I never feel like doing anything, unless, if for instance, my life depended on it.

[Riv3n]

I apologize if I haven't been on this forum a while; I was talking with some people online and I came to this conclusion (sorry if it's very long):

I really want to be doing something in my spare time that will make me a talented person. I have envied people who are good at something, be it martial arts, drawing, being able to speak another language fluently, programming and/or being able to play a musical instrument fluently (beyond grade 3 for something like the electric guitar). I also envy specific people for how they look, and sometimes for how they are, especially because there are certain parts of myself which I don't like in terms of appearance and how I'm quite alike some people I don't like. The problem is, I almost never do anything about these things, which I shall explain later on.

The thing is, while I'm able to get decent grades in school even though quite a lot of times I do almost last-minute revision, and even though I'm considered the most "responsible" in my family compared to especially my younger brother despite some of my bouts of laziness and even though I can't cook or do various DIY stuff, I feel like I only study and do chores because I'm scared of angering someone. I didn't really enjoy school unless I was out on field trips before Year 10, when the tone of the trip was way more educational, and I don't really enjoy doing chores around the house, especially washing up after meals since I feel like the latter consumes free time that I want to spend on hobbies. Now that I'm at university, although I don't have to be as scared of angering someone, I am aware that if I fail, I won't really be able to have a job that will help me to live a good life, what with everything becoming expensive and what with me planning to leave the UK to go work somewhere else sometime soon after I graduate.

Even though I'm taking a course which I rather enjoy, I don't really find it as rewarding because of the work ethic and the professionalism they kind of push towards us - a few of the lecturers I had there insisted we read scientific journals frequently, at least multiple times a week, and my mentor that the university got for me has encouraged me to revise more and more hours for each coming day before a test. I don't really like this because I find journals difficult to understand, I only intended to go to university just to get a higher paid job as well as the fact that my parents insisted on me doing it, and I simply just don't like doing a lot of work, especially considering that what I had to revise for that test then wasn't a lot more or less in content compared to the stuff I revised for in the past.

We had to create LinkedIn profiles in one of the tutorials in my university - I haven't really used mine ever since the Christmas holidays - I just hate the working world, not just because of the boring and ugly dress codes for the guys, but also because I can't be my own person any more - my particular gripe is with intellectual property laws that I as a professional will have to abide to; there are things that get taken down, where sometimes it's because it's legitimate to do so, but other times, it's done even though it can legally stay hosted on a service, but there's no other way to access the content legally.

I would like to be able to define my life based on what I do for free, NOT for a living. The problem is, I can't get the motivation to enrich the parts of my life which aren't going to contribute to my career.

I've been complaining online about how I can't get the motivation to be good at the now only two things I want to be good at (I gave up on everything else but being able to program and being able to speak another language compared to what I have mentioned above). I have also complained about how I can't look like the way I want to, with some people saying that I've been projecting my discontent on this decade's fashion trends.

The only thing I feel like doing in my free time is playing games, but even I can get frustrated with games if I'm not good at them or if I don't like the game for some other reason. I prefer games where I can create my own character, have them own their own stuff and have them be in their own world - there, I can do whatever I like without life telling me what to do. I can also feel like I'm good at something quite easily because the incentives there are far greater than in real life, and I get the results there I want more quickly. Sadly, I feel like that most games aren't created with this in mind, and that being good in a game is about as creative as being good at sports. The fact that few games are my taste is what's giving me incentive to learn programming, but sometimes I can't hold on to that or whatever. Sometimes, the game can get boring quite quickly, but I still play them.

People have been annoyed about how much I complain and how I never do anything about the complaints; I'm not even motivated to change, with one of the reasons being how it would feel strange for me to like myself. There are other things that I might want to do as well that my parents and my community would not want me to do, such as not playing organ for the local church (I play at like grade 2 level, and because of my gripes with religion since secondary school, if not, since moving to the UK, I'm unwilling to continue), so I nevertheless feel powerless to be able to live my life how I want.

Because of how much I complain (someone has said I've been doing this for at least 18 months, although I might have done it for something like a lot longer judging by how I have written very similar complaints on paper journals, and I have complained about the same things elsewhere online before coming on to this forum), people have recommended that I should go see a therapist, a shrink, a mental health professional. I've heard though that being treated by those guys only works if I, as the client, am willing to change, which I've mentioned that I'm not, in the previous paragraph. I don't know if hypnosis will work, but that might be a path I might have to take since I feel like I can't live my life how I want as a result of my current circumstances and probably also from the demands of my university or something - there's no point in using my own willpower to achieve what I want since I have to do various things against my own will, and, admittedly, I want to do everything with the least amount of work possible, preferably none.

