My wife came to me and started crying

[elkie-t]

I would be somewhat careful about making sweeping statements. Staying in a largely platonic marriage happens fairly often in life. Age is a big factor too. I actually know a straight male that stayed with his trans man spouse. Also women sometimes are the more economically powerful partner,  i know several couples like that.

Hi Robin, you, like anyone else in this forum, are excluded from my statement... I said 'straight males' and you (and me) are not them. So, I don't doubt that you'd stay with your partner, but my statement nonetheless stands

As far as 'women being more powerful economically'... But being more powerful doesn't equal to 'the husband being a homemaker and raising the children'. I don't question possibility of such guy existence or that he actually might choose to stay in the marriage because insufferable loss of quality of life... But as I said, I'm yet to see such a guy (or even hear from one online), and we both know plenty of women in such bad situation.

[Paige]

I have thought about that too with a lot of posts I've read. I have sympathy for the wives too. I don't think it's right to try and hold someone back from transitioning but I can see what causes distress to some of these wives. For those of you with wives that are struggling with your transition consider this. Your wife that you loved and married however long ago tells you she's Trans and that she's going to transition. You're shocked and maybe even a little mad. But you love her and you decide you can handle it. So one day she comes home and she has a buzz cut. This upsets you but you think it's only hair and you push it aside. Then you start noticing the changes from testosterone.  Her voice starts getting deeper. She gets facial and chest hair. Her body starts to become hard and a bit muscular. Then she has top surgery and the boobs you always loved are gone. Now she has a flat, hairy chest. Her soft face is now covered with thick black facial hair. Her arms and legs are covered with thick black hair. She smells like a guy now. Finally she wants SRS. Then you're faced with a penis. Your wife is now a man and he's your husband. You still love her and even if you can accept all those changes and manage to keep a sexual relationship with her, your still going to grieve for the wife you've always known. It's the same for a wife with a MtF spouse.

Hi Julia,

I don't know about others but I've consider this often.  My wife has asked me this question.  I'm not sure I would mind at all but I know she would never want to do that.  She often wonders about whether my orientation would change somewhat, as do I.  I've never been attracted to men but that may change as I transition.

The thing is it's not that I'm forcing her to stay in a relationship where I transition.  It's that she doesn't want to let the old me go.  She doesn't want to leave me and she doesn't want me to change.  All my life I've not transitioned because I always cared more about other people's feelings than mine.  Therefore I'm stuck,  I can't split because that would hurt her and I can't transition because that would hurt her.

My children are adults now.  My wife can stand on her own financially so this isn't why she wishes to continue the relationship.  She doesn't want any change.  She wants it to be like it was in the past.  After 50+ years of catering to the rest of the world, I'm finally reaching my breaking point and that doesn't seem to matter.   

There's no good guys or bad guys in this situation.  There's just people stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers.

Take care,
Paige

[Complete]

"There's no good guys or bad guys in this situation.  There's just people stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers."

Yes. That is unfortunately true. Speaking as a woman who has been in more than a few serious ltr's with men, and married more than once, again to a man, l feel like l can understand the POV of a woman whose man (?) wants to become a woman, (or just as bad), wants to castrate himself.
In my mind, in my heart, that would be tantamount to losing the man l loved and married. That, l believe is why your wife was crying. Sure, you can convince yourself and maybe even your wife, that you will still be the same person "inside". I don't believe that. Based on my own experience and the words of others, everything changes.

[RobynD]

Hi Robin, you, like anyone else in this forum, are excluded from my statement... I said 'straight males' and you (and me) are not them. So, I don't doubt that you'd stay with your partner, but my statement nonetheless stands

As far as 'women being more powerful economically'... But being more powerful doesn't equal to 'the husband being a homemaker and raising the children'. I don't question possibility of such guy existence or that he actually might choose to stay in the marriage because insufferable loss of quality of life... But as I said, I'm yet to see such a guy (or even hear from one online), and we both know plenty of women in such bad situation.

I hear you I was actually referring to a cis male and trans male couple i know, straight and bi respectively, but your point is not invalid. I know a couple stay at home dads as well. True though that people stay in "non-standard" (please excuse the term) for a variety of reasons.

Without a doubt this stuff tests marriages and relationships though. As changes go, it is certainly a big one.

[Nora Kayte]

Hi Julia,

I don't know about others but I've consider this often.  My wife has asked me this question.  I'm not sure I would mind at all but I know she would never want to do that.  She often wonders about whether my orientation would change somewhat, as do I.  I've never been attracted to men but that may change as I transition.

The thing is it's not that I'm forcing her to stay in a relationship where I transition.  It's that she doesn't want to let the old me go.  She doesn't want to leave me and she doesn't want me to change.  All my life I've not transitioned because I always cared more about other people's feelings than mine.  Therefore I'm stuck,  I can't split because that would hurt her and I can't transition because that would hurt her.

My children are adults now.  My wife can stand on her own financially so this isn't why she wishes to continue the relationship.  She doesn't want any change.  She wants it to be like it was in the past.  After 50+ years of catering to the rest of the world, I'm finally reaching my breaking point and that doesn't seem to matter.   

There's no good guys or bad guys in this situation.  There's just people stuck in an incredibly difficult situation with no easy answers.

Take care,
Paige

A lot is just like mine. She does not want to kick me out. But would rather I did not transition. But I am transitioning and in the end will lose her if I believe she will kick me out if I get GRS.

If you are anything like me you need to move forward. It won't go away. My wife has constantly told me she is at her last thing she can handle. The we talk. The last thing that happened was before our last talk was me asking to get an orchiectomy. She blew a gasket. Big time. Told me in so many words that if I did it would be over. She is not gay and has no want to be with a woman. It was so bad I just waited till she was done and let it go. The one day she comes to me crying. You can read my last post I started for more detail. Wanting to know how to plan the future. She wants me in it but feels she is losing her man. As I am becoming a woman. I go slow for her. No we have great communication. And we talked about the orchiectomy she asked about the benifits. I explained them. And when we get back from our vacay I will see if I can schedule it.

(This post is of my opinion and experiences, your mileage may vary as everyone is different )


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