fits into the landscape.  I hear all the lines in music instead of mainly the soloist. 

I have to say Kendra, your description of your HRT experiences always gets me so excited to start.

But thank you all for the insight! I think this topic has been one of my bigger sources of confusion over the years, since I had that same feeling of indifference ("it's just there") that never tracked with the usual male pride. This at least I know can be chalked up to gender issues. Maybe HRT will bring me some clarity on the rest of it. I think I would almost prefer to have a more obvious and extreme feeling of dysphoria just because this ambiguous middle ground is driving me nuts. (Though of course that is purely a "grass is greener" thing, and I know intellectually isn't something to be desired.)