I hate being trans and want to live stealth

[Allie24]

Over the past several months I have been wanting to distance myself from the trans community and trans activism because, to put it simply, I really do not like being trans or associating myself with anything trans-related. I live my day to day life in stealth mode. I don't talk about it. No one gives me problems for it. And I feel happy to be treated like a "normal" person. As soon as I reveal being trans, I'm afraid of people looking at me differently or treating me differently. Like my female acquaintances will see me as a "gay bestie" and my male acquaintances will become wary of me... like I'll start preying on them or something. I also don't want to deal with bathroom problems if someone I know or work with will suddenly develop a problem with me using the women's restroom or locker room at work. And then there is this attitude a lot of people seem to be forming about trans people... especially trans women. They think we're these pushy, chauvinistic, stereotype-obsessed, predatory, fetishistic, lesbophobic jerks... they call us SJWs and all those fun buzzwords Internet people like to use. The last thing I want is someone leaping down my throat or thinking I'm gonna start giving them a lecture on how not to be a "transmisogynist" and start acting like a drag queen with super exaggerated mannerisms... ugh. I'm not even super-political. Transitioning isn't a political statement to me. I just want to live my life. That's it!

And I guess you can say it's not all about discrimination. I don't really like being in the trans community either because it reminds me too much of where I have come from... the fact that I was born male and have to TRANSition. I don't connect with other trans women really well. I also don't talk about gender or have as much pride in my gender as others in the community do. I told my therapist that I felt that pride in the trans community is like having pride for being diabetic. To me, I have a mental illness and I am undergoing treatment. I don't want to talk to anyone about it and I sure as heck don't want to shout it from the rooftops.

But anyway, this has become a long and rambling post. Bottom line, this whole attitude is giving me a sick feeling and I don't really think it is a very positive attitude to hold. That said, these things that I think and feel are strong so they're not easily given up. And in the world we are living in today, if I have a chance at dodging discrimination, I don't think I'm wrong to take it. Everyone wants to feel safe, right?

I don't know. Is there anyone here who has similar feelings and can maybe help me sort this all out? I don't want to be disconnected from my people... I think it's wrong that I am, but all the same, I'm having trouble diving in. Not to mention that I can be pretty judgmental of the appearance and passing-ability of other trans women (it's a defense mechanism, I do it to boost my self esteem, but only in my head, I could never vocalize the things I think in there).

I know this all might make me sound like an unkind person but I'm just struggling. I started this transition process in 2015, and at that time I celebrated it, but now I'm just bitter. So much has changed, and the political atmosphere I think has a lot to do with that.

Advice?

-Allie

[RobynD]

Sorry your struggling with it all. May you find the support you need from any place that makes sense for you personally. I can't address your bitterness about the community because i see it as nothing but positive.

While i have empathy for what you are saying here, i also feel like this post could be triggering to some and your opinions while valid, could have been stated in a kinder way.

There is discrimination no doubt, but personally that motivates me to know more people, change minds and help others out there. As for transition being political? i don't see it at all. Some try and make LGTB rights political but that is their failing, i just deserve the same rights as anyone.

There is a whole world of support out there for us, i have never had as many friends as i have after coming out and transitioning. For me it is a matter of what to focus on. We all have moments of " wow do i wish my life was less complicated and easier" but that is not exclusive to trans or lgtb people.

Again i hope the support comes and those that share your perspective can give feedback and help.

[MaryT]

I also live in stealth mode and it is stressful, and I fear that being open would be even more stressful.  Even so, I would rather be a FAAB woman than a trans woman, but I would rather be a trans woman than a man.  I agree that being trans is nothing to be proud of but it is nothing to be ashamed of either, although I was brought up to feel that way.  It is just what we are.

I often have little meltdowns myself.  You may feel differently tomorrow.  I'm sure that the others at Susan's Place will know how to be more comforting.

[Julia1996]

I can understand wanting to be stealth. I try to be as stealth as possible but it's not easy since a lot of people here knew me before transition. I hate being trans too and feel cheated that I am. But I wouldn't want to isolate myself from the trans community. This site has been my introduction to the trans community and I've met some very nice people here. I can also talk about things here I can't discuss with cis people. I find it very helpful that I can talk to others who can sympathize and understand what I'm going through. If you feel that strongly about isolating yourself from the trans community then maybe you should. But criticizing the passability of another trans woman is just mean and unnecessary. I wouldn't worry about associating with other trans women. From what you wrote I seriously doubt any transwoman would want to be your friend. I'm not trying to be mean or rag on you. I'm just going by what you have written. I hope things work out for you the way you want.

[KathyLauren]

I can kind of understand the desire to be stealth, but it is not for me.  To me, stealth is just another closet to shut myself into, and I am so done with closets!

I don't go around telling everyone that I am trans.  It is none of anyone's business.  On the other hand, a person doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out, and I am okay with that.  In other words, being trans is totally irrelevant to my daily activities.  I am just me, going about my business, and mostly being pretty happy about it.

I don't do much that is trans-related.  Yes, I still have all my paperwork to straighten out, and I am starting to plan to get my letters for GRS.  And I periodically go to a trans support group and to my HRT appointments.  But for most of my daily life, I don't think of myself as a trans woman.  I am just a woman.

