Postpone transitioning because of your kids?

[Elli.P]

Hi all. I need advice from anybody that transitioned or is transitioning with young teen aged children.

I'm still presenting as male and only taking sprio because my wife is concerned about how transsistioning will affect my young teen aged son's (13 & 15) social lives and school lives. At home I'm always female and sometimes go out in public. I'm out to all my family/friends, all my wife's family/friends,  work, doctors and a couple of neighbor's. My wife is still with me and plans on staying with me after transition. But I still have to hide when outside because my kids friends might see me. My wife wants thier last few years as teenagers to be normal. But they don't have a typical dad. She's worried about them being bullied and their friends parents not letting them be friends etc...

We have taught our kids to be accepting of everyone and not judge. But I feel like by hiding until they finish school doesn't fall in line with what we have been teaching them. I'm so ready to get on with my life and stop living in the middle but, at the same time I'm concerned about my kids. What do I do? I can't protect them from everything evil in the world but I don't want to be the catalyst or cause of it. At this point all I can think of is gather information to help make the decision.

So my questions:
Who has experience with this? How did transition affect your teenage kids? Were there issues and if so what happened?
Thanks

[Thessa]

Maybe you want to have a look at:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Finney_Boylan

Her memoir Stuck in the Middle with You: Parenthood in Three Genders illustrates her experiences and the differences between fatherhood and motherhood. 

I have two daughters, 11yrs and 20yrs old. Both are very accepting and infact my 11 yrs old is asking me to hurry with going full time because she wants to be open with her friends.

When I ask her what she will do if some other pupils of her school are starting to bully her because of me.

She told me that she does not care, there will be always stupid people out there and she can handle that.

She know that I always have an open ear and the she can also have professional help if needed but until everything is fine.

She already has to handle her mother in that regards, see my yesterday post on "What made you unhappy?"

[ainsley]

I had two in HS and one in college when I came out to them and the world.  Like you, I was outwardly showing signs and doing what I could to appease my urge to transition.  Self medicating HRT, wearing what I wanted whenever I could get away with it, etc.  So, when I called a family meeting around the kitchen island and told them, they all kept saying "Well, that makes sense!".  Because they had picked up on the signs.  One of them struggled with it because he did not want to lose his Dad.  I could totally understand that, too.  I told him I am the same person he has always known, and will do the same things I always did with him.  None of that was changing.  I was the one that was going to change; not him.  It took a few months, but he totally got it.  All 3 of mine are totally fine with it now.  My wife and I are still married, and she had the exact same fears your wife did about the kids.  Exact same.  We decided to pull the plug one day after talking with my therapist together.  Sooooo glad we did it when we did.

[Tessa James]

Good questions Rachel and i trust we will all respect your love for and desire to protect your children.  The truth is that by hiding yourself away the message could also be that you are ashamed and fearful of being seen as abnormal?  Are we afraid of people knowing the truth and what might that say?

Transgender people are normal.  While less typical we are part of the diverse, natural biology of humanity.  My history is being a life long "out" queer person that appeared somewhat androgynous till transition.  My kids and grandkids and now great grandkids have been and continue growing up with LGBTQ people in their lives.

Self denial, shame, repression and hiding are part of my past too.  How young people respond to us may be more about the greater culture they inhabit.  As a kid my son loved me being the nurturing parent who tucked him in with bedtime stories and kisses.  He also invented stories of me being a cop or fireman rather than the  nurse anesthetist I was at the time.  In contrast my daughter loved my boyfriends and the expansive, broad world of people around us. 

My daughter has a wealth of fascinating people in her social circle and multiple degrees while my angry son has a very limited education, perspectives and tends toward racism and discriminatory rhetoric.  We simply do our best to love and care for our children but any real control of their thinking or destiny is illusory.

Teen age kids can and do harass and harm each other over the most senseless non issues and any point of teasing can escalate into isolation and worse.  Helping them be strong and self assured also means standing up for themselves and setting a good example. 

When I was coming out years ago many of my best friends and family were upset that I had not told them the truth sooner.  Gaining more information and education is always helpful but it remains an axiomatic truth that honesty is the best policy.

[RobynD]

There is no perfect time in my estimate as early as possible. I did with 3 kids in middle school/high school and its not been all smooth sailing. One is fairly distant from me and the others not.

For myself, i always thought that delaying it to hide it for some purpose, makes it into something that is to be hidden or shameful and not wonderful and exciting as it is. This does not mean that the reality of the way kids deal with you and residual phobias that exist will not be felt, but ultimately they are going to have to face adversity in life and we can't shield them from it. From adversity comes maturity and growth.

Having said that, the issues they have faced have been minimal. We live in a pretty liberal area.

[DaniellaG]

I have no answers, but I hear you.  I am MTF, been very gently transitioning on herbs for 8 years, but on HRT now for about 9 months and planning full transition as soon as my cash is in place following sale of my house.  I am splitting up with my wife and have a 15-year old daughter.  My wife only knows about my cross-dressing - not about my transitioning. My daughter supposedly knows nothing - but my super-long nails, razor sharp eyebrows and occasionally long hair might have led her to suspect something ...  My daughter went through difficult emotional mental time recently (including eating disorder), though not because of me imo.  She has huge issues with my manically-over-controlling wife.  I have put off telling my daughter for years because I feared it might harm her.  But I'm now starting to feel that she is starting to assert herself - to grow up and become her own person.  I feel/hope that in 6 months she wll be strong enough to take this.  I wish you all the best.  The only thought I can contribute is that although it is great that we love our children, we have our own lives too and somewhere there must be a balance.  We can't let their feelings control us forever.  At some time they need to grow up and, perhaps, part of that is to be challenged by our life decisions.   

[Anne Blake]

Great question and good on you for having their lives primary in your concerns. We don't have kids in that age range but we are a big part of our grand kids lives and around them and their friends a lot. When I was in junior high school it would have been very dangerous to have a transgender parent. I am finding that in our area it is just not an issue. We have eight grand children ranging from nine to eighteen. None of them see any down side but plenty of up side having a grandmother that can relate to both genders. And none of their friends have voiced any issues. My ten year old grand daughter suggests that bullying is such a taboo in her school that all the kids pick on the bully and get the teachers in on it to boot. So, in our area, it does not seem to be a detriment but a positive contribution.

[Dani]

The two most important delays in my transition are employment and family obligations.

We all have known people who lost their employment when they transitioned. Even after transition, we must have some way of financial support.

When you start a family you have an obligation to support all your children at least until they are on their own. Significant others are another matter. If you can come to an understanding, then great. If not, then do what you have to. I think everybody knows what I mean. 

[Paige]

This is something I struggle with constantly.  I don't want to make my wife and children's lives awkward.  I have two college aged daughters.  Both are doing very well and have supportive boyfriends.  I worry by coming out I could somehow disrupt their lives.

Paige

[Julia1996]

I can't give you advice but I can tell you that if my dad ever came out as trans I would still love always love him and if my friends had a problem with it, it would be their problem and not mine. Don't underestimate your kids. Even though we don't always make sure our parents know how much we love them, there are few things a parent can do to make their kids not love them. My mom is unaccepting of me and I'm sorry to say she's not a nice or pleasant person and she's always been very cold toward me but she's my mom and I will still always love her.