Quote from: amberwaves on November 18, 2017, 11:19:39 AM
Well finally time for an update. I don't particularly think may of you read this thread or care much about my life, but for the few of you who do here's some stuff that's been happening. I will apologize for the sour note of most of this post, but I am sick and also slowly falling back into a depressive spell after the last two days events.
So a few weeks ago I was incredibly upset and posted a few times very vaguely about it. To those of you who reached out to me, even though I did not wish to talk, thank you. The story of that is kind of crappy and in some ways is an excellent example of how I manage to inadvertantly make life much more difficult than it should be.
I became friends with a girl from work a few months ago. She doesn't have many friends that she is close to and neither do I. She is substantially younger than I at 19, but we have some similar interests. We both have a rough past. For whatever reason we both felt very comfortable sharing details of our pasts with each other. It was nice to find someone I could bond with so effortlessly. She has know from day one about my being trans. However she sees and interacts with me comolet as a woman and has been a huge help in getting me to realize how others see me.
I told her very early about having BPD. Also, that this means I am freaking terrible at maintaining healthy boundaries with others. After hearing some of the things that have happened to her and how she processes things I suggested that she might also have BPD. I still feel this is quite likely and recommended she get back into therapy. There is just way too many similarities in these aspects between us. I have had a bunch of extra years dealing with this and am in a much less chaotic time of life so I want to be able to offer advice and guidance to her.
Unfortunately, like most every time I get close to someone, I started to develop strong feelings for her. Not sexual feelings, though they occasionally crop up, mostly romantic feelings. I decided it was in everyone's best interest to address this with her. I am incapable of acting on any of those feelings. I suspected that she may have been developing feelings towards me as well.
This seems to be the point where things went wrong. I brought everything up to her. Turns out I was correct and that she did reciprocate the feelings, to a lesser degree, but they were still there. We discussed how we don't want anything to change about the friendship. I had a rough night because knowing that she also felt something I got caught in a mental loop of just expecting that at some point I would >-bleeped-< everything up somehow and something would happen. Thereby ruining my marriage and my friendship. She got to see some of this consternation. Unfortunately, she has a history of sexual abuse and her brain ran wild with things too. Suddenly, I am lumped in with all of her abusers. The next day things fell completely apart.
I spent the next few days completely heartbroken and blaming myself for screwing things up. I never intended to hurt someone, but I did. I never intended to get too close, but I was unable to prevent it. Deep down I am an incredibly vulnerable person and I opened myself up to being hurt again. We both got burned to some degree. When I did reach out for help and advice I got >-bleeped-< on entirely. Suddenly, I am just this creepy old >-bleeped-< preying on a young girl. Not what happened, nor what was intended. I have about zero control over my emotions. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of that. I tried to be an adult about things for once and put everything out in the open and got burned for it.
I finally reached out to her to attempt to set things right. We worked through a little bit of the misunderstandings and decided we can try to be friends. Here's the rub. When texting each other things seem relatively normal. However, seeing each other in person is awkward as hell. We both have our walls way up now. I have no idea how to move forward and every in person interaction (all brief and at work) has ended with one or both of us upset. I really wish we could sit down and discuss all of the misinterpretation and false assumption that our brains are doing, but I have no idea if or when that would happen. I hate the current situation and blame myself heavily still for screwing everything up (i.e. being me).
In other news my name change will be official on Wednesday. I should be excited, but honestly, I am not. It's pleasant to know it'll happen but I'm just dreading all the legwork to contact and change it with everyone. My ADHD makes me particularly terrible at that kind of thing.
I had my second session of electrolysis last week. No lidocaine this time. It's not bad or even really painful, more uncomfortable than anything else. Even after just 2 sessions of 4 hours the improvement is amazing. We have focused entirely on the lip and chin. While there are still lots of little hairs there, the thickest and darkest are gone. This has been remarkably helpful. I have mostly blonde facial hair. It's not that noticeable usually, though I did have a little bit of shadow in those two areas. That is mostly gone now.
This week I received my first letter toward GCS. It won't be long until I get my second letter. Then I can get my insurance to pay for genital electrolysis. I will have to get the letters updated closer to August when my consult is. I could have just waited until closer to then to do all of this and done the electrolysis later, but I see no real reason other than inconvenience not too do it all now.
Sorry for the incredibly long post.
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Amberwaves. All of what you wrote does not define you. Only you know who you are.
Look. I am non op and don't want to be post op. We are all different. But I will say one thing and that is to not be too hasty. I am happy with being non op and I pass pretty good.
Electrolysis on the face and other areas like are fine but beauty trends change over time. So genital electrolysis? I would stick with shaving and or shaping. In ten years it may very well indeed be normal and fashionable to have a full bush and or hairy legs and underarms. Yes it is a pain in the ass shaving but a good sort of pain in the ass though. Taking a hot bath with a glass of wine and doing what needs to be done is kind of sensual. Most cis women shave. As for the Genitals and ridding yourself of hair "down there" that can be really a sensual thing for your partner to do for you.
Shaving sux and is quite a bit of work but it can also be relaxing and sensual. My BF sometimes loves to shave my legs and underarms in the bath together. As for wherever else, he loves to do that too. But you have to think like this, fashions change so hairless today maybe be hairy tomorrow so don't be to hasty on the genitals. I don't think women will ever have hairy legs or underarms again but... you never know.
As for the girl from work. Sometimes women want to be but can't be lesbian. Sometimes they don't want but are. Personally I like men. Women are different, hell I am different. I have had girlfriends in the past and as "lipstick" it seemed they always expected more than I could give. It seems they were expecting the best of both worlds but all I could provide was one.
I can't blame them because I like the same thing in a partner as they do.
LOL I have had so many that loved the oral but when it came to the copulation, they laughed or were not pleased. So you really can't blame her for that.
Look hon, there is nothing easy about this. You are just starting to realize who and what you are. That my dear is the hardest part. Personally if I met a woman that I wanted to have a relationship with I would hope she is a MTF. Other than that I stick to men. But you have to find your own way.
But don't ever get discouraged. If you are then you are regardless of electrolysis or anything else. It isn't as much about the body but the mind. It is complicated and it is a lot of work. So put the effort in.
Seriously I have a degree in Psychology and I am skeptical of those that just now discover themselves yet I will always tell them to wait at least a year or more before they go all in. I don't make a dime off this advice that I give. I don't have a practice or even practice in a clinical sense but make for sure. I used to go back and forth when I was younger and now that I am older I don't but just in case though. It was really hard trying to be a boy with boobs but...
Seriously and personally I am so envious of Bailey Jay because she is gorgeous a few others too even Bea Armitage that has no boobs but regardless of anything else it is less about your body but more about your mind and all that goes with it. So really make for sure. I have had friends that transitioned and then detransitioned but after so much HRT or even SRS it may be too late.
Most psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist will make you jump through hoops because when they sign off on the letters it all goes back on them. They just want to make for sure. I would too.
It is not jumping through hoops but if you can live a year as a woman then I would sign a letter. It is complicated, sometimes not too comfortable and you will always be a trans woman even after SRS. So you need to make for sure because if not it may come back on them for "jumping the gun" and no professional is going to put their career on the line at least until you make them feel comfortable with your own decision. There hardest thing to do is be a trans woman or trans man. HRT won't cure it and SRS won't cure it because there will always be a transition period in which you will face being a man in women's clothing or a woman in men's clothing. So no, they are not "gatekeepers" they just want to make for sure that is what you can live with.
I know what I just said will probably get a lot of negative feedback but everyone just think about it though. I know who I am. I have faced it and even choose to be non op.
I am truly sorry if my post offended anyone.