The Struggle with Being Authentic or Genuine?

[Denni]

I have been a member of Susan's now for almost two years and one thing continues to frustrate me when I see a posting or a response to someone's post and see the word authentic, or genuine, in how someone is living their life or should be living their life. Who among us can tell another that they are not authentic, or genuine, strictly because they are not living their life as they are, or perceive that it should be lived. We do not know the others family situation, their job situation, or for that matter the simple fear of accepting themselves as transgender. This should be a site of community and support for each other and not one of judgement of others because they do not meet ones personal ideals or standards.

There are so many steps of being transgender from the simple act of acceptance as transgender to GCS. Each step can be life altering and difficult with none being more authentic or genuine than the other. The pain of telling family or employers of being transgender is no different than another's pain, knowing that they will never have the opportunity that they see others with RLE or HRT use because of their family or jobs. I have two very dear and close friends that I have met through this site that have just had GCS and I am so happy for them. They would be the first to say that they are not any more or less transgender because of the surgery. They are a fortunate minority of us, the percentage of GCS in our community is very small, so are they truly more authentic or genuine than the rest of us? They again would say no they are not. Please everyone, let us forget the stereotyping and instead be their and support one another, no matter where we are in our transition. This life we choose is difficult enough, we can do so much together as one. Hugs

[Virginia 71]

I agree Denni. I have had this experience speaking with other Trans people in person and it was discouraging and made the world seem a little smaller. I've been told I "have to transition fully" and "have to wear a wig" and have been sneered at by MtF's who intended to fully transition. They basically said that something like "Well I never wanted to be in between!" OK, good for them, I thought maybe I did want to be... Anyway, it feels like the only place you can ever be accepted as who you are is in your own head, and even that takes a lot of work. At least, it takes me a lot of work.

One thing I have noticed in life that is some people will tell you that you are wrong even if you are saying exactly what they are saying but in your own words. I think anywhere I interact with people there is a possibility of this happening. I just try to ignore people when they do this.

[echo7]

I think it depends on how you identify on the transgender spectrum.

If you were assigned-male-at-birth (AMAB), and you identify as female, and you decide not to transition, then I don't think it's unfair to say that you're not living an authentic life as yourself.  Because by your own admission you're a female that's not living or planning to live as a female.  That to me is the very definition of not being yourself; i.e. you're not being authentic/genuine.  Not only with others, but more importantly yourself.

On the other hand, if you were AMAB, and you identify as non-binary, and you decide not to transition, then I think living as your authentic self can mean all kinds of different things that may or may not include transition, HRT, and any other physical/social changes.

[warmbody28]

yeah everyone is different. you just live your life how you see fit. not according to others.

[HappyMoni]

I have been a member of Susan's now for almost two years and one thing continues to frustrate me when I see a posting or a response to someone's post and see the word authentic, or genuine, in how someone is living their life or should be living their life. Who among us can tell another that they are not authentic, or genuine, strictly because they are not living their life as they are, or perceive that it should be lived. We do not know the others family situation, their job situation, or for that matter the simple fear of accepting themselves as transgender. This should be a site of community and support for each other and not one of judgement of others because they do not meet ones personal ideals or standards.

There are so many steps of being transgender from the simple act of acceptance as transgender to GCS. Each step can be life altering and difficult with none being more authentic or genuine than the other. The pain of telling family or employers of being transgender is no different than another's pain, knowing that they will never have the opportunity that they see others with RLE or HRT use because of their family or jobs. I have two very dear and close friends that I have met through this site that have just had GCS and I am so happy for them. They would be the first to say that they are not any more or less transgender because of the surgery. They are a fortunate minority of us, the percentage of GCS in our community is very small, so are they truly more authentic or genuine than the rest of us? They again would say no they are not. Please everyone, let us forget the stereotyping and instead be their and support one another, no matter where we are in our transition. This life we choose is difficult enough, we can do so much together as one. Hugs

Well said Denni. I think it all boils down to respecting each other. There are some folks on here who find ways to cope with being trans without taking the steps they would like to. I am amazed at their toughness, their patience, and their ability to make it work. I was not that strong. I think it is appropriate to encourage others to overcome their fears, to move closer to what they would like. I am not walking in their shoes to judge them for where they are or who they are. I can't say that I understand being non binary, but it is not my place to question how a non binary person lives life. I glad you brought this out Denni!
Moni

[Devlyn]

Too many people here mean binary when they say authentic. My version of authentic doesn't match any of the diagrams. I like it that way.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Deborah]

Too many people here mean binary when they say authentic. My version of authentic doesn't match any of the diagrams. I like it that way.

Hugs, Devlyn

My version of authentic means embracing my own particular flavor of insanity.  At least that's what I used to tell people at work and they seemed to accept that.

Authentic to me means being happy with myself.  It does not mean forcing myself into uncomfortable situations to fulfil what anybody else thinks is proper dress and makeup for a binary trans person.  It probably helps that I'm a total INFP introvert and have walked my own path on the fringe my entire life.

