Who Am I , Please Tell Me , If You Can = TY

[Tappy]

Hi Guy`s ,

Please answer is you can , who I am .

I was born a male , but I have always related to female. In my youth having female friends and not wanting a "Tonka Truck" , but rather have an erector set where I could build and reconstruct what was  misaligned in the womb.

How can one go on without an answer ? The answer of course is we must , because we never know what I new day will bring. We must hope for happiness , right ?

So I ask you all , who am I ? First you need some more info :

I was born a male , I  identify as female since about the age of 5 , I had wished  for anything other than the genitalia I was born with. My dad had me join the Boy Scouts , I hated it , I thought they were all freaks. In High School I was a on the Basket Ball team I hated it as well.

I could not wait until the new Sears or Montgomery Ward catalogs came out , just so I could see the beautiful girls , not to masterbate to but to envy , I wanted to be them so bad. I hated myself.

I once sat on the edge of my bed with my Boy Scout knife in hand , thinking maybe if I just cut it off , maybe I could stop the bleeding and then pain, I did not cut , I remain my untrue self.

I love women to the point of total respect , celibacy , never wanting sex , just wanting in.

I would rather go to a Tea Party than a Hunting Party , leave poor Bambi to someone else.

I could not or could ever see my self as a homosexual , I love women , but only to emulate them , to be them.

So I ask those who know more than I , who am I ? What am I ? Do I even belong ?

I long for an answer , I have asked this question over many a decade and still no answer,

So please , if you now that answer , please tell me .

Tomorrow will shine regardless , but it will shine the clearer with an answer.

Thank you all and God Bless ( without offense ) ,

Tappy

[Bari Jo]

Hi Tappy, it's great you have the courage to ask others this.  I will say you definitely have some trans related traits there.  I encourage you, and everybody that asks a question like this to see a gender therapist.  Don't try to self diagnose, or rely on others.  I only say that because it would have saved me a LOT of doubt, shame, time before I had full acceptance of myself if I went the therapist route.  I like that you made a list of issues you question about yourself.  I'd continue it, think about times in your youth that made a big impact, or made you incredibly happy or sad.  A good thread here I've noticed is 20/20 hindsight.  Many are posting things about themselves and trans traits that spur others memories.  It's both therapeutic, and frightening for me at least, as some of my own memories are scary on the topic

Another outlet, would be a trans support group.  Go and listen.  If you are comfortable talking about yourself, go for it.  Going to group, listening to others and seeing them listen to me and empathize and support my feelings in person is powerful.

Anyway, that's my two cents.  I'm not going to go into more guidance only because I feel based on my history I'd be a terrible guide.  I'm just pointing you into areas that helped me and I wish I pursued them much earlier.  I wish you the best.

Bari Jo

[Dena]

I think you are transgender but it would take more information than is included in the post to diagnose exactly where you fit in. The place to start is with my standard two links. The first is our WIKI where you will learn about the variety that is transgender. The second link is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will help you discover if you are transsexual.

Just remember, likes and dislikes don't make you a man or a woman. Some women love the outdoors, hunt and engage in other masculine tasks. Sexual preference also doesn't determine your gender identity. If it did, we wouldn't have LGB and everybody would be CIS or transitioning. The only question you need to ask is if you had one wish to become whatever you want, what would that be. Answer that question and you will know who you are.

[Ashley3]

I agree with the others.

It's hard to tie much of what you note with definitive transness... but some things could be hints... seems like you are... but only you can tell, perhaps with the help of a good gender therapist.

... I was born a male , but I have always related to female. In my youth having female friends and not wanting a "Tonka Truck" , but rather have an erector set where I could build and reconstruct what was  misaligned in the womb. ...

I don't see anything definitive in that which indicates you're trans. Possibly "...have always related to female ..." could hint at something but it's hard to say... I mean, a person who later identifies as a metrosexual may say the same thing. When I connect with your dysphoria, seems to lean in an MTF direction.

...How can one go on without an answer ? The answer of course is we must , because we never know what I new day will bring. We must hope for happiness , right ? ...

You can be happy that there's a mystery to solve and enjoy that you have a life so robust to offer you such a mystery, and be happy with the journey in exploring answers. You don't have to be tragically unhappy to be a closeted trans person. 

... So I ask you all , who am I ? First you need some more info : ...

You seem to be seeking an enabler... it seems like you want to be trans because you are trans but you don't know that yet and you want permission because you have not understood how to validate it for yourself. That's a wild guess on my part. I could be wrong... try allowing yourself to live feminine to some degree... dress and go out, try makeup, or whatever is "F" to you... how do you feel after? Want to take more steps? I firmly believe identity arises from doing. Thinking about it was futile for me. Doing with some thoughtfulness brought me forward.

... I was born a male , I  identify as female since about the age of 5 , I had wished  for anything other than the genitalia I was born with. ...