I am a member of a Facebook group that is related to an aicraft type I flew many years ago.  Sooner or later, someone in that group will wonder about my dates, since it is well documented that the first woman to fly that aircraft did so about four years after I did.  But, I really don't care.  It isn't a secret.  If they ask, yes, I'm trans, now let's talk about the aircraft.

I find that the lightness of just letting it all go is what I like the most about transitioning.  No more secrets.  I yam what I yam.

[Devlyn]

Who knows if someone is trying to pass as a woman? I dress as one, I don't identify as one. I think you need to worry more about yourself and less about others. Also not sure why you would come to the community you dislike just to tell them that........

[MaryT]

... not sure why you would come to the community you dislike just to tell them that........

I took the liberty of reading some of Allie's other posts.  She doesn't feel like that all of the time.  I think that she is just going through a bad patch.  I'm sure that all of you will welcome her back when she is ready.

[widdershins]

Trans people don't make being trans political. Transphobic politicians do. In the US, there is literally legislation in the works as we speak with the explicit goal of stripping us of our civil rights. And that kind of forces us to fight back if we value our lives, does it not? Especially those of us who aren't blessed with the ability to go stealth or pass.

I don't judge anyone who's stealth for their own safety. But don't bash the people who are out fighting for your ability to lead that life in peace.

[Alicia Francesca]

Sorry your struggling with it all. May you find the support you need from any place that makes sense for you personally. I can't address your bitterness about the community because i see it as nothing but positive.

While i have empathy for what you are saying here, i also feel like this post could be triggering to some and your opinions while valid, could have been stated in a kinder way.

There is discrimination no doubt, but personally that motivates me to know more people, change minds and help others out there. As for transition being political? i don't see it at all. Some try and make LGTB rights political but that is their failing, i just deserve the same rights as anyone.

There is a whole world of support out there for us, i have never had as many friends as i have after coming out and transitioning. For me it is a matter of what to focus on. We all have moments of " wow do i wish my life was less complicated and easier" but that is not exclusive to trans or lgtb people.

Again i hope the support comes and those that share your perspective can give feedback and help.

I have been dealing with all of it.My good friend asked me if it  is worth it.I reply it is better than the alternative.Be you and accept who you are and who you want to become.You will not make any progress constantky trying to hide who you are.Live you and hooe it gets better for you.

[Kylo]

Actively trying to hide something does have negative psychological effects; you feel furtive because you are being furtive, and if that doesn't come natural (which to most people it doesn't) it can make a person feel awful. But there's nothing wrong with keeping personal business to yourself and if you decide being trans is personal business then it falls under that category. Keeping it off the table is no more wrong than keeping off the table anything else of your personal stuff.

[Antonia J]

Who knows if someone is trying to pass as a woman? I dress as one, i don't identify as one. I think you need to worry more about yourself and less about others. Also not sure why you would come to the community you dislike just to tell them that........

^^ This 100%.

Everyone's journey is their own. It sounds like the OP maybe is stuck in the binary, and believes that presentation has to be a certain specific way in order to qualify as trans. I would suggest that the goal should be to reduce your gender dysphoria, and whatever shape that takes in physical presentation, gender identity, and transition should be respected and celebrated.

I am trans, I present androgynous, and I am damn proud of myself for living authentically in a world where privilege is abused by those who have it. I also respect and celebrate others who do the same, and try to create space and defend their right to be whoever they want to be, as long as they are kind, and do not harm others.

[Dena]

There are two main points of view. One where you are out in the open and show outwards pride in you past. There is nothing wrong with that point of view if you are comfortable with it however other than this site I am much like you and don't believe that being transgender is what I am all about.

The second view point comes from my therapy group dating back over 35 years. The thought was the transition is a temporary thing that takes you where you need to be. After it's completed, the best indication that is was successful is blending back into society. This means your issues are resolved and you are a part of normal social  and work relations without having your transgender past becoming a part of it. It's not so much hiding your  past but instead it no longer has a place in your day to day life. Consider somebody who is CIS. They never question their sexual identity and if treatment is successful, you should no longer need to either.

The second thought is difficult for somebody still transitioning to understand because they are dealing with their gender identity daily however after GCS for many  there is a dividing line you cross over where you are no longer transgender as your gender identity issues are resolved. Crossing this line causes you to look at life differently and many don't feel the need to be a part of the community. I monitor the accounts up for deletion and it's common to see somebody who has finished their treatment put their account up for deletion as part of disconnecting from the community. Some may return as mentors like I have but most will not.

[Nina]

I sort of understand. I don't have any gay/lesbian/trans friends that I know of. Nor do I belong to any trans related functions or been associated with pride.
I've never been political or stand up for anything...I like flying under the radar, it's nots that I don't believe in a cause, just not involved. Does it make me a bad person? Probably.
Because of all this, that's why I'm on Susan's...sort of to connect through others, but that's it - online only. Maybe one day I'll change.