[Bari Jo]

Authentic to me means being happy with myself.

That's exactly it for me too.  Happy, normal, not hiding anymore.

[Devlyn]

Too many people here mean binary when they say authentic. My version of authentic doesn't match any of the diagrams. I like it that way.

Hugs, Devlyn

My version of authentic means embracing my own particular flavor of insanity.  At least that's what I used to tell people at work and they seemed to accept that.

Authentic to me means being happy with myself.  It does not mean forcing myself into uncomfortable situations to fulfil what anybody else thinks is proper dress and makeup for a binary trans person.  It probably helps that I'm a total INFP introvert and have walked my own path on the fringe my entire life.

ISTP here.

[Laurie]

  I think what we have here is a matter of differing perceptions of the word authentic and possibly genuine. Though Genuine doesn't appear to be what is being discussed here. To me they have two differing meanings. Since it is authentic everyone is talking about, I will stick to it also. I have to disagree with those that feel judged by the word being used. I have no such perception of that, and I do not see it being used in that context here on Susan's when I see it. I certainly do not mean it that way when I use it here. I think I have only seen authentic used in reference to oneself and in the context of one being comfortable in how the see themselves. I believe this to be how it is used across the board in the gender spectrum here.
  It means only that I am happy living as the person I perceive myself to be inside. In my case, I may not be where I want to be, but I am happy with what I am doing to get there. I am no longer denying or searching for who I am. That to me is me being authentic with myself. I do not think I have ever or ever will use the word to judge another.
  That's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[KathyLauren]

There is nothing wrong with the word authentic.  But one can really only talk about oneself when using it.  I can (sometimes) tell whether or not I am not being authentic, and it may sometimes be relevant to say so.

It only becomes a problem when it is used as a judgement of someone else.  A basic rule in support groups is that you don't offer unsolicited advice or judgements.  It is only when 'authentic' is used as an unsolicited judgement that it is a problem.

On the other hand, if someone were to ask, "Do you think I am being authentic?", I don't see any problem with giving one's opinion - carefully.

[HappyMoni]

I have been a member of Susan's now for almost two years and one thing continues to frustrate me when I see a posting or a response to someone's post and see the word authentic, or genuine, in how someone is living their life or should be living their life. Who among us can tell another that they are not authentic, or genuine, strictly because they are not living their life as they are, or perceive that it should be lived. We do not know the others family situation, their job situation, or for that matter the simple fear of accepting themselves as transgender. This should be a site of community and support for each other and not one of judgement of others because they do not meet ones personal ideals or standards.

Please everyone, let us forget the stereotyping and instead be their and support one another, no matter where we are in our transition. This life we choose is difficult enough, we can do so much together as one. Hugs

I just reread  this thread and thought it worth saying a few words. Rather than authentic or genuine being the key words, my opinion is that judgement is the key word. I think the best posts can offer suggestions and offer ideas to someone who might be searching without it feeling judgemental to that person. I think in many cases this is done. When someone does feel judged, they feel bad, it doesn't help them, and they leave without the help they seek. I can't say it any better then the last two sentences of Denni's post.
Moni

[Rachel]

I agree with you Denni.

[Anne Blake]

In my book Denni nails it right on the head. Yes, I have only been on this journey for two and a half years, but so many times I have felt being judged as not trans enough if I haven't done this or that. The suggestion was that I wasn't trans because I didn't fit someone elses view of what true trans is, and I have to admit that I have sensed it a few times even here on Susan's. A few days ago I was allowed to experience the srs, as you can imagine, this was a huge deal for me but I chose a shallow or cosmetic version of the procedure. There have been some folks that I have run into that have suggested that I am not a true transgender because I did not have the full depth version. This may be my sensitivity to people's words and not their true intent, I have no way of knowing for sure, but it still stings a bit. Then someone comes along living life as she needs to live her life and all I can say is wow, she is certainly stronger than I was. My wife had to make all kinds of changes to accommodate me and my needs to be "authentic" and it cost all of us dearly. I have to applaud those someones for having the strength to authentically embrace what is most important to them and to live for it. Transgender is not a prescribed path with bonus points given at key milestones and authentic is best done when one knows themselves well enough to identify limits and boundaries in their and their families lives and live by them. Thank you Denni for reminding us all of this.

Tia Anne

[Another Nikki]

Amen Tia Anne.

One of the things i really appreciate about susan's is it seems to be more inclusive than some ornate the other trans forums out there.  i became pretty turned off by some of the infighting in a group that honestly needs to stick together.  There's enough external negativity we don't need to attack our own because their flavor of authenticity differs from ours.

[Sarah77]

Denni,  very good post. I do think it is ok for people to des ribe their own circumstances in Uthentic if they want.
But there are loads like me..who have so much on the left scale of life which makes transition too heavy a burden.
So some of us have to live fake lives to a certain extent There are no rights, wrongs and few fairytales!