Okay, so that seems definitely trans-feminine to me... but only you can find the answer. Technically speaking, someone can have those same thoughts but identify as male. Rare but it can happen. Genitalia is not equal to Gender Identity. Generally, someone who wants to change from an outty to an innie is trans-feminine at the very least... by traditional definitions she would be transsexual.

... My dad had me join the Boy Scouts , I hated it , I thought they were all freaks. In High School I was a on the Basket Ball team I hated it as well. ...

May or may not have a bearing on your gender identity. Only you'll know.

... I could not wait until the new Sears or Montgomery Ward catalogs came out , just so I could see the beautiful girls , not to masterbate to but to envy , I wanted to be them so bad. I hated myself. ...

Ha... a genetic male masturbating to pictures of women has no bearing on gender identity. More a potential indicator of your trans-femininity is the envy. Not definitive but when looked at with other things you're emitting.

... I once sat on the edge of my bed with my Boy Scout knife in hand , thinking maybe if I just cut it off , maybe I could stop the bleeding and then pain, I did not cut , I remain my untrue self.

It's good you didn't do anything... I don't believe the Boy Scout's have any equipment to automatically perform the magic of a skilled SRS surgeon.    Seriously... what you say there could be dysphoria... seems that way to me...but that's good info for a qualified gender therapist. Certainly you do not have to experience that to be trans-feminine... it's not a qualfication, and there could be other reasons for exhibiting that behavior. See a gender therapist.

... I love women to the point of total respect , celibacy , never wanting sex , just wanting in. ...

Again, wanting to be sexually with a woman or not does not make you definitively trans or not. It could mean you are a woman who is attracted to men... but until you can have your own answers about your identity without the need for enablers, you may not fully see the nature of your attraction. That recollection of yours could be trapped in the past... not fully matured. When people go through transition, there's a maturing process that takes place... or so I feel. Anyway, your focus of attraction isn't a definitive trans indicator. I guess it can be depending on the context... but as a standalone fact, it isn't.

... I would rather go to a Tea Party than a Hunting Party , leave poor Bambi to someone else. ...

Not definitive... A straight binary person can be this way too. It depends on how it's manifested and tied to everything else.

... I could not or could ever see my self as a homosexual , I love women , but only to emulate them , to be them. ...

This could mean you are a trans-feminine being who is "straight" meaning attracted to men... but that's too simplistic and may not apply.

I mean you are not certain of your identity at this time... you're seeking answers... and given that, I'd hold everything in a questionable state: You don't know yourself yet so you may be misleading yourself in other areas. You may not be able to fully see your true focus of attraction... maybe you do, maybe not. Only you can say by getting to a place beyond enablers to see your own answers about who you are.

If I were to have given you my short answer to your post, I'd say you seem trans... get a good gender therapist so you can have a comfortable enabling environment to explore your gender and possibly other areas of your life that might inform gender.

You might also try taking some reversible transition steps to see how you feel. Have you tried dressing up at home? How about makeup? Clothes? Or whatever you think is F? How did you feel? Do you want to do more? How about hair removal? etc. I find that transition and identity are best understood by doing. By doing, you'll see what fits you, what doesn't, what works, what doesn't, and you'll discover your true boundaries or defining edges, where you are on the so-called gender spectrum... but really discovering who you truly are when you live your own life and not one unreasonably defined by others.

[Dani]

Tappy,

This question is something we all have dealt with. We can offer our experiences and opinions, but ultimately, this is a question only you can answer. While many of us do finally transition, there have been a few who started to transition and then for personal reasons, decided to stop the transition process. There are some downsides to transition, such as medical costs and acceptance by others, especially in employment and family issues. For many of us who do transition, this was not a casual decision. We agonized for years over whether or not to transition.

I wish you the best in making your decision, but this is a decision only you can make.

[Tappy]

Hi Guy`s ,

WOW !!

I am blown away by all the great info and support. I came out to my therapist on 9/27 , I don`t think I will ever forget how nervous I was , or that it took 7 session to get it past my lips.

My T is NOT a "gender therapist" , more like a counselor , how ever very smart. I have fears my current T will not stay the course , just a gut feeling.

I had been at battle with these thoughts for so long , sure I want to go ahead and get more info , I honestly believe I was born in the wrong body.

I don`t have an outward appearance that would suggest a female trait , I guess I am a good actor.

By myself , don`t feel me , I feel like it is all pretend.

Sure I get up shower / dress as male / go shopping for food , by beer and spirits , like any other guy.
But to me all those actions are an actor playing a part , a male part , just putting on a show.

I had a fairly tuff time a couple off sessions ago before I told my T my trans feelings , because it was all leading up to the time when T would know. I spent a week of thoughts , and my finality came when I said to myself " good or bad , it can`t be any worst than what you have and are going through, just say it" so I did.

I don`t know where this journey will end , I only can speak with all honesty and say my body is male and my mind is female.

Thanks again for all you guidance , please don`t go anywhere ( fear of abandonment and lack of self-confidence , I know. ).

Take care ,

Tappy

[Nora Kayte]

If you are trying to get someone to tell you you are transgender then a lot of us believe you could be transgender. But only you can make that decision on who you are. Not even a therapist can tell you if you are. A good therapist helps you figure out who you are.

But I can tell you a few things you are. You are my friend. You are beautiful. You are human. You are brave for coming here. You are smart. You are someone everybody on this site cares about. And I could go on with the list.

We are here to help. But that question is one that only you can answer. We will support you and help you get there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[CarlyMcx]

I swear to God your story could be my own -- the toys, the Boy Scouts, everything.  I've been on hormones for 16 months now and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  I am not going to tell you that you are transgender but I will tell you to find and see a gender therapist as soon as you can.

[Tappy]

Hi Guy`s ,

Thank you for your continued support , I do apologize , perhaps I was unclear in my feelings.

I do feel I am transgender , have gone through my life this long and starting my research on this subject when most of the research to be found was in Flint Publications and not libraries as it is today.

I have lived a lie , but not anymore , as mentioned , I told my T my true feelings on 9/27. Those /these feeling that I have do need to be explored and examined , yes , however what I feel and have felt for many years can not change , I am me , just me.

I was watching Dara`s You Tube channel while having supper and found she did a 2 part series on older transitioning folks . like myself ,  links > first pt1 second pt2







I found them very informative , and she mentions it a good thing to even find online groups ( thanks again to Susan`s Place ).

In therapy many things have been talked about and I had mentioned before last Wed. some traumatic events my late mom went through and I felt guilty for say what I did. Then upon reflection , I stared to think , ok well what about you , you sought therapy to live a happier life , so tell your T what you really need to say , so I did.

I am faced with many options , most are in this very thread , thanks !

Some are still out there waiting for me to find , but they must be found if I am to be truly happy.

I am not rich , but I do have means for short term action , not gender related.

I would like to start my own You Tube channel about Home Theater / Home Electronics O&A & Basic Beginner Music - O&A plus consulting and also a "Lets Talk" Q&A from what people comments are.

I need to get accounts setup . YT / Twitter / a proper FB page / Instagram / Patreon , YouNow , basically all have have monetary results go to my Pay Pal account.

If that can be done well enough to go larger , that is my goal in part , and enough to go forward with life.

So I am more than fine with what I told my T , I just hope my T will stay the course.

Thank you all you folks have been amazing 

Take care , and again thanks,

Tappy

[Tappy]

Hi Guy`s

I am sorry for my ignorance    , when I asked "who am I " . I meant in todays terminology of the  word transgender.

Back in the time when you could be committed to a mental institution you were either " normal " or crazy = transgender.

Today in a world of normalcy the term transgender can take many forms . I googled this:

https://www.google.com/search?source=hp&q=list+of+transgender+terms&oq=list+of+transgender+terms&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0i22i30k1.2117.14337.0.14702.27.25.0.0.0.0.179.2935.0j23.23.0.dummy_maps_web_fallback...0...1.1.64.psy-ab..4.23.2932.0..0j35i39k1j0i131k1j0i20i264k1j0i131i46k1j46i131k1.0.wHmd0NfNrL4


It provided many link to places to get the answers I still do not understand , I shall tell you more.

As I have already mentioned , I love women enough for total respect ( celibacy ) and want to be in there group. ( have female friends ).

I do not associate myself with feelings toward my born sex of being male.

I do associate my feelings of wanting to be with women as a transgender male . ( period ! )

I truly apologize for any misunderstanding along the way , but on a side not , I have enjoyed all of your kind replies.

Please , if you have any questions or something to add , please post , I will reply.

I thank you all and appreciate you all , for I know that sacrifices some have made to be happy.

Take care ,

Tappy

[Dena]

Actually in the days when you could be committed, the word was transsexual. Transgender came along a bit latter and while we knew of the word in my group, all of us considered ourselves transsexual. A transsexual is one who wants to do everything they can to feminize themselves. Today this gets a bit more messy because some of the non binary desire and receive surgery and possibly some transsexuals don't desire surgery. In my case I was transsexual and I know I was never a part of the non binary. The Community Definitions is helpful if you want a quick label to apply to yourself. If you don't see yourself in the list, let us know why and we will look for another label.

[Tappy]

HI Dena ,

Yes of course , you are right . the term transgender was not even thought of back them.

In any event I probably would have ended up like "The Danish Girl" such a lovely and sad movie.

I am please you know what I meant to say , and again my apologizes for any confusion I may have cause.

I mean so many conintations , one can hardly keep up !! LOL

Take care

Tappy

[Tappy]

Hi Dena ,


After looking at the list , for now , I guess the "umbrella term - Transexual" will do nicely.

I am sure in time a more definitive term may be used , however I personally have always through Transsexual.

You now it is truly amazing how much comfort you can derive from the truth , I think of last week at this time , being scared of what T would think , and now think about my new future instead. O... amazing the Human mind.

Take care , TY < hugs >

Tappy