Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 15, 2018, 08:32:33 PM
Most of the trip was just awesome, though there were a few sour notes. I've seen not-so-veiled references that I post too much about my meltdowns, so I'll just say I had a rough time of it at one point and leave it at that. If anyone really wants details I can spill the ugly details in a PM. I'm mostly recovered now.
I've been encouraged behind the curtain to fill in the details of not just the above stuff, but also the rest of the trip. I realized, hey, what the heck, this is my thread and these are my stories. Read 'em or not.
Cassie had some personal stuff she needed to handle in southern FL, and asked if I'd go with her to act as a sympathetic ear and provide a shoulder to cry on if necessary (even if it meant bending way down to my level). Of course I went. There was never any question of it.
So I packed up on Friday, and way too early on Saturday jumped in the rollerskate and drove to her place, where we transferred to her behemoth and headed south. On the way we stopped at a Starbucks, which I'm embarrassed to admit, as a small-town, frugal chick, I had never been in before. The coffee was good, and the breakfast sandwich was awesome, but how pretentious is "Tall," "Grande," and "Venti" for sizes? Sheesh. But hey, we were properly gendered, so no complaints. Back on the road.
About 2 1/2 hours later we arrived at the hotel in our destination. After a little negotiating they let us check into the room early, and I set up camp while Cassie got ready for her appointment. I had been thinking about walking out for something to eat while she was gone, but for some reason I got cold feet and just dozed and caught up with various forums, including this one, while she was gone for 2 1/2 hours. She came back with encouraging news, and there was some ocular leakage of the positive kind, then some quiet time to gather wits before we headed out to meet an old friend of hers for dinner.
E was a pretty cool dude, completely accepting of our transitions, and had tons of stories to tell about misadventures he and Cassie had experienced in the past. We had a great meal and talked until after 11pm. Back to the hotel, more girl talk until after 1 am, then collapse for the night.
Next morning started out as I'd already written, being called Chicas Bonitas by the kind old gentleman running the breakfast room. Time to pack up and... shop shop shop! Cassie's mission was to find a dress for a wedding, and I was just tagging along, but had a mental list of things I wanted to scout for. And no matter where we stopped, she walked out empty handed, and I bought something for myself. Got myself a new purse, some slacks that I'll need for an upcoming funeral, and my first pair of skinny jeans.
Lunch time at TooJays. Standing in line I saw a weird sign, and wondered what else they sold besides food:
The waitress took the orders from the ladies with no issues. The place had tables around the periphery, with a long padded bench for people to sit on on the wall side of the table, which meant you had someone sitting right next to you at the next table. And the ladies who came in and sat to our left gave us smiles as they settled in.
It was time to head back in the general direction of Cassie Casa. We stopped in to a gas station for snacks and drinks, and I took my stuff up to the check out. And the kid behind the counter misgendered me. WTF? What did he see that nobody else did? He seemed friendly and helpful, but gave me a "thank you, sir" as I hit the door. I was already halfway out when I realized what had happened. At this point I was more bemused than anything else. It planted the seed of doubt though, that maybe everybody else we'd encountered was just being nice to the short guy pretending to be a girl. It was just a seed, though, and not a big deal yet.
We had one more mission before getting to the end of the route. We had to meet someone and trade Cassie's truck for their car so they could use it to help a friend move. We met them in a store, they introduced themselves, and... I introduced myself as Steve. I leaned on Cassie in shock and disbelief. It was bad, but not as bad as the knowledge that this was the second time I'd done that to myself in one week.
What the Hell did I do? What does it mean? My only conclusion was that, despite all the effort to change my name on every piece of paperwork, every website, every possible communication; all the effort I'd been making to try to get everyone around me to understand and believe I am now Stephanie Rhapsody Bensinger... I don't actually believe it myself. This realization provided the fertilizer for the earlier doubt started by the misgendering to grow.
We hit another store, and Cassie finally found some dresses. I also found one that was a lot like one that Cassie has, with vertical panels that emphasize the hourglass shape, that she looks stunning in. I decided to give it a try - and I looked ridiculous. It was sleeveless, so my shoulders stuck out, and the panels just didn't do anything for me. Knowing how good Cassie looked in essentially the same dress just added to my insecurity.
With the misgendering, self-deadnaming, and now loss of confidence in my progress with HRT, by the time we got to Cassie's place, I was circling the drain.
We went in, got hot beverages and sat in front of the fire, and I slid into meltdown mode. This time it was Cassie's turn to be the strong one. Lots more talking, ocular leakage, and hugs, and it was time to crash, with the sure knowledge that my Kleenex stock just had another uptick.
I have no cause or resolution to the problem, but I washed a good portion of the pain out with the leakage, and felt somewhat better in the morning. Cassie cooked breakfast in her jammies and we sat and talked around the fire, telling secrets and offering thoughts and advice on anything and everything, until I realized it was almost 3pm and I really needed to get home. I threw the luggage in the skate, and we grabbed the picture you've already seen, and after hugs I was off to the Bensinger compound.
So now it's back to reality. I'm still deeply disturbed by deadnaming myself multiple times, and I don't know what to do about it. It feels especially awkward now to enforce names and pronouns on other people when I don't believe it myself. I'm kind of twisting in the wind. Though I admit that I did correct one of my neighbors with "she" when he got it wrong. He smiled and told me it was going to take him a long time to get it right. I smiled back and told him that's fine, but I was going to continue correcting him until then.
Despite the fact that I'm still pretty rattled by this latest realization, on balance it was a pretty good trip. Just getting away with someone who gets it and doesn't get tired of hearing about it as the muggles do is very therapeutic. So, to paraphrase Ashley, On We Plod...
Stephanie
