Quote from: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 AM
It's been a very trying few days. I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail. I had therapy yesterday and got to spend a lot of time talking through some of this. Honestly, I've lost faith in myself. I really lost it yesterday ago. I just can't visualize what a successful me looks like. I mean this quite literally. I try to, but it's just not there. Everyone else can see it. Rationally I can see all the reasons I should be. I just keep sabotaging myself so I won't be. It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure. I'm well aware of how unhealthy that is. I'm not looking for others to chime in with positivity. mostly I'm just sharing. I don't know what it was in my past that broke me. I wish I could just point to some memory and go aha! Instead I just get to feel am empty pit. I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident. I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it. I don't believe I am. I lost the ability to shut everything off and just march forward. I feel now and I don't really know how to be strong. I'm 37 now and I feel like a scared 7 year old. I managed to not cry during therapy. I went home and had a pity party/crying spree. This in and of itself is surprising. I almost never cry over myself. I just can't seem to get past how monumentally broken I am. When I'm like this it taints every interaction with others. I can't help but feel apathy or dejected by everything anyone says or does. I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.
Hi Amber,
I don't know if it matters, but I can relate to much, if not most, of what you are saying.
Quote from: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 AM
I just can't force myself to apply to jobs and I pretty much assume I'm going to fail.
I hear you. I'm not job-hunting, but I have been passed over twice for promotion in the last three years. There is one high-grade slot left in my branch. I find myself already planning on what to do when I am passed over again. Not a great attitude.
Quote from: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 AM
I'm really good at making others believe that I'm capable and confident.
It's like deep down I feel like I deserve to be a failure.
I
am capable and quite competent at my job, and I have the publications and credentials to prove it, but I always expect failure, and, yes, I feel like I deserve to fail. It's irrational and it is incredibly self-defeating. And I know this. And I still indulge in it. And it's not just about employment. It spills over into my personal life as well.
I have gotten
so far with my transition. Way beyond anything I thought possible. I am a passable post-op transsexual at age 61. Do I congratulate myself? Do I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am? Do I feel grateful? No, no, and no.
I dwell in my lack of satisfaction with SRS, and how I can't function like a normal female, how I'll never have a boyfriend, how I didn't transition when I was younger, etc., etc. I am incredibly skilled in finding the dark cloud in any silver lining.
Quote from: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 AM
I was asked how I'm stronger now than I was as my old self, but I honestly can't answer it. I don't believe I am.
I pulled out this sentence because it's one thing I can point to, with empirical evidence, and say "Yes, I am much stronger than I ever believed I was,
because I managed to transition, which is the scariest thing I have ever done in my life!"
So why don't I feel like it? Why can't I acknowledge that I am a capable and brave person who deserve some kudos, if only from myself, on what I have accomplished? I don't know, but I ought to try it sometime.
Quote from: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 AM
I don't really know how to be strong.
Ah, but you do. I've met you in person at Dr. McGinn's office. There was nothing small or weak about you. But I totally get what you are saying and what you're feeling. I don't give myself credit, either, but look how far we have come! Just look in the damn mirror, girlfriend!
Quote from: amberwaves on August 17, 2018, 09:39:49 AM
I don't know how long this particular mood will last, but needless to say I'm not enjoying it.
No, I'm sure you're not. But you have scaled a mountain, the biggest obstacle you have probably ever faced in your life, and you are tired. Give yourself permission to wallow for a bit. Then gather yourself up, and continue to find your destiny.
With kindness,
Terri