[Julia1996]

This is a touchy topic for a lot of people. I totally understand people wanting to live stealth and not wanting to out themselves. I have never and would never participate in a trans pride celebration or any type of LGBT pride celebration. I will admit that I would much prefer people not know I'm trans. But I do have a trans friend. She's 18 and she came to my work a while back to have her hair done. I've been shopping with her and we've gone to the mall. She just transitioned and just started hrt so she isn't very passable yet. Does being in public with her increase my own chances of being outed? Probably. It hasn't happened yet that I know of but it easily could. But I don't care. She has no one to help her. Her mom is supportive but she works all the time and doesn't have much time to do stuff with her. I would never let the possibility of getting outed myself stop me from socializing with a trans person. I can understand why some transpeople wouldn't be ok with that. But personally I could never turn my back on someone who needed my help because of the possibility of being outed.

While I do want to be as stealth as possible I wouldn't isolate myself from the trans community and I would never shun another trans person. I'm not saying someone who does is a bad person or anything. This is just how I feel about it.

[Bari Jo]

I do get this posters point of view.  I don't think any hostility is meant, just stating her feelings.  I do think as she is more accepting of herself, that feeling might change.

I don't think I could ever be stealth, but it is a dream.  People just basically thinking you are cis and not batting an eye.  It must be a great feeling.  I am social though, by the time I'm fully transitioned, or transitioned enough to be comfortable with myself, I'll have outed myself to do many people that I don't think stealth is possible.  I'd have to move, start a new life, friends, hobbies, etc.  That's not going to happen.  I'll just have to deal with it, and have my friends and associates tes be accepting or not.  I do have trans friends, gay friends, not worried about that outing me, and I'm glad they don't mind me wearing pink and being girly when I can.

[Allie24]

I am sorry that the initial post came across as vitriolic as it did. It was written in a very emotional state of mind. I felt like I had to get it off my chest because it had been sitting there festering for months. But I of course would have benefited from a calmer post. Please forgive me.

I don't like this feeling. I don't want this feeling. I don't want to isolate myself from this community. That is why I came here to ask for help. I was hoping that maybe there was someone out there who has gone to this dark place and come out the other end and if they possibly had any advice.

I felt like I needed to be honest in that post, and the honest truth was a mean truth, but if I didn't let it out it would have been hard to receive specific help for it. Sometimes we have feelings that we reject but come to us, anyway. I never act out on these thoughts because I genuinely care about others and know the damage that those thoughts do when vocalized or put in action. It sounds crazy and contradictory but it's just where I am at right now and I am feeling stuck and not sure what to do. I feel alone in my pain and I just wanted to know that maybe someone else has pulled through all of this anger and frustration...

[Devlyn]

Apologies go miles here. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[josie76]

I think a lot of us do hate that we are trans. Life would seem so much simpler if our brains had matched our birth sex. At the same time I have never known any way to think but the way I do, so the only way I can imagine being comfortable would be cis female. I have no way to know what a cis guy thinks so I can't ever want to be one. My brain has only ever been female.

Does certainly make living complicated. I'd love to get to a point where I could pass and be stealth. Just not being looked at as different for once in this lifetime would be amazing. But I have met a number of trans girls relatively speaking locally. We all provide support for one another even daily through a FB group. I have not completely extracted myself from my current employer however due to injury looks likely long term. If they knew I was trans I would have no job if I wanted it there.

So I understand hating to be in between what the majority take for granted. I have had to keep under the radar for work while still trying to figure out what it is like to be my true self, not the practiced character I portrayed. I see the political dangers ahead looming over all of us here in the US, and I feel I must say what I can and do what I can for now. I feel the wish I could be visible with my local sisters but I must stay where I am for now.

I think the goal of being able to live as stealth but still be your own person in your home community is important. I cannot deny that passing at a drive through on the road would be great.

[Allie24]

There is a lot of self judgement going on... I can't lie. I'm sure many of you can understand how visceral these feelings of dysphoria are. I have daily considered some very drastic measures of hurrying the transition process along... surgery-wise. Even though I live stealth I am terrified of being outed, someway, somehow. I hate this reality I live in. I hate that this is my life. That's not to say I regret my choices, but I wish that these choices never had to be made to begin with. Sometimes it feels like living a cosmic joke... I'm in agony but full GRS is too expensive and an orchiectomy can't come soon enough. I am intimate with my partner but that intimacy is not reciprocated because I don't like being touched. My body revolts me. Feeling my lower half daily revolts me. Tucking is a dreadful process and feeling that tuck all day is a pain. I get tighter and tighter boy shorts in order to compress that entire area as much as I can... and while my parents are accepting they do not support me as much as I world like. I have a friend who's trans whose parents have helped her every step of the way, even with surgery! My mom continues to ask me if sexual abuse had made me this way...

All that stuff I put in that initial post is just the tip of the iceberg. This is what I'm really feeling and all that bitterness and anger is how it is manifesting...

No one should have to feel this way. And maybe that's why I can't feel proud about this. It's so painful... most times I just want to forget it's part of my life.

[Sarah77]

The option to live stealth would be wonderful. Not everyone wants to be in activist mode 24/7.

You can be proud to be Trans but want to blend in to your true gender.