I copied this from another forum, but as of yet, I haven't received any responses there.

[Wild Flower]

See a psychiatrist. Sounds like you are depressed and lack energy. Maybe your vitamin d is low too?

[Dena]

I would also recommend a therapist (psychologist) for at least a few visits to define your priorities in life. Possibly if I explain it in more detail, you will see what you need to work on.

I went through a period when I was about your age but my life was a bit different. My options for what to do with my free time were somewhat limited. I could read science fiction but my access to it was very limited. Television was 5 channels and I found little of interest to watch. I might spend a few hours socializing with others but as I had few friends, I was pretty much by myself. Computer games didn't exist yet and board or card games required somebody else so they were rarely played. That left me with a bunch of free time so I put it into learning. If there was a family project like rebuilding a car, cooking, yard project or whatever, I would do it to add to my skills and learn what I liked and disliked. Beyond that, I spent my remaining time learning electronics which was my interest at the time.

That gave me a direction when I started college however access to my first computer made it clear to me that programming was the profession I really wanted in my life. Unfortunately college knows better and instead of concentrating on your best fit, they tend to require a bunch of unrelated courses that most people will never use.
To this day, it's a little amazing to realize that they paid me all those years to do something that I would have done for nothing.

College isn't the best options for everybody. For some, trade school might be a better option. There is nothing wrong with being a skilled plumber, carpenter, electrician or mechanic if you enjoy it. The pay in the trades can match that of somebody with a college degree and often the jobs are easer to find.

Start exploring by making a list of professions that you think you would enjoy doing for the rest of your life. Next, find ways to give them a test drive. It might involved learning more about the profession or you might be able to test drive it. A mentor or working in the field in the evening or over the summer could expose you to the job. I heard of one person who wanted to be a druggist and store allowed them to sit in for a day to see what it was like. They quickly determined that job wasn't right for them.

My advice for you is to forgo the games and use the time to determine what is right for you then put your heart and soul into becoming that. If you pick your profession correctly, the end of school should be the beginning of a life of fun.

[Kylo]

Your life is pretty much what you make of it, and you know this, by the sound of it. Unless you live and breathe your job, when you do get out of uni and start working your life is going to be nothing but that and playing games.

Your prime years spent playing games and worrying about a job just for the wage is going to leave you angry or dissatisfied in a few years' time. If you truly have no motivation at all to do anything else, there's not much that can be done; but at least find out if there's nothing else you might actually find an interest in by trying a few things while you have the perfect opportunity in university. UK universities usually have plenty of clubs and activities available to students. When I was at Bangor University I tried archery, caving, diving, and film clubs. Caving and diving were excellent and I still do them today. Bite the bullet and go along to some. If you don't like it, don't continue, but at least find out.

[Riv3n]

Thank you for the responses. Sorry if I didn't respond early. I've been trying to get into coding (Java at Sololearn), but at this stage, I'm finding it a little bit stressful because there's stuff I feel like I don't understand - I wanted to get into coding because I want to not be put off so much by code in a game engine. There's this game, or at least a piece of software, that I want to create because I've noticed that games generally aren't having the sort of customisation and features I want.

I also feel like I can't really enjoy life - I feel like I'm gonna lose stuff, and I've had several relatives die as well.

I'm visiting a counsellor, but I'm not sure if I could be directed to a mental health therapist through there even though I have given them my GP's details.

I'm still going to college only because I think it's the most economically viable option, and because my parents want me to. I want to go move to another country for personal reasons, which I might go and discuss at some other time in the forum.

I don't really know what I want to do for a living. I don't want to define my life by what I do for a living, especially when the people higher up control any intellectual property that I am given access to.

About my lack of Vitamin D and maybe how it relates to my depression, I don't really go out much since I find it's too expensive to and that no one really talks to me, or that I just prefer the company of people online. If low Vitamin D isn't the source of my depression if I do have it, then I don't know, but I think the guys at yourbrainonporn.com or whatever have a point.

I have something else that I want to go discuss as well in another topic, something about how I'm feeling about